Elijah (The Cooper Brothers #1) - Nikki Ashton

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Copyright © Nikki Ashton 2019 All Rights Reserved © Elijah Published by Bubble Books Ltd The right of Nikki Ashton to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form or binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. A reviewer may quote brief passages for review purposes only This book may not be resold or given away to other people for resale. Please purchase this book from a recognised retailer. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. Elijah First published February 2019 All Rights Reserved © Cover design – Graphics by Tammy Formatting by— Formatting by Tammy Edited by – Brooke Bowen Hebert This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and events are products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, places or persons living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

This book is for those of you who got their second chance.

Elijah “When my heart met yours, it knew”

CONTENTS

Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29

Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34 Chapter 35 Chapter 36 Chapter 37 Chapter 38 Chapter 39 Chapter 40 Chapter 41 Chapter 42 Chapter 43 Chapter 44 Chapter 45 Epilogue Acknowledgments Playlist

A MY aged 17 As Mr Jacobs turned back to the board, I risked a look to my right. Sure enough, Elijah Cooper was looking right back at me. His lips turned into a huge smile and his eyes crinkled with amusement. I quickly looked back down at my history text book, continuing to read all about Churchill. At least I tried to read it, but my mind was on Elijah, the boy who sat two desks down from me in my History class. In fact, my mind had been on Elijah since the start of our first day of sixth form, when he’d joined from another school. With dark hair, big brown eyes and golden tanned skin, he was gorgeous, and my stomach had not stopped loop the looping from the moment I set eyes upon him. I wasn’t the only one. Apparently, he’d already been on a ‘date’ with Lauren Proctor – and we all knew what sort of date that would be. I liked Lauren, she was kind of a friend, as we had the same art class, but keeping her legs together was not her forte. I sighed and continued to discover how Mr Churchill implemented a prison reform guide, during his time as Home Secretary. I was so engrossed in reading and listening to the faint hum of Mr Jacob’s monotone lecture in the background, I failed to realise that Vicky Smith who sat next to me had swapped places with Elijah. “Hey,” he whispered, leaning into me. “You fancy going out for a pizza tonight?” My head swivelled so fast I felt a crack in my neck. “W-what?” Was my startled reply. “Fancy going out for a pizza tonight?” “Me?” I asked, struggling to catch my breath.

Elijah flashed his teeth in a smile. “Well there’s no one else in this conversation, so yeah, you.” “But I thought you were going out with Lauren.” He shook his head and furrowed his brow while he stared at me, and I felt sure he could see the pulse in my neck, my blood was flowing so fast and hard. “No,” he replied. “We went bowling with a few others from her drama group, but that’s it. Why, who told you that?” Well, Lauren had told the whole school to be honest, but I wasn’t going to say that. “Just something I heard.” “Well, I’m not…” Elijah paused and looked to the front of the class where Mr. Jacobs had stopped talking and was back to writing on the board. “So, do you?” I studied his face, looking for some sort of sign that he was taking the piss out of me, but he looked genuine. I quickly looked around the room, checking that his friends Lucas and Alex weren’t egging him on; but they had their heads down, scribbling away in their notebooks. “Okay,” I said. Feeling queasy and with more than a little trepidation, I held my breath, waiting for the peel of laughter that said he was joking. “Sick,” he said, breathing out what sounded like a sigh of relief. “Give me your phone.” Without questioning him, I handed over my mobile and watched as he keyed in a number and then started to text someone. “Who you texting?” I hissed, looking up at Mr Jacobs. “Me. That way you know it’s my real number.” Elijah grinned and turned his phone to me as it vibrated softly on his desk. I looked at the text and slapped a hand to my mouth to stop the giggle coming out and bringing us to Mr Jacob’s attention. Amy: Are you as hot as you look? Elijah gave a little smirk and picking his phone up, began texting. I retrieved mine from his desk and waited in anticipation. A couple of seconds later, a text reply popped up on my screen. Elijah: You can tell me later when I’ve kissed you I gasped, and my gaze shot to his.

“Do we have a problem, Amy?” Mr Jacobs called from the front of the class. Without taking my eyes from Elijah, who was now looking at the board, I shook my head. “No, sir.” “Good, so let’s put the phone away, shall we? You too, Elijah and in future please conduct your romance outside of my class.” I was about to protest that there was no romance, but before I had the chance, Elijah sat back in his chair, put his arm around the back of mine and said, “Sorry sir, but she’s just too gorgeous to ignore.” As the rest of the class responded with a mixture of laughs, sighs, and groans, I swallowed and put a hand to my swirling stomach, all the while feeling Elijah’s thumb rubbing my shoulder.

* * * Elijah aged 17 Fucking hell, Amy Brown said yes to going for a pizza with me. Get in! I’d fancied her from the minute I spotted her chatting outside History with her friend Rachel – I’d fantasised about her since then too. That first time I saw her, she was leaning against the wall and playing with her hair as she laughed at something Rachel had said and as she did, my dick twitched behind the confines of my grey school trousers. It was hardly surprising though, she was wet dream level of beautiful. Pretty, sparkling eyes like the colour of the brandy my dad had stashed in the cupboard and hair the colour of cinnamon, were the icing on the cake of her hot little bod. Even from a distance I could see the curve of perfectly round tits and the jut of a full, delicious arse. I’d seen her eyeing me up a few times during classes, so today I’d grown a pair and asked her out. I wasn’t nervous, just didn’t fancy the idea of being turned down in front of twenty other people. Today was the right time and Amy Brown agreed to go on a date with me. As she packed up her bag at the end of the lesson, she threw me a shy smile and I felt a stirring in my pants – again. I’d already whacked off to images of her in my head when I’d had a shower, and if it wasn’t so disgustingly awkward, I’d have nipped off to the boys’ lavs to go another round with my hand. “I’ll pick you up at seven,” I said, cupping her elbow. “Text me your address.”

“I can meet you, save you walking all the way to my house.” Her cheeks pinked a little and she looked down to zip up her bag. “I can borrow my brother’s car.” “You’ve passed your test already?” she asked, her tawny-coloured eyes going wide. I nodded. “Yeah, a couple of months after my seventeenth. To be fair, my brother had been taking me around the DIY store’s car park for a while, so I found it pretty easy.” I mentally rolled my eyes at myself – how to sound like an arrogant fucker to the girl you’re desperate to get some full-on tongue action with. She smiled and everything inside me went warm while my boxers went a little bit tighter. Fuck it, I was going to have to go home for lunch and spank one out. If I had to last all afternoon with a boner, I’d likely pass out from lack of blood to every other part of my body. The fucking joys of being a hormonal seventeen-year-old who’d had one, very poor, sexual experience. “Okay,” she replied. “But maybe meet me at the end of the street.” “Your mum and dad don’t like you seeing boys?” I asked. “It’s not that. They’re really nosy and are likely to come out to the car and ask you loads of questions, it’s just easier if I meet you.” Amy shrugged as if to say ‘parents, hey’ and then hitched her bag up onto her shoulder. “Okay, great. See you later.” “Bye,” she whispered with a little grin, as she moved past me and out of the classroom. As I watched her go, I heard Lucas shouting to me from the doorway. “Eli, come on, or there’ll be no decent food left.” I scratched at the back of my neck with one hand as I picked up my backpack with the other. “You go,” I called back. “I forgot my biology text book, I need to nip home.” “Okay, you want me to come with you?” he asked, taking a step into the classroom. “Nah, I’ll see you in Business later.” Lucas nodded and waved a hand as he disappeared, leaving me to ponder whether I could get two wanks in before I needed to get back to school.

A MY aged 28 “Please tell me that truck does not belong to who I think it does?” I hissed at Claudia, my assistant. “It doesn’t belong to who you think it does,” she deadpanned. “It fucking is his, isn’t it?” I stopped walking up the long, cobbled drive and threw my portfolio and handbag onto the ground, stamped my foot and thrust my hands – fisted ones, I should add – to my hips. “You told me to tell you it wasn’t.” Claudia sighed and bent down to retrieve my discarded portfolio. “So, I did.” “It was a rhetorical question, not a statement.” “Sorry. Yes, it’s Elijah Cooper’s truck.” “Fucker!” “What happened to the quiet little Amy that I once knew?” Claudia asked. “I had laryngitis and couldn’t speak, it hardly made me a different person.” I took the portfolio from Claudia and picked up my bag. “You tricked me by conducting my interview using mime and a wipe board and I only took the job because I thought it’d be nice and quiet.” I threw her a glare and continued up the driveway, feeling my intestines knotting themselves together at the prospect of seeing Elijah again. It had been over five years, but it didn’t make it any less painful. “We may as well get it over and done with,” I muttered, pulling my bag higher on my shoulder and then smoothing down my tight, black pencil skirt. “He may just be visiting or dropping a quote off. It doesn’t mean he’s got the job,” Claudia offered. “No,” I sighed. “He’s got the job. I’ll bet my Fendi handbag on it.”

“It’s bloody hideous anyway,” Claudia said. “So, it’d be no loss.” “I know but I bought it with his money, so it was well worth it.” With a wink at Claudia, I took the last few steps and stopped in front of the huge, wooden, double front door. I was here to do a job and I’d damn well do it, whether Elijah was here or not. I was an interior designer, a job that I adored, and was bloody good at, with a steadily growing list of clients. I’d originally worked for a very exclusive department store, in London, the green one that rhymed with…well it didn’t rhyme with anything, but you know which one. Let’s just say I’d helped design interiors for Kings, Queens, rich oil Sheiks, and Premier League footballers. Three years living in London however, was, I’d say, one too many. I was absolutely knackered by it all and towards the end was sleeping for almost thirty-six hours of a forty-eight-hour weekend. Hence, I’d come back home to the North West and set up my own business. I hadn’t moved back to my hometown, choosing to rent an apartment on the outskirts of Manchester, but when my Dad had another heart scare, which luckily turned out to be a false alarm, I realised I needed to be near my family. About two months ago, I bought a small town house a ten minute drive from my parents. Luckily, when I first started my business, an old friend, Holly, wanted some help designing a new interior for the hotel she owned with her husband, Liam, and their business partner, so I had my first client. It all snowballed quickly. Liam was friends with a couple of members of the band Dirty Riches and one of them was building a house to sell on, and as he and his wife were too busy, he employed me to do the interior design. After that, the work rolled in and after only a year, I employed Claudia to help me. Eight months on from that and I’d landed the job of designing the interior of a house built for the Premiership Footballer, Faustino ‘Tino’ Grimaldi and his wife Sophie. Apparently, as Sophie was seven months pregnant and still working as a solicitor, she’d insisted Tino employ someone to decorate all the interior of the large, Italian Renaissance style house that he’d had built for them, their two, soon to be three children, and two llamas. There was seemingly a story attached to the llamas, but I was still to find out what it was. The designer they’d originally employed had let them down only three days before, so I’d been brought in to save the day, and this was only my second time at seeing the house. Lucky for them I’d had a cancellation - a banker in Didsbury whose wife had decided decorating the house wouldn’t save their marriage. As the house had been built between farmland and woods, the garden was… well there wasn’t one, the only part of the grounds that had been completed was the driveway up to the house, which was, I assumed, why Elijah’s truck was

parked there. He was a landscape gardener and once upon a time, we’d dreamed of going into business together – him transforming the outside, while I beautified the inside. It never happened and now it looked as though I was going to have to work with him after all. I supposed I should have counted myself lucky I hadn’t bumped into him before in the last few months. I guess it was because I’d barely socialised since I’d come back home and any spare time I had was spent working. Now though, I had to deal with finally seeing him. “If I go to grab something heavy, take it off me,” I told Claudia, over my shoulder. “I don’t want to be arrested for assault.” “Yep, no problem.” Claudia only knew what I’d told her about Elijah, but safe to say there wasn’t much good in there, so I was pretty sure she’d let me have a ten second head start before she stopped me from maiming him in any way. Letting out a long breath, I lifted my hand and knocked on the door, using the ornate knocker shaped like a llama’s head. After a few seconds it flung open and I was faced with Tino, looking a little like a country squire. He was wearing tweed trousers, a checked shirt, and a tweed jacket – none of which matched. “Amy, bella. You are ‘ere. Come in, please enter my ‘ome.” Tino ushered Claudia and I into the huge hall with its bare plaster walls and concrete floor. Cables were hanging down from the ceiling and light switch points and the wood of the impressive wood and glass staircase was untreated – I had a bloody huge job on my hands with this one. Usually there were at least lights and switches already in place. “Sophie, she want to be ‘ere to see you,” Tino said apologetically. “But she ‘ave, what you call them…the piles, that is it. ‘Er arse it really ‘urt.” Claudia snorted, and I cleared my throat, not sure Tino’s wife would be happy about us knowing she was having such problems. “It’s fine Tino,” I replied. “I’m just taking photographs and measurements today, now that the builders have finished.” “No problemo. You do whatever you need to do. I go ‘ome now to my beautiful wife, I ‘ave cream for ‘er.” “Okay,” I said, nodding my head. “Eli, the gardener, He is ‘ere too. He ‘ave key and will lock door after you, okay?” “Yes, that’s fine. Elijah and I know each other actually.” I frowned wondering why on earth I’d felt the need to tell Tino that snippet of information. “Really? ‘Ow you know him?” “I -.” I opened my mouth to speak but was cut off by the sound of heavy

boots on the concrete floor. “She’s my wife,” Elijah said, standing next to Tino and staring directly at me. “At least she was, until she ran away five years ago.” “Oh sheet,” Tino gasped. “We ‘ave bloody big trouble.”

E LIJAH aged 28 And there she was, my beautiful ex-wife. The woman I had loved with all my heart, who had turned into a fucking banshee after getting the wrong end of the stick - the shitty end, which she hit me with, repeatedly. “Oh sheet. We ‘ave bloody big trouble,” Tino said, as I informed him that Amy was my ex-wife. “It’s fine, Tino,” I replied, placing a hand on his shoulder. “We’re all adults. There’ll be no trouble.” I watched Amy carefully, trying to regulate my breathing and stop the tremor in my hands. I hadn’t seen her for five years, and the fact that she looked as beautiful as ever, fucking floored me. Part of me wanted her to look broken and still devastated over the loss of our marriage, but she didn’t. Her head was held high, her shoulders were back, and there was a fierceness in her eyes. Amy Cooper, or should I say Brown, looked amazing and I couldn’t help but remember when she’d been mine. “I’m very professional,” Amy announced, narrowing her eyes at me. “You saying I’m not?” I asked, turning my attention back to the present. “No. Did I say that? Did I Claudia?” she asked, turning to the woman at her side. “Do you want me to answer, or is that a rhetorical question again?” Claudia asked, looking confused. Amy tutted. “Yes, I’d like an answer, please.” “Oh okay. No, you didn’t say that.” Claudia grinned at me and there was a little twinkle in her eye that told me she loved to play with Amy. Anyone who wanted to jangle those particular bells

was okay in my book. The more pissed off she got the better. There was nothing I liked more than seeing the woman who walked out on me getting all riled up and frustrated. “I ‘ave to go,” Tino said, tentatively moving towards the door. “Please no fighting. Okay?” I nodded as Amy sighed with exasperation. “Like I said, I’m extremely professional.” Amy offered me a fake smile before turning to Tino. “Go home to your wife, Tino. We’re good here.” Tino blew us a kiss and was out of the huge front door and zooming down the driveway in his Jeep, within seconds. “So, looks like we’re going to be working together,” I said, as we heard the last sounds of Tino’s engine. “I wouldn’t say together,” Amy replied, unzipping her bag and producing a laser distance measurer, pad, and pen. “You keep out of my way and I’ll keep out of yours.” “Going to be hard Amy, it’s a big house but not that big that you can get lost in it. Plus, every bloody room looks out onto the garden, so…” I grinned at her letting my insinuation sink in. “I won’t be watching you, if that’s what you’re saying. I have plenty of work to do. Once the contractors are here, I’ll be even more tied up.” “Well let’s hope this project is successful for both of us.” “I’m sure it will be.” “So, how’s the family?” I asked, genuinely interested. “Fine, thank you. Mum and Dad have moved…actually you know what, Elijah,” she said with a shake of her head, “let’s just stick to talking about the house. It’ll work much better for both of us.” With a flick of her hair, she walked over to the staircase and I couldn’t help but watch the sway of her hips in the tight skirt she was wearing. Fuck, she was still hot and still knew how to use her assets. When we’d first met at school, Amy had been a little shy at first, but as soon as we started going out her confidence increased massively. She wasn’t cocky or anything like that, she simply started to believe me when I told her she was gorgeous. As for when we started having sex, well her sexiness went off the charts and a little swing was introduced to her hips and arse. Her tops got a little lower and her hair a lot more sexed up. But it was all for me, only ever for me. She never once looked at another boy or man in all the years we were together. Now here she was swaying those hips again and I hadn’t failed to notice the hint of white lace under her tight shirt. Yeah, she could certainly afford to fasten one more button without looking like an old maid.

“Claudia, can you take the mood board out for the lounge, please?” she said over her shoulder, hanging her bag over the newel post of the bannister. “We’ll start measuring up in there.” “Strange,” I said, watching Claudia as she walked towards the lounge. “I’ll be working outside the lounge.” “And?” Amy asked, swinging around to face me. I shrugged. “Nothing, just pointing out I’ll be working hard outside the lounge window. It’ll be just like old times, you’ll be able to watch me work through the window.” Amy’s back stiffened as she threw me a glare. “This will be nothing like old times,” she snapped. “Because this time I won’t be falling for your lies.” With that she stormed off in the same direction as Claudia, and the fact that I thought she was really hot when she was angry left me feeling a little bit strange.

E LIJAH aged 17 It was bloody roasting hot and I was desperate for a drink, but I wasn’t stopping until I finished mowing the lawn for Mr Brown, Amy’s dad. He’d suffered an unexpected heart attack a few months before, at just forty-three years of age and was still feeling the effects of it, so anything I could do to help I did. Amy and I had been going out for almost eight months and I was pretty much part of the family, more so in the last three months since Mr Brown had been ill. I’d kind of become the odd job man of the house, doing the garden, mending the fence, that sort of thing. Amy was constantly telling me not to worry about things, but I liked helping out. I liked her – okay, I loved her – and I wanted her and her family to be happy, well as happy as they could be while they were still worried about Mr Brown’s health. If the fact that I did a few odd jobs did that, well, I was happy too. As I finished my second to last run up the lawn with the mower, I looked up to see Amy watching me through her bedroom window. Shit she looked beautiful today, possibly because I’d fucked her this morning when her parents had taken Matty, her brother, to buy new school shoes. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and looked a little messy, as though she’d been running her hands through it – in fact, it looked like it did when I ran my hands through it. What the hell had she been doing? “Open the window,” I shouted, miming the action of her pushing down the handle. “What?” she asked as she leaned out, giving me a glimpse of her cleavage under her red checked shirt. “Why does your hair look all sexed up?” I licked my lips as I felt movement

in my shorts. Amy grinned and leaned her elbow on the window sill, resting her chin in her hand. “No reason.” “You little liar. You’ve been touching yourself, haven’t you?” When she only answered with a giggle, I decided the damn lawn could wait. I needed to quench my thirst. “What time is everyone back?” I asked, bending down to unplug the mower from the extension cable. After lunch they’d all gone off to see Mrs Brown’s parents and thank fuck for that. “They could be ages yet,” Amy called down. “Grandad likes to watch the football results with Dad and Matty.” I glanced at my watch. We had at least two hours in that case. I ran to the house, kicked off my grass laden trainers at the door, and raced up the stairs as quickly as I could with a raging boner. When I got to Amy’s room, I saw she was in the shirt and nothing else. Her long legs, tanned from the recent heatwave, were bare and looked as smooth as silk and I couldn’t wait to get them wrapped around me. “I didn’t touch myself,” Amy said, her fingertips plucking at the top button of her shirt. “I was going to, seeing you out there with your shirt off looking all tanned and buff and sexy as hell got me all horny.” “Fuuuck,” I groaned, pacing towards her. “You make me so bloody hard.” I stopped in front of Amy and took her hand, placing it on my dick, letting her feel what she did to me. “Want to feel what you do to me?” she said, lifting her shirt and widening her legs. “Where’s your knickers?” Amy shrugged. “Didn’t put any on.” I swallowed hard and put my hand between her legs. Yep, she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I couldn’t get enough of this girl and every day with her just made me realise how deeply I’d fallen for her. “Take your top off,” I whispered, as I put two fingers inside her. With a little moan, Amy started to unbutton her shirt and by the third button I could see she wasn’t wearing a bra either. Her beautiful, round tits were aching to be touched if her hard nipples were anything to go by. So, as soon as the red checked fabric fell to the floor, by mouth was on her, slowly sucking on her nipples and then pulling my mouth away with a pop. As my fingers worked her, I moved my mouth to hers and kissed her deeply, my spare hand messing up her sex hair even more. “Elijah,” she gasped as my thumb rubbed against her clit. “Oh God.”

“I love you,” I whispered into her ear, “so fucking much.” Amy breathed in and moved on to her tiptoes as her orgasm started to take hold. “I…oh…love you…shit…too.” As Amy came apart in my arms, I knew I’d never love anyone like I loved her. This wasn’t just a teenage first love, she had my fucking heart forever.

A MY aged 28 As I wrote down the measurement of the huge French windows that overlooked the area that was to be a terrace, I could see Elijah from the corner of my eye. He was doing the same thing I was; measuring and taking photographs. He’d been taking lots of measurements – I knew because I’d barely been able to stop taking secretive glances. It was like poking at a loose tooth, it damn well hurt, but you couldn’t stop doing it as you relished a little in the pain. That’s what Elijah was; a pain that I relished. Seeing his truck had sent my heart into over drive, but seeing him and being in the same airspace had almost knocked me off my feet. I thought I was going to pass out as a deep, cloying heat suffocated my body and my mind. Concentrating on being bitchy was the only way I was able to stop myself from collapsing in a heap on the floor. His gorgeous, brown eyes and long lashes still took my breath away, as with every blink they fluttered against his tanned cheeks. His face had gone from boyish and beautiful to handsome and manly, his chiselled jaw now covered in stubble and his hair no longer messy and slightly outgrown but cropped close to his head. Everything about him had improved over the five years since I’d last seen him, and he’d been almost flawless then. Even the tattoos on his arms were better – there were more of them for a start and without trying to stare too much, I could see the once monotone pictures were now full of colour. But it wasn’t simply his looks that had been perfect, he’d been an amazing husband. Yes, we had our rows like any couple, but we loved each other, and he’d cherished and respected me – well, until that night at least. Blowing out a breath, I got back to the job in hand - designing the interior for

five bedrooms, four bathrooms, a lounge, a family and a dining room, all of which was going to take me some time. That being said, I knew Elijah’s task was even bigger than mine. Tino had told me that he and Sophie wanted two terraces that would both catch the sun at different times of the day, a garden where the kids could play and kick a ball around, one with plants and flowers where he and Sophie could relax, an herb garden, and somewhere for his llamas; all in all, a major amount of work. Add the fact that the land surrounding the house was currently mud, weeds, and rubble- it was going to take him and the guys who worked for him some time. My remit was to provide homely yet modern and stylish rooms that were contrasting to the exterior of the house with its cream, stuccoed walls, low pitched, red tiled roof and arched windows. If it had been up to Tino, there’d be Rubenesque art, marble pillars, and gilt-edged furniture, Sophie however, had a different idea. She’d given Tino carte blanche with the style of the house and the gardens, but she was insisting she made the decisions on the interior, which I was glad about – I loved modern and stylish- renaissance, not so much. “He’s going to be busy,” Claudia said, nodding toward Elijah who was writing something in a notepad. “Good.” I noted the width of the window and gave him a cursory glance. “It means I won’t have to speak to him too much.” “Got to be honest,” Claudia said, taking a photograph of the window. “He seems okay. Not half as monstrous as you made out.” “God, he’s bloody entranced you with those bloody long eyelashes, hasn’t he?” Claudia closed her eyes and tilted her head to the ceiling. “What are you doing?” I asked, eyeing her up and down. “Just checking if imagining a penis does anything for me,” she replied, her eyes still closed. “But no, sorry.” She opened her eyes and shrugged. “I’m still gay. He didn’t manage to entrance me.” “That’s not what I meant,” I snapped. “And you know it.” “Oh really?” she asked in mock surprise. “I thought you meant I found him so attractive I’d be vacuous enough to ignore his monstrous personality. Is that not what you meant?” She gave me a false smile and snapped another photograph. Sometimes I wondered why I kept her on, she was so bloody sarcastic and seemed to find great joy in winding me up. Problem was she was a damn good assistant and barely needed any direction. “I take people as I find them,” Claudia said from behind the camera. “And I found him to be perfectly pleasant. However, I realise I wasn’t married to him

and you were.” “Yes, I was.” I didn’t elaborate because truth be told, it was still too painful to think about. Everything around our short-lived marriage made my chest ache. Actually, that was a lie, everything around the last three hours of our marriage made my chest ache. “We done in here?” Claudia asked. I looked down at my notes and measurements, tapping my pen against my chin. I had everything I needed and already had an idea of which fabrics I might use for curtains and throw cushions. “Yep, all done,” I replied, looking at my watch. “Shall we grab a coffee before we start on the dining room?” “Did you bring any?” I nodded. “In my bag, in the hall. There’s a jar of coffee and some insulated paper cups.” “Did you bring milk?” Claudia frowned as she handed me the camera. “Yep. I even brought some small packets of sugar.” She grinned and left me in the middle of the room, looking through the pictures she’d taken to see if I needed to take any others. Taking a few more, I then made my way to the gorgeous, state of the art kitchen, which had already been installed by the house builder. When I got there, Claudia was just pouring water into three cups. “Who’s the other drink for?” I asked, pulling out one of the stools at the huge kitchen island. Claudia looked at me in such a way I knew I’d asked a stupid question. “I’ll rephrase that,” I sighed. “Is that for Elijah?” She nodded and went back to what she’d been doing. “It didn’t feel right not offering him one.” “I’m surprised he hasn’t got a flask of tea in his truck. He usually does.” I paused as memories squeezed at my heart. “Well, he always used to.” Claudia stopped stirring and looked over her shoulder at me. “You don’t have to hate him you know. It’s not mandatory when you divorce someone.” I sat up straighter and placed a hand against my stomach. “In this case it is.” “Okay, but maybe hold off the hostilities for a little while. You’re going to be working close to him for the next couple of months at least and that’s a long time to be angry every day. It’ll only make your days long and give you a constant headache.” “Yeah, well as I said before, hopefully he’ll be too busy.” “You obviously loved him once, Amy, so I understand how hard this must be

for you.” As she passed me my cup of coffee, Claudia actually looked sympathetic, not something I was used to from her. She was normally extremely unsympathetic and hugely sarcastic. I wasn’t sure what to say. Was it hard for me? I had no idea, we’d been apart for five years. Did it still hurt what had happened – of course it did. I’d thought we were going to grow old together. But would it be hard for me seeing Elijah every day, it pained me to say it, but no it wouldn’t. As soon as I’d seen his truck, I’d felt an anger brew inside me from the pit of my stomach to the top of my head, but I’d also felt a tingle of excitement. I was going to see him after five years. The first time since I’d found him in bed with fucking Lauren Proctor. He was the boy who stole my heart and gave me some of my best memories, then he tainted them all when he broke my heart.

A MY aged 18 “Eli, we can’t,” I hissed as he pulled me across the 6 th form common room with our fingers linked together. “Yes we can, and we are,” he replied, staring at me with dark, hooded eyes. “You can’t come to school wearing that fucking skirt and not expect me to want to shag you.” I rolled my eyes but mentally high-fived myself. I knew when I’d put the short skirt on, Elijah would love it. Mum had tried to make me change it, but when I pointed out that one school skirt was ripped and the other had tomato ketchup all over it, thanks to my brother Matty, she had to let me leave the house in the only other navy blue skirt that I had. One which I normally wore with a crop top and four-inch heels. “Where are we going?” I asked, giving two girls from my history class a quick wave. “Sick bay.” Elijah turned his head and gave me a look that said ‘and I’m going to make you scream’. I swallowed back the gasp that was pushing at my lips and picked up my pace, trying to keep up with him. When we reached the corridor that led to the school nurse’s office, Elijah pulled to a stop. “Wait here,” he whispered. “I’ll go and get the key. I’ll tell Nurse Turner I’m ill.” “With what?” I asked, eyeing him up and down. “You look perfectly healthy to me.” “Blue fucking balls,” he deadpanned. “Because my fucking girlfriend is

wearing a skirt that practically shows her amazing arse, which I know is only covered by a tiny piece of lace that barely covers her pussy. Breathing deeply, I felt my thong get damp as Elijah’s words excited me. “You think maybe you should hide that.” I pointed at the bulge in his grey school trousers. “It kind of gives the game away.” Blowing out a breath, he pulled his shirt out of his waistband and smoothed it over his erection. “Still see it,” I said with a smirk. “Fuck’s sake.” He looked down at it for a second or two and then dragged his navy jumper over his head. As he did, his shirt was dragged with it and I caught a glimpse of his hard abs and the thin trail of dark hair leading down from his belly button. “Dirty girl,” he muttered, catching me staring, as he tied his jumper around his waist. “I can’t help it,” I breathed out. “Those gardening jobs are doing amazing things for your body.” I wetted my lips and pushed my thighs together. God, and they talked about teenage boys being horny. I couldn’t wait to have his hands on me. I felt as though I had a detonator between my legs and one press and I’d explode. Elijah grinned at me and pulled me against him, so I could feel exactly how hard he was. His arm went around my waist, with his hand moving down and slipping under the hem of my skirt and landing on my bum cheek. “Knew it,” he groaned against my mouth, as his fingers pushed under the lace edge of my thong. “I know how much you love them,” I gasped, as he palmed my backside. “Too fucking much.” Elijah thrust his hips and when I moaned softly, he pulled away and muttered, ‘I’ll be back’, before disappearing toward the nurse’s room. Ten minutes later and I was laid out on the leatherette couch bed, wearing just my skirt and bra. My legs were open and Elijah was lying between them, kissing up my bare thighs. His tie was loosely knotted over his shirt, his trousers were undone and the smooth, pink crown of his dick was poking out of the top of his boxer briefs. “Oh god.” I had tried to be quiet, but as his tongue licked along my wet seam, the pleasure pulsed throughout my body. “Eli, please.” He took my clit into his mouth, sucking it hard and then blowing on it, making my hips thrust upward. I placed a hand on the back of his head, pushing it closer to my core. “Taste so damn good,” he said, finally coming up for air and crawling up my

body, all the while dropping kisses onto my pebbled skin. “Baby,” I pleaded, the throbbing between my legs making me needy and spoiled. “I don’t think I’ll last long,” he said, pulling my bra down and sucking on my skin, leaving a red love bite. “I don’t care.” Taking hold of his shirt, I dragged his body up mine and then gripping his trousers, pushed them and his undies down his hips, just past his arse. “Elijah.” Taking my mouth with his, he thrust inside of me in one quick motion and it felt like it never had before. The waves of my orgasm started to build as Elijah moved in and out of me. My breathing began to shallow and my hips bucked as I got closer and closer. I’d never had an orgasm through penetration before, Eli usually always got me off with his fingers or his tongue, but this was amazing. My nerve endings started to come alive, starting in the pit of my stomach and fanning out across my body, like ripples on a pond. Each ripple bigger than the last until finally, I shattered, screaming out his name and gripping his arms tightly. Elijah kissed me, smothering my noise as he continued to thrust, hard and fast. As my orgasm slowly faded, his began to grow, but as he chased it, it became too much for me, the ongoing pleasure mixing with a feathering pain. When he came, I felt myself fall again as more waves of pleasure broke. They weren’t as intense as the first, but still made me buck and keen beneath him. After a few minutes of getting our breath back, Elijah looked down at me and grinned. “Fucking awesome,” he said. “I made you cum with my dick.” “Eli,” I chastised. “You’re so unromantic at times.” I wasn’t really mad, how could I be when he’d just given me two orgasms. He dropped his forehead to my heated chest and blew out a breath. “Do you think Nurse Turner heard me?” I asked, suddenly worried. Eli shrugged. “Don’t know and don’t care.” He looked up at me, love and warmth shining from his eyes. “It’d be worth getting caught, knowing what just happened.” “You’re so proud of yourself, aren’t you?” I giggled, brushing my fingers through his hair. He looked happy and handsome, and the love I had for him was all encompassing. It worried me sometimes, how much I did love him. I’d be a shadow of myself if I lost him. He gave me confidence, he made me feel sexy

and loved and I couldn’t imagine ever wanting or needing that from anyone else; ever. Nodding, he gave me a cheeky smile. “Too right.” He reached up to kiss me and let out a string of curses when the door handle rattled. “Elijah, are you okay?” Nurse Turner asked from the other side of the door. “Erm, yeah,” he called. “I was just dozing.” “Is your head okay now?” Eli pulled out of me and looked down at the swollen head of his dick and laughed silently, pointing at it. “Yeah, much better. Those tablets really helped.” “Can you let me in?” she called. “Yeah, just one second.” “No,” I mouthed, waving a hand down my partially covered body. “Get dressed,” he hissed. Scrambling off the bed, almost tripping over, he pulled up his boxers and trousers, tucking in his shirt, and dragging on his jumper, while I readjusted my bra and grabbed my school blouse from the red, plastic chair next to the bed. “Where are my knickers?” I asked, tugging on Elijah’s arm. We both swivelled around, searching the room in unison. Elijah found them on the floor and threw them at me. “Get behind the door,” he said, giving me a quick kiss and bum squeeze, before moving toward the door. As he put his hand on the handle, I grabbed my bag and flattened myself against the wall, hoping Nurse Turner didn’t come in. “You feeling better?” I heard Nurse Turner ask Elijah as he stood in the doorway. “Much. Just needed those tablets and a nap, I think.” “That’s good. Now, here’s two more tables should you need them, but I think you’ll be okay to go to your next lesson. What is it?” Elijah coughed over what I recognised was a chuckle. “Biology, Nurse Turner.” “Okay, well off you go.” Ten minutes after that, I was slipping into my seat in business studies when my mobile buzzed with a text. Eijah: Fucking love you. Best headache ever! xoxo

E LIJAH aged 28 As I jogged along the canal tow path my phone rang through my earphones, and if it hadn’t been the Match of the Day theme tune, I wouldn’t have answered, but the music told me it was either Lucas, Alex, or my brother Sam calling. “Yeah,” I breathed out. “Hey Eli, it’s me.” “Hey Lucas, what’s up?” “You jogging, or have I caught you mid performance?” his low laugh echoed down the line. “Jogging you dickhead. Do you really think I’d answer the phone in the middle of shagging?” “Well, considering who you could be shagging.” He laughed again, and I almost ended the call, I was getting pissed off with his constant jibe that Mia, my girlfriend, was boring. Okay, so she was an accountant, but she shouldn’t have been judged for it. “If you’ve got nothing nice to say, fuck off,” I replied. “Sorry,” Lucas said, sounding anything but. “I won’t take the piss out of your girlfriend again.” “Right, so what do you want?” I asked, jogging down steps to take me back onto the road. “Wondered if you’d heard who’s back in town.” “Yep,” I said, altering my stride to dodge a pile of vomit. “Actually, I saw her.” “Fuck off. When?” “Yesterday. We’re working on the same job.”

Quickly looking both ways, I jogged across the road waiting for Lucas’ response. “What, nothing to say on the matter?” I asked, as I continued the last few hundred yards to my house. “Fucking hell,” he groaned. “And how was it?” “How do you think?” I took my key from the pocket of my shorts and slipped it into the door, letting myself in. “And how does she look?” Lucas asked. I just knew he was wiggling his eyebrows in that dirty fucker way he always did when discussing my ex-wife. Lucas had a penchant for tits, and well…Amy had great tits. “Just like she always did, and please stop those damn thoughts. I’ve told you before it’s disrespectful.” Lucas muttered a petulant sorry. “This is why you don’t have a woman,” I stated. “You can’t keep telling them they’re boring or that they’ve got great tits, it doesn’t go down well.” “I’ve never told Mia that she’s boring,” he protested. “I think faking a yawn when she starts talking kind of gives it away.” I walked into my kitchen and pulled open the fridge door, pulling out a bottle of water. “I did that once and I was pissed. As for Amy, I told her she had nice tits once and I was pissed.” “I think we have a pattern forming here, Lucas,” I said, before swigging back a mouthful of water. “I’m just pointing out you make me sound like an unrefined pervert, and I’m really not,” he replied, almost pleading. “It’s alcohol, it changes me.” “Ladies and gentlemen, that is the summing up for the prosecution.” I laughed quietly and made my way toward the stairs. “So, is there anything else you want, because I really need to get a shower?” “Fucking hell, I try and be a good mate, letting you know your ex-wife is back in town and all I get is abuse.” “That’s not abuse, mate, that’s me being a friend and telling you the truth.” “Whatever, I just wondered if you knew but as you obviously do, that’s fine.” I let out a chuckle and walked into my bathroom, turning on the shower. “I do appreciate you calling, mate. I know you were only trying to help.” “I didn’t want you bumping into her and being surprised by it. So, are you going to tell me how it was?” I sat down on the toilet and started unlacing my trainers. “It wasn’t too bad.” I blew out a breath. “But she looks fucking good Lucas, I’ve got to be honest.” “You wanted her to look like shit, didn’t you?” he jeered.

“Yeah,” I said on a breathy laugh. “I did, but she doesn’t.” “She still sweet and cute?” “Hah, you’re fucking joking, aren’t you? She’s much feistier than I remember. She always knew how to stand up for herself but shit, she’s frostier than a snowman’s bollocks these days.” “I suppose finding your fairly new husband in bed with another woman can do that to you.” The fucker, he was smiling and thinking he was funny, I just knew it. “It wasn’t what she thought, I told you that.” I felt my chest tighten as I thought back to that night and Lauren fucking Proctor. “I was so pissed I could barely walk and she took advantage.” “I hate to say this Eli, but only a few minutes ago you told me being pissed was no excuse for being a twat.” “Difference is I didn’t do anything, and you are a twat.” I didn’t want to be a dick to him or sound defensive but I couldn’t help it, because if truth be told, I had no fucking clue what had happened that night. All I knew was that I adored my wife and never in a million years would have done anything to spoil what we had, least of all with Lauren fucking Proctor. “Alright,” Lucas cried. “Calm down, I’m pulling your leg. I know you wouldn’t have done anything like that. I’m only laughing about it because I find it totally ridiculous.” I let out a long breath and kicked my trainers out of the bathroom door and onto the landing. “I’m just done with trying to defend myself to everyone, especially since the one person I wanted to listen just fucked off and left me and didn’t return for five years.” Neither of us spoke for a few seconds, and I wondered whether Lucas had ended the call. “Luc, you still there?” “Yeah, yeah, just trying to think of something to say that doesn’t make me sound like a bigger twat than I already do.” I let out a deep laugh and ran a hand over my sweaty face. “Don’t worry about it mate, I’m being stupid. What’s done is done. We’re divorced and I have Mia; time to move on.” “If that’s what you want,” Lucas replied. “But you could always use working with her as an opportunity to get back into her good books and ultimately her knickers.” “Lucas,” I groaned. “Now you do sound more of a twat that you did before.” “Sorry. But it is something to consider.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m going, I need to shower and get some dinner.” “You seeing Mia tonight, or do you fancy nipping down to the pub?” “Neither mate. I’m knackered. I’m going to grab some dinner, watch a bit of TV, and then bed. Maybe catch up at the weekend?” “Yeah, no problem. See you then.” “Yeah, see ya.” “But Eli,” Lucas said before I could hang up. “What?” “Don’t let the opportunity go if you still have feelings for her.” Before I could respond, he was gone, and the line went dead. I slumped back and looked up at the ceiling as steam from the shower started to filter from the cubicle into the bathroom. Maybe Lucas was right, maybe I should consider trying to talk to Amy about what she thought she’d seen, but somehow, I doubted she’d listen. As I ripped off my sweat soaked running vest, I looked down at the ornate heart tattoo on my chest, it was the one I’d had for her and the one I had never considered getting rid of, even when things had started to get serious with Mia. The heart had a lock and key which hung from a ribbon and had the words; ‘When my heart met yours it knew’ written inside it and it was still the favourite of all the tattoos I had. My arms were covered, but I had one tattoo on my body – the one for Amy, over my heart. When Mia had asked about it, I was ashamed to say I’d passed it off as a generic tatt that had no meaning, but she wasn’t stupid and she knew I’d been married, so it didn’t take a genius to figure it out. Sweet Mia had never questioned it and accepted the tattoo as part of me. As I looked at the words, my real heart clenched because it was true. The minute I saw Amy I knew she was mine, would always be mine. Even at seventeen I knew she was it. The one. What a fool I’d been, because she wasn’t, we were finished, and as much as it hurt, it was a fact that was never going to change.

A MY aged 19 As I rounded the corner coming back from the loo, I had an inkling she’d be there, and she didn’t let me down. Ever since our first year in the sixth form, Lauren Proctor had been trying to get Elijah for herself. It didn’t seem to matter to her that he and I had been going out together for almost two years, because any opportunity she got, she’d be hanging off his arm. As I watched from the dim corner of the pub, I could see Elijah trying to shake her off, but she was like a bloody leech, clinging on for dear life. When she trailed a finger across the tree tattoo that he’d had a few weeks before, Elijah took her hand from his arm and pushed her away, albeit gently, but anyone could see he wasn’t interested – anyone except Lauren. I knew if I walked over there she’d act all innocent and make her excuses to leave, but I was tired of the same old shit with her. I wanted her to finally get the message from my boyfriend because I needed to stop feeling sick every time he went out without me. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him because I did. Elijah had never given me any reason to doubt him, and although I wasn’t living away from home, my university interior design course meant I was often late getting back and had tons of course work to do, so I couldn’t always go out during the week. Whereas Elijah was doing a landscape gardening course at a local agricultural college and had quite a few free hours during the week to get his work done, easily giving him enough time to go out drinking with his friends. Deciding enough was enough, I started to move out of the shadows and back to our table, but as I did Lauren went in for the kiss. As she lurched forward, lips puckered, I pulled to a stop, a gasp of shock leaving my body with same speed as

the adrenalin pushing through my veins. I wanted to scream and rush her, but my feet were rooted to the spot and tears pricked my eyes at what I thought was about to happen. Then my heart almost exploded when Elijah ducked out of the way and put his palm up in front of Lauren’s face. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I watched his lips as they said ‘What the fuck are you doing? I’m with Amy. I love Amy.’ Lauren said something that I couldn’t see, but Elijah took both her forearms and gently pushed her away. Then he raised his voice, shouting ‘Lauren, I’m sick of telling you no’. As he turned his back on her, I decided it was time for me to go back to my boyfriend. “What’s going on?” I asked, as I reached our table. Elijah looked up at me and rolled his eyes. “Lauren is leaving.” Lauren’s head shot around to me and she plastered on a smile. “Hi, Amy. I’m just going. I was asking Elijah if he’s seen Alex.” “Alex?” I asked. “Erm, yeah. He owes me a drink.” “Really?” “Lauren,” Elijah warned. “Stop with the shit and tell Amy why you’re really here.” “I think I know,” I said, giving him a smile. “And I think you know, Lauren, that Elijah isn’t interested, so just give it a fucking rest. It’s a muggy thing to do and you know it.” Lauren’s eyes went big as she stared between me and Elijah. I could see her bottom lip tremble and wondered if she was going to burst into tears. “I…He…He’s always flirting with me,” she snapped. “I would never do anything unless I thought he wanted me to.” “I fucking don’t,” Elijah cried. “I don’t even look at you for longer than two seconds, because I know if I do you’ll come rushing over, trying to get me to take you out, or even go outside with you.” “I do not,” Lauren replied, not at all convincingly. I sighed and took hold of her arm. “Listen, Lauren, I don’t really care. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like my seat back please.” I pulled Lauren up and as soon as I was able, flopped into my chair. “You are such a knob head,” she spat at Elijah. “As if I’d be interested in you.” With that she spun on her heels and stormed off. “She’s a fucking psycho,” Elijah groaned, as we watched her go through the main door of the pub. “Hopefully she’s got the message.” I picked up my drink and took a long swig. When I put it down, Elijah gave my shoulder a squeeze.

“You do know I’d never do anything to hurt you, don’t you?” “I do,” I replied. “But she never stops trying to get you away from me. It’s all the time and I hate it.” “But she isn’t going to succeed,” he said, taking a strand of my hair and twisting it around his fingers. “You’re who I want to be with, not her.” “And I know that,” I stressed, my voice getting a little louder. “But it still doesn’t stop me worrying and wondering every time you’re out and I’m not around. I’m constantly thinking is she coming on to you, are you talking to her, has she turned your head ? ” “Never.” Elijah interrupted me, shaking his head. “She will never turn my head. You are everything to me.” I dropped my gaze to the table and dragged a finger along the chipped varnish. I hated sounding so pathetic and so needy, but I couldn’t help it. “It was funny at first,” I said, still staring at the table. “But now I’m sick of it, and sick of how she makes me feel. I’m not a jealous person and I know that you love me, but she’s making me doubt everything about us.” “Amy,” he whispered, lifting my face so that we were eye to eye. “I had no idea she made you feel like this. I thought like me, you just found her annoying as fuck.” “She went way past annoying a long time ago,” I sighed. Elijah’s eyes darkened as he shifted his chair closer to mine. “I’ll talk to her, tell her to back off for good. I don’t want you worrying all the time, because I swear you have nothing to worry about. She is nothing to me and never will be, I promise.” His brown eyes begged me to believe him and I knew he was telling the truth. I nodded and within seconds his lips were on mine, kissing me gently until I let out a soft moan. “I love you,” he whispered. “I love you too.” My gorgeous, brown-eyed boy kissed me again and I knew he was all I would ever want.

A MY aged 28 I’d been working on Tino and Sophie’s house for almost two weeks and had barely seen Elijah. The three guys that worked for him were constantly in and out of the kitchen, making cups of tea or warming up pies and sausage rolls for their lunch in the microwave, but Elijah never did. I’d caught sight of him a couple of times working in the garden, but mostly he’d stayed away. “So, Claudia,” Bob, one of Elijah’s men said eyeing her up and down. “What do you do in your spare time?” Claudia took a sip of her coffee and made a strange sound from the back of her throat. I wasn’t sure, but I think she was growling. Bob’s sandy coloured eyebrows arched. “Well?” Claudia put her mug down slowly and gave him a tight smile. “Any reason you ask?” “I’d love to take you out, if you’re not busy.” I snorted and dropped my gaze to the fabric swatches on the table. “I’m busy most weekends,” Claudia replied. “Oh, come on, you can’t be busy every single weekend. Surely you have some spare time.” Claudia breathed deeply and I almost felt sorry for Bob. It was her, ‘I’m about to be a bitch’ sigh. “Oh dear,” I muttered. Bob looked at me and then back to Claudia. “Come on Bob,” Marty, one of Elijah’s other men said. “Leave Claudia alone, there’s no way she’ll want to go out with you and your big, fat, hairy arse.”

“I don’t have a hairy arse.” He looked at Claudia. “I really don’t love. So, do you have some free time?” I heard the breath again and looked up, unable to stop myself from watching the car crash that was about to happen. “Actually,” Claudia said, helping herself to more coffee from the pot. “I tend to have quite a lot of spare time at the weekend.” “So, you will come out with me then?” Claudia gave him a smile and shook her head. “No Bob, I won’t.” “Oh,” he said taking a step back, obviously a little shocked at her forthright manner. “Okay.” “You see, Bob, any spare time I do have, I spend in bed with my girlfriend. You know, having sex, pleasuring each other. We might even eat some food off each other’s naked bodies, or eat something else, if you get my drift.” Marty let out a short laugh and then slapped a hand over his mouth, turning to look at Bob who was staring at Claudia with his mouth wide open. “You see, Bob,” Claudia continued “I’m gay and really not interested in men at all. I should also point out that if I was, it’s still unlikely that I’d go out with you.” “You wouldn’t?” Bob asked, frowning. Claudia shook her head. “Nope. Marty is right, you do have a hairy arse.” Without another word she lifted her mug, continued to drink her coffee and sort through some invoices for light fittings. I looked at Bob who was staring at her totally nonplussed, while Marty quietly laughed with his shoulders shaking. “Bob I-,” Before I had time to say anything else the back door opened and Elijah’s tall frame filled the doorway. “Nice to see you’re all having a lovely time in here,” he said, his hands on the hips of his mud -streaked cargo, work trousers. “Because me and Anthony are working our fucking nuts off out there. There’s a truckload of Italian slate slabs just two hours away and you pair are in here fucking drinking tea and chatting with the ladies instead of finishing the prep for the south terrace.” “Sorry boss, we were just-.” “I don’t care what you were just fucking doing, Marty. I want you to just fucking get out there and get some work done. This is not your lunch break, it’s a damn tea break and by my watch that finished ten minutes ago.” Bob and Marty both moved to the sink, Marty swigging back the rest of his tea. Bob started to run the tap but stopped when Elijah groaned. “Leave those, you can do them later. Get out there now.”

They shuffled out, leaving the door open behind them. “Someone got out of bed on the wrong side this morning,” I muttered, shifting my gaze back to the swatches of fabric. “Sorry?” I heard Elijah’s boots on the tiled floor and then felt his presence beside me. My body tensed and the hair on my arms stood on end as my senses recognised him. His scent and his heat all too familiar. I slowly tilted my head, giving him a sideways glance. “I said, you’ve obviously got out of bed on the wrong side this morning. They were just chatting and drinking their tea. They’ve been working hard all morning.” “And you’d know that would you?” Elijah asked, moving closer. I stood up straight, still holding tightly to the swatches and rolled my eyes. “As you pointed out, every room looks out onto the garden. I’ve watched them. In fact, I’ve seen them every day working hard while you’ve been prancing around doing God knows what.” Elijah’s nostrils flared as fury shone in his eyes. I knew that look, I’d seen it many times before; rarely had it been used on me, but I’d seen it. “You have no fucking idea what I’ve been doing. Not that it’s any of your damn business, it’s not like we’re married, Amy.” His words were spat out and every single one of them caused my heart to ache. “And whose fault is that, Elijah,” I snapped back, taking a breath to try and stop the tears that were threatening to fall. I had loved this man since I was seventeen years old. I’d cherished everything about him – his need to bloody jog every day, the fact that he insisted on having the bedroom window open each night, his obsession with Only Fools and Horses and the fact he could recite every line. I loved every single thing about him, even the way his calloused fingers felt touching my skin. So, how the hell had it come to this – oh yes, he couldn’t keep his bloody cock in his pants. “Well, not mine.” His brown eyes flashed with hurt as he stared at me. “I’ll just go and erm, sort through the boxes of light fittings.” I heard Claudia say from behind me. “Don’t go on my account,” Elijah replied. “I’m not staying.” “No, it’s fine,” she replied. When I heard the door close I turned sharply, wondering if she really had left, and when I realised I was alone with Elijah, my stomach turned over. “Just go back to work,” I said, turning back him. “We obviously can’t be

civil to each other, so it’s probably best we don’t even speak.” “Yeah probably,” Elijah replied. “But I didn’t cause this Amy, you did the day you fucked off without giving me a chance to defend myself.” I shook my head, my mouth in a flat, grim, determined line. “No, Elijah, you don’t get to blame me for this. You were the one who jumped into bed with Lauren. While I was in the same house, I should add, just to twist the knife a little more.” “Exactly, you were in the same house. As if I’d jump into bed with her, knowing you were downstairs, never mind I’d never jump into bed with her full stop. You know how fucking drunk I was Amy, you were the one who said I should go and lie down for a while.” He threw his hands in the air and took a pace closer to me. Anger seeped from every pore on his body and I could feel it all aimed at me. “Yeah,” I huffed. “I certainly laid that one on a plate for you, didn’t I?” Elijah let out a breath and shook his head. “You’re never going to listen to me, are you?” “It’s hard to listen to lies, Elijah.” I sucked in my lips and prayed that I didn’t start to cry, because even after five years I still wanted to curl up in a ball and sob over my broken marriage. “All I wanted was for you to listen, Amy. Listen and then make up your mind, but you couldn’t even afford me that luxury, could you?” We stared at each other and it was evident that at least we had the sense not to speak for fear of saying something that could never be forgiven. Finally, Elijah scrubbed his large hand down his face and did a half-turn toward the back door. “One thing you should know,” he said, his voice strained. “I fucking loved you and the thought that you would think I could hurt you like that, well that’s what gutted me the most.” He then stormed out, slamming the door so hard the cups in the sink rattled, and I’ve never wanted anything more than to be able to turn back time and do things differently.

A MY aged 28 After my run in with Elijah, the last thing I felt like doing was going to a family dinner, but Mum and Dad had been on holiday and she wanted to see her babies, together, for the first time in two weeks. This meant that I was being greeted at the door by a tanned, smiling Mum. “Hello love,” Mum said, pulling me into a hug. “Ooh I’ve missed you.” “You’ve only been gone two weeks.” My voice was muffled against her chest. “Did you have a good time?” “Lovely. Your Dad swam every day.” I looked up to see her eyes glistening with the fear that she still felt about Dad’s heart attack, even after ten years. “And he was okay?” I asked, not worried, but reaffirming to mum that she didn’t need to wrap him up in cotton wool. She nodded and then taking in a quick breath, started to study me. “There’s something wrong with you though.” “What makes you think something’s wrong?” “You’re my daughter, I gave birth to you. I know every expression you have and you’re currently wearing the ‘something is pissing me off’ expression.” I rolled my eyes and moved past her into the hall, making my way into the kitchen, knowing it was where everyone else would be. Everyone else being my Dad, my brother Matty, and Matty’s girlfriend, Carla. “Hey,” I said, as brightly as possible. “Oh my god, Carla. You’re bloody blooming.” I rushed over to her and ran a hand over the swollen stomach and kissing her cheek. Matty and Carla were having a baby and at five months pregnant, she was

all of a sudden looking very pregnant. “She’s looks beautiful, doesn’t she?” Mum said proudly as she moved over to the oven to check the Shepherd’s pie that was permeating a homely, comforting smell into the kitchen. “I don’t know about that,” Carla replied. “I feel fat and horrible.” “You’re not fat, babe and you know it.” Matty kissed her temple and grinned. My heart swelled as I watched them, knowing that they were going to be fantastic parents despite being young. It hadn’t been the best timing, Carla getting pregnant during their final year at uni’, but at least it had been close to the end. Thankfully, they’d both managed to get decent degrees despite all the worry and the fact that Carla’s parents had practically disowned her, hence she and Matty were living with Mum and Dad. Dad had suggested it, saying it would allow them to save some money toward the deposit on a house. Mum had also offered to look after the baby when it came, once Carla got a career job, as she was currently working in a call centre. Both she and Matty had degrees in Computer Science, and Matty had already started as a junior developer with a software company, so things were looking good for them. “Aww you’re going to be such a good baby daddy,” I said, playfully pinching my brother’s cheek. He pushed me away, but gave me a gorgeous smile that was full of pride. “How are you Dad?” I asked, moving over to give him a hug. “Great thanks, sweetheart.” He squeezed me tight and kissed the end of my nose, as he always did. “How’s the new job going?” “Fine,” I replied, going over to the sink to get myself a glass of water. “No, the job is not fine,” Mum said from behind me. “I can tell, something is bothering her.” “What makes you think it’s the job?” I asked, still with my back to them. “If there even is anything wrong.” “Well you don’t currently have a boyfriend and don’t seem to want one, you look healthy enough, I saw Rachel in town earlier and she seemed happy, so it can only be the job.” Mum was right, the only other person I’d be worried about would be my best friend, Rachel, my rock. She’d been my friend since primary school and had been through every single moment with me and Elijah, even the horrible, shitty ones at the end. She was newly married to Adam and extremely, annoyingly happy, so Mum had deduced correctly what my problem was. I turned around, knowing I couldn’t keep it from them any longer. I was going to have to spill the news that Elijah was working with me. “Okay,” I sighed. “There is something.”

“I knew it,” Mum announced proudly. “You can’t get much past me.” Dad rubbed her arm. “Let her tell us, Claire, okay?” “Yes, sorry love. Tell us.” “Elijah is working on the same job as me,” I blurted out, hoping if the words came out quickly they wouldn’t have a chance to hang around long enough to hurt. “Fuck,” Matty muttered, dragging a hand through his already messy, darkchestnut coloured hair. “Matthew.” Mum flicked a tea towel at him and then turned to me. “Oh love, how was it?” “It was fine, as far as it could be.” “It can’t have been easy for you,” Dad said, shaking his head. “Did you talk, have you talked?” “We spoke, can’t say it was the friendliest chat I’ve ever had with someone, but…” I trailed off, not having any clue what the ‘but’ meant. But it still hurts. But he looks amazing. But I want to kick him in the dick. “Did he beg for your forgiveness?” Matty asked. “Because he should’ve, pissing knob head.” Mum gave an exasperated sigh in Matty’s direction before turning back to me. “Did he apologise?” I shook my head. “No, he still insists he didn’t do anything.” “You bloody caught them,” Dad gasped. “Lee, you don’t have to keep reminding her.” Mum tutted and moved over to the cooker, taking a pair of oven mitts, she pulled out the steaming Shepherd’s pie and placed it on the side. We all stayed silent, watching her do what she did best -take care of us. “I’m sorry,” Dad finally said, dragging his eyes from Mum. “It still hurts for us too. He was like a son to us and I can’t believe he betrayed you like that. I thought better of him.” I crossed my arms over my chest as I watched my Dad’s frown deepen. He was right, Elijah had been like a son to them. He’d grown up as part of this family, embedding himself into our everyday life, especially when Dad had his heart attack, helping by doing the jobs around the house that Dad wasn’t able to for a while. My parents had loved him for that and were devastated when we split up. Matty had actually cried, he was only sixteen and Elijah was his hero – his big brother. “Do you have to see him much?” Carla asked, her big grey eyes filled with

worry. “Not much, not so far at least. He’s not been around a lot, but I heard one of his men say he’d been finishing off another job, so he may well be a lot more now.” A little guilt washed over me as I recalled accusing him of ‘prancing around’. Then again, what did I care if I’d been wrong, he was the cheating prick, not me. “I guess you’re just going to have to get on with it, sweetheart,” Dad said on a sigh. “Do your job, let him do his and hopefully not have to see much of him. You’re strong, you can do it.” “Well,” Mum said, taking knives and forks from the cutlery drawer. “You know what I think?” “What?” I asked as we all looked at her expectantly. “He’s a fucking little fucker.”

E LIJAH aged 28 My mind was spinning into overtime. All I’d been able to think about all week had been fucking Amy – well not fucking Amy as in the act, although if I had to visualise something while I wanked in the shower each morning, it wasn’t a bad place to start. Problem was, when that thought entered my head, my guilt about Mia stabbed at my temples and gave me a damn headache. She was a sweet girl and I loved her, but it wasn’t that all-consuming, tightening of the gut, tugging on my nuts kind of love that I’d felt for Amy. “Fuck you Amy Brown,” I muttered, as I raised the lump hammer and continued to smash up the mound of concrete that the builders had left behind, lazy fuckers. “How’s it going, boss?” Marty asked, coming to stand in front of me, holding out a mug. “Hard,” I growled, taking another swing of the hammer. “I’ve told Tino he should complain about the mess they’ve left outside, but I doubt he will.” “It’s going to slow us down by at least a week, especially as the whacker is knackered.” “Yeah, I know,” I sighed, dropping the hammer to the ground and leaning on the handle. “They must have dumped all the shit from inside, outside before they left site, because it wasn’t here when I came to do the damn quote.” I took the proffered mug from Marty, taking a welcoming sip. It was hard, hot, thirsty work and tea was just what I needed. “I got you some water too.” He handed the large bottle over and grinned. “What?” I took it from him and threw it down next to my fleece on the floor.

“Amy gave it to me for you.” I almost choked on the tea that I’d just taken a sip of. “Fuck off.” “Nope. She gave us all one. She did kind of growl when she handed one over for ‘him making all the banging noise’, but at least she thought of you.” I looked down at the bottle of water on the floor and scowled. “You sure she didn’t spit in it first?” “I checked, it’s still sealed.” We both laughed at the fact that Amy’s hatred for me was so obvious that Marty had felt the need to check she hadn’t tampered with my water. We’d barely spoken since our argument the week before, but evidently I wasn’t the only one to notice the icy stares she’d been throwing my way. “So how long were you two married?” Marty asked, kicking at a piece of rubble. “Not really sure I want to talk about it,” I replied with a scowl. “All you need to know is I didn’t do what she said I did. She’s fucking blinkered and narrow minded and gave up on us too easily.” “Okay.” He raised a brow and turned to walk away. “You know what they say though boss. It’s a thin line between love and hate.” “Yeah and you know what else they say, Marty?” He gave me a questioning chin lift. “It’s best to keep out of your boss’s fucking business, unless you want to be without a job.” Marty gave a chuckle and left me to finish my tea, looking over at the lounge window where I knew Amy was working. I could imagine what she was doing; she’d have a pencil in her hair, a finger on her lips and one hip cocked as she studied the position of the mirror she’d hung, or the cushions she’d placed. Either that or she was on the phone giving the decorating contractor shit for not putting the wallpaper up to her satisfaction, or not giving the wall enough coverage with the paint. I smiled and shook my head, hating that I still knew her every move, despising myself more for enjoying playing the game of ‘What’s Amy Doing Now?’. I’d played it a lot when she first left, but gradually managed to wean myself off it, but now she was close by, in my fucking air space, I was as addicted to it as fucking Candy Crush and I really didn’t want to be. It made me feel weak and pathetic and guilty because it felt like I was cheating on Mia and that was shit, because despite what Amy might think I was not a cheat. Throwing the dregs of my tea onto the ground, I placed the mug next to the bottle of water and got back to knocking shit out of a pile of concrete.

* * * I looked at my watch and decided it was time I ate some lunch and my stomach agreed as it started growling. Picking up the now empty water bottle and tea mug, I made my way to the back of the house and pushed open the kitchen door. The room had become the focal point for all of us, where I, my guys, Amy, Claudia, and any contractors on site all went to for lunch or a tea break. It was rare Amy and I were in there at the same time, but I’d occasionally catch site of her disappearing back as I walked through the door. The kitchen was empty, but I wasn’t totally surprised seeing as I was late eating lunch, so I washed my mug and then went over to the huge fridge, opened it, and pulled out my sandwiches. I was just about to sit down and do some web surfing on my phone while I ate, when I heard shouting from somewhere in the house. Scraping back my chair, I went to the door which led into the huge hallway with its impressive staircase and listened. I could hear it again, someone shouting for help. Following the sound, I found myself in a vast space which I knew was going to be a family room, which led onto one of the terraces that Tino had asked for. “Hello,” I called. “Elijah, help me.” It was Amy’s voice and my skin went cold. “Amy, where the hell are you?” I asked, anxiously looking around the room, my eyes landing on a pair of upturned step ladders and a couple of crates. “I can’t hold on much longer.” I looked up and there was Amy, hanging on to a beam which ran the width of the apex of the vaulted ceiling. One of her shoes was hanging on by her big toe and her blouse had come untucked from her tight skirt, giving me a hint of skin. Amy squealed and as she dropped a few inches, I was dragged from staring at her gorgeous body as it swung in the air. “Okay, I’m coming. Hold on.” I ran over and bent to pick up the aluminium ladders, and realised they weren’t high enough and wondering how the hell had she got up there in the first place? Then it dawned on me that the stupid woman had made them higher by putting them on the crates. Thinking that she really needed to go on a health and safety course, I didn’t have a chance to think about positioning them onto the crates before I was clonked on the head by a red, stiletto heeled shoe. “Fuck,” I cried and looked upwards. Amy was now only hanging on by the tips of her fingers and was

dangerously close to falling. I looked at the ladder, looked at the crates, and then looked at her and knew that even if I got it in place, timing meant that she was still going to fall and would either land on them, hurting herself, or land on the floor and potentially kill herself. “Amy,” I cried jumping to my feet and placing myself directly beneath her. “Let go, I’m going to catch you.” “No chance,” she grunted. “Just put the ladder back up.” “No you’ll-.” I didn’t have time to tell her that she might fall on them and hurt herself, because she screamed and came hurtling towards me. With only seconds to determine where she might land, I moved slightly to the left and caught her with a rush of air from my lungs. My knees buckled slightly with the force of her landing, but taking a half step back with one foot, I managed to stay upright. “You okay?” I asked, my eyes scouring her face. “Oh shit, I thought I was going to die.” A hand went to her mouth as she looked up. I followed her gaze, at what I guessed was a twenty to twenty-five feet drop and swallowed hard. “Yeah, I think that was a distinct possibility,” I replied, my heart beating faster than was healthy. “Oh shit,” she repeated and burst into tears. “Hey,” I soothed, tightening my arms around her. “It’s okay. I’ve got you, ssh.” Her body started to tremble as the shock at what could have happened set in. With my own legs shaking at the realisation, I moved us over to the wall and I slid down it, Amy still held tightly in my arms. When my arse hit the floor, I leaned forward and without thinking kissed her forehead. “Amy, come on, you’re fine. You’re safe. I wasn’t going to let you fall.” “What if you hadn’t come in,” she hiccupped. “I might have died, or fucking paralysed myself. I’m so bloody stupid.” “What the hell were you doing up there anyway?” I looked around the huge room and couldn’t see anything else in there. It was still just a shell with bare walls, although they were at least painted now after the decorators had been in. “This end of the room’s going to be a play area, and I want to put an indoor swing up for the kids. I wanted to check the bolt size I’ll need.” “And you didn’t think to ask the builder, or even leave it to whoever is putting the swing up?” I let my head drop back against the wall as I looked at the drop once more. “I’ll be putting it up,” she grumbled, shifting in my arms.

“No you fucking won’t. You’ve already nearly killed yourself once, you’re not getting another go at it. I’ll get the correct length ladders and either I or one of the guys will do it for you.” Amy’s eyes narrowed as the temperature around us dropped considerably. “I can do it myself, thank you. I’ve been doing it for the last five years on my own.” “Oh and who’s fault is that?” If I thought the look she’d given me before was murderous, the one she gave me then was that of an assassin about to finish their kill. “Let me up,” she snapped, pushing against me. “I don’t want you touching me.” “Fine by me.” Feeling anger bubbling inside me at her sourness, I unceremoniously tipped her from my lap, watching as she scrambled to her feet. “And it was a pleasure saving your fucking life, don’t mention it.” “Thank you, I really appreciate it,” she spat back. “You’re so fucking ungrateful, it’s unbelievable,” I replied, standing up. “Well next time, give someone else a shout.” “There won’t be a next time. I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone.” Amy’s face was emotionless as she stared at me and I couldn’t help but feel pained. Where had the warm, fun, sweet, Amy gone? Had our break up really turned her into this hard-faced woman who did nothing but snipe and complain? Maybe it had, but I refused to blame myself for that – I had done nothing wrong. “You may not Amy, but be careful,” I said, exhaling. “Get some proper ladders and make sure someone is with you.” She gave me a very slight, sharp nod of her head and turned and hobbled to pick up her shoe, lifting a foot behind her to slip it on. I took that as my cue to leave and walked away with my heart still thudding in my chest, not sure if it was because of what may have happened, or because I’d had her in my arms once more, or because when I walked back into the kitchen, I noticed the vase with a bouquet of hand tied wild flowers on the table.

E LIJAH aged 19 “I can’t believe that you’re doing this,” Alex grumbled, as he heaved the bag of lanterns and candles out of the back of his car. “He’s doing it because he’s grown a vagina,” Luc added. “And you two are a pair of morons, so I think you should shut the fuck up.” I threw them both a glare that hopefully reinforced that I did indeed want them to shut the fuck up. It was Valentine’s Day and I wanted to do something special for Amy. She’d been working really hard at Uni’ and we’d not had much time together since Christmas, so I was going to change that, thanks to the old club house me and Sam, my brother, used to play in when we were about ten and twelve. I say club house, it was Dad’s old shed that he’d kept his gardening tools in before he had a garage built. “I also can’t believe you’re going to get her to spend the night in that shit hole.” Alex pointed at the shed. “She must fucking love you.” “She doesn’t know,” Luc said with a grin. “She probably thinks numb nuts is taking her to a swanky hotel.” I drew in a calming breath, pretty sure I’d be burying their bodies in my dad’s vegetable patch if they didn’t stop bitching like a pair of high school mean girls. “Amy knows I don’t have the money for a hotel, and yeah she does love me, so she’ll love this. Anyway, that’s what you two are here for, to help me clean the place up.” I opened up the creaking shed door and peered inside, suddenly wondering whether the boys were right. Maybe I should have asked my dad for a loan,

because the shed was indeed a shit hole. “When was the last time you actually set foot in there?” Alex asked, looking over my shoulder. “About three years ago,” I groaned. “And that was only to stash my dirty mags because my gran was having my room when she stayed after her hip operation.” “There’s dirty mags in there.” An excited Lucas pushed past us and almost tripped over his own feet in his desperation to get into the shed. “Where are they?” he called over his shoulder. “You’re not spending the next hour looking at spank mags,” I groaned. “You’re here to help clean up, not get cramp from wanking all afternoon.” “As if I’d wank in front of you two.” He gave us a disgusted look. “I seem to remember you winning a game of Hit the Biscuit when we were thirteen,” Alex offered with a laugh. “In front of five of us.” I looked at Lucas and then Alex. “You dirty fucker.” “Hey I wasn’t the one that had to eat the biscuit. There are definitely benefits of not being able to last long.” “Fucking hell, who had to eat the biscuit? Not you?” I asked Alex. “Piss off, I came third.” “Literally.” Alex nodded and smiled proudly. “Yeah. Mr Average, that’s me.” “We didn’t make Zak eat it, don’t worry,” Lucas offered, moving around the shed looking for the magazines. “You know though, I never understood that game. The one who comes last, comes last, yet when you start having sex it’s a good thing to take longer to come.” We all thought about it for a second and then nodded in agreement.

* * * “Elijah, this is beautiful,” Amy gasped as she followed the path of candles in lanterns that the boys and I had laid out earlier. “It’s so romantic. Thank you.” She swivelled around to face me, throwing her arms around my neck and kissing me. I wrapped her in a tight hug, pressing her as close to me as possible. As her soft lips moved with mine, I felt the blood heating in my veins, just as it always did when I was close to her. It didn’t matter if she was in my arms or a few feet away from me, my body, my senses, knew that she was mine. “It’s perfect,” Amy whispered. “There’s more,” I said, stroking my knuckle down her soft cheek. “I hope

you like it. It’s not much, but we haven’t had much time together recently and I wanted it to be just us tonight. No one else around, not my parents or brother, not yours and certainly not our friends. I just wish I could have taken you somewhere better, because you deserve the best Amy, you really do.” Amy drew in a breath and bit on her bottom lip and I knew she was trying not to cry. “What’s wrong?” I asked, cupping her face with both my hands. “What’s upset you?” “Nothing,” she replied, shaking her head. “It’s just you, you’re amazing and I love you.” I kissed her again and then slowly turned her around. “Follow the rest of the path.” With a little giggle that went straight to my dick, Amy continued along the path, rounding the old hawthorn hedge to where the shed stood out of sight of the rest of the garden. Amy gasped at the sight in front of her. The boys and I had cleaned it out and placed more lanterns around it. The glow of the flickering candles created silhouetted pictures of the apple trees against the wood, and somehow the decrepit old shed looked beautiful. “Go in,” I urged. Amy gave me a twinkling smile and moved forward, tentatively opening the door. When it was fully open, she stopped and gasped again. “Elijah.” She turned to look at me, her eyes wide. “I know it’s not much, but it’s ours just for tonight.” “It’s amazing,” Amy replied. “I love it.” She squealed and flung herself into my arms, allowing me to let out a sigh of relief. Our hard work had been worth it and I had to admit we’d done a great job. There were more lanterns casting a glow inside, I’d put an old lace curtain of my mum’s up at the window and had brought in our old camp bed, making it up with clean sheets and my duvet, with a clean cover on it. Mum had even given me her favourite vase to put the flowers in that I’d bought – not your generic roses, oh no, I’d insisted on a hand tied bouquet of wild flowers. They’d cost me a fortune, but Amy was worth every penny. “This is better than any hotel room,” she whispered in my ear. “I love it and I love you. Now close the door.” Her voice was so low and sexy, my dick jumped immediately to attention and I couldn’t slide the rusty old bolt on the door quick enough. When I turned back around, Amy was looking at me as though she was

going to rock my world for the whole night. Her eyes were bright and her gorgeous tits were heaving. I walked the short distance to her and took her mouth with mine, kissing her hard, one hand threaded through her hair, the other on her perfect arse, pushing her against my erection. Amy reached between us and rubbed her hand up and down my crotch, making my dick go up a gear of hardness. It pressed against my jeans and I was desperate to free it of the confines of the denim. Reading my mind, Amy flipped open the button and then agonisingly slow, pulled down the zip. I felt a small amount of relief, but it wasn’t enough. I needed her hands on me. I deepened our kiss, loving the feel of Amy’s body against mine, but when her small hand wrapped around my dick, I reared back. “We need to get naked, now,” I groaned, already whipping my jumper up over my head. Amy giggled and pulled off her own top, and I paused from my undressing to gaze at her perfect tits covered in red lace. “Shit,” I gasped, retaining enough semblance of mind to kick off my trainers. “You look fucking beautiful.” With a tilt of her head, she smiled and unfastened her skin-tight jeans, before slowly shimmying them down her legs. She bent to pull them off her legs and I almost came as her tits nearly fell out of the skimpy bra she was wearing. As she straightened up, my eyes looked down at the tiny piece of red lace that were supposed to be knickers. “Get naked Eli,” she whispered. “Please.” Swallowing hard and keeping my eyes on hers, I finished removing the rest of my clothes until I was buck naked in front of her, my rock-hard dick bobbing against my abs. “Get on the bed,” I told her, nodding to the camp bed behind her. Walking backwards, Amy reached out a hand for me and took me with her. As soon as her calves hit the bed, she let go of my hand and dropped down onto it, moving up until her back hit the shed wall. I stood at end of the bed and watched as she placed her feet flat on the duvet and parted her legs. The red lace only just covering her bare pussy underneath. I dropped onto the bed on my knees and crawled towards her until I was between her thighs and sitting back on my haunches, then ran a hand up her smooth leg. Our eyes never left each others’ as I linked my fingers with Amy’s and pulled her towards me and onto her knees. As her delicate hands clutched at my shoulders for support, my hand moved between her legs moving her thong to the side, before slipping my fingers inside her. We both moaned in unison as Amy arched her back, urging me for more. Not wanting to disappoint, I used my

thumb to circle her clit, eliciting a louder groan from my beautiful girlfriend. I pumped my fingers harder and circled her nub quicker, and when her head fell back onto her shoulders, cascading ribbons of cinnamon down her back, I felt her inner muscles starting to tighten. When I pulled out, Amy’s eyes were back on mine as she whispered a ‘no’, but I didn’t care, I needed her on my dick. Putting my hand behind her thighs, I silently urged her to straddle me. Hovering above me, I swept back her hair from her face and leaned forward to kiss her, and as her lips curved against mine, I pulled her down to meet my thrust. My eyes drank Amy in as she closed her own against the pleasure thrumming between us. She looked beautiful with her lips parted on a moan and her golden skin damp with perspiration. I was totally in awe of her. “Elijah,” she gasped as I filled her to the hilt. She felt amazing as I caught my rhythm, thrusting up into her as she clung to me, her arms tight around my neck, her lace covered tits rubbing against my chest and her forehead against mine – our gazes never wavering from each other. Slowly, inch by inch, I pulled out and thrust back in, over and over and with only the sound of our breathing and our quiet moans filling the silence, Amy started to tremble around me. The pull of her fingers grabbing my hair and twisting it tightly as sweat dripped down my back was the most delicious pain imaginable, and with my fingers biting into the roundness of her arse, the chase for our orgasms became more frantic. I jack-hammered in and out, my mouth finding hers as she screamed out my name. I felt my balls tighten, then I came with such power, a harsh yell left my lips. I arched my back and with one hand on her arse and one at the back of her head, pushed Amy against me; skin on skin wasn’t close enough, I needed more. As the waves of pleasure pulsing through my body started to fade, Amy slowly opened her eyes and gave me a contented, sleepy smile. “Wow.” “Yeah, wow,” I replied with a grin. “We should stay in this hotel more often.” “You think?” I asked, dropping a kiss to her shoulder. “Hmm. It’s amazing. Most definitely five star.” “Well that’s good to know. Anything the owners could do to improve it for you?” Amy laid her head on my shoulder and sighed. “Not that I can think of. Maybe some wine or chocolates, but other than that, I’m more than happy with the service.” “Well, funny you should say that.” With my finger under her chin, I urged her to lift her head. “Guess what’s in that cool box.”

She looked over at the blue cool box and smiled. “Wine and chocolates?” “Yep, well wine for you and bottles of beer for me.” “Thank you, and for the flowers. They’re the most beautiful bouquet I’ve ever seen.” “You really like them?” I asked. “You sure you wouldn’t have preferred roses?” She shook her head. “Nope. Wild flowers are far more beautiful and now they’ll always remind me of you.” With a tightening in my chest, I pulled her closer. “I’ll remember that, always wild flowers, no roses.” Kissing the corner of my mouth, she slowly lifted her hips and swivelled them in a figure of eight. “I think I’m ready for more sex now,” she whispered. “How about you?” As she lifted again, I felt myself go hard inside her. “Oh yeah,” I replied and pushed her to her back. “I’m ready.” This time with Amy beneath me, I made love to her slowly and whispered how much I loved her, vowing that I’d bring her wild flowers for the rest of my life.

A MY aged 28 “Claudia, where are the candlesticks for the dining room?” I looked again through the boxes lined up in the hallway, but I couldn’t see any candlesticks, even though I was sure I’d seen them earlier. “Third box from the end,” she replied without looking up from the inventory she was taking of the deliveries we’d had that day. I moved to the box and yep, there they were. “Sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me today.” “Probably your dice with death,” Claudia deadpanned. I didn’t respond but breathed in deeply. She was right, my almost fall the day before had shaken me, but I didn’t think it was the actual incident that had me discombobulated. In fact, I was pretty sure it was more to do with Elijah. The fact that he’d saved me, held me in his arms, and kissed my forehead kept playing through my head. I’d been too shaken up to think about it at the time, but once I was home and lying in a warm bath it hit me. Elijah had saved me, but more to the point, I’d felt something shift within in me when I was in his arms. Everything I’d gone through; finding him with Lauren, leaving and going to live in London, coming home and finding that we would be working together – it all seemed to fade away. I’d gone back five years and was in the warm, safe arms of my husband whom I adored. But, I’d had to go and spoil it all by being a bitch. I couldn’t help it though, it spewed from my mouth without a thought. Worse was I’d barely thanked him for possibly saving my life. “Ah fuck it,” I muttered, rubbing at my temple. “What’s wrong?” Claudia asked.

My head shot around, having totally forgotten she was there. “Oh, just a bit of a headache. I think I’ll go and take some tablets. You be okay for a while, if I grab some fresh air too?” Claudia nodded, grinning at me. “What?” “Would you be grabbing some fresh air on the south terrace by any chance?” “No.” I frowned, and placing my iPad on top of one of the boxes, strode toward the kitchen. “Why would I?” “Because Elijah is working out there.” I rolled my eyes. “Like I care.”

* * * Five minutes later and I was rounding the corner of the house, walking toward the south terrace, having told myself it was the quickest way to my car, because I needed to grab some swatches from the boot. It really was the best route, going via the north terrace meant traipsing through a load of mud, and to go through the front of the house meant I’d have to pass Claudia and she might ask me a question, and I was taking a short break until the throbbing in my head stopped. Okay, so it was more like a dull tap than a throb, but you couldn’t be too careful – I’d had a migraine once. The first sight to meet my eyes was one I’d seen many times before, and it wasn’t any less perfect after five years – Elijah without a top on. I pulled to a stop and let out a long, drawn out sigh. Strong, sculpted back muscles worked with power as his broad shoulders lifted the spade and pushed it into the mud and clay, and even from my vantage point, feet away from him, I could see the colourful patterns of his tattoos on his muscular arms - a beautiful moving picture. As if I was watching an exotic animal that I didn’t want to scare, I held my breath, my eyes pinned to the sight in front of me. I’d never really forgotten what a supreme specimen of a man Elijah was, but the memories had gotten a little fuzzy around the edges, so I stared hard, knowing these images would have to last me a long time. I know I hated what he’d done to us, loathed him for breaking my heart, but I was still a woman and I still recognised a sexy man when I saw one. When Elijah stopped digging, I took a step back, scared that he’d turn around and catch me watching him. One step was all I could take though, because I was trapped by his magnetism. My breath was pulled from my lungs when he

stooped down, picked up a bottle of water, unscrewed the top, took a long swig and then tipped the rest over his head, water washing over every hard contour of his body. “Shiiiitt,” I groaned, putting a hand to my stomach. I was watching my own personal Diet Coke ad and couldn’t move. I was rooted to the spot, not that I wanted to move anyway. I almost felt like grabbing a chair from the kitchen and sticking around for the duration. “Thought you might need this.” I swivelled around to see Claudia standing behind me, holding out a tea towel from the kitchen. I looked at it and then up to her, frowning. “What?” I whispered, glancing over my shoulder to check Elijah wasn’t looking. “Oh sorry,” she said, coming closer. “Doesn’t he know you’re watching?” “I…I’m not. I was just passing and wondered what he was doing. Anyway,” I snapped. “What’s the tea towel for.” “Oh this,” she replied, her brows arching and a grin appearing. “I thought you might need it.” “Why would I need it?” I asked with an agitated shrug. “Drool, or knickers, whichever needs mopping up the most.”

* * * It was official, I hated my assistant. She’d done nothing but smirk at me all afternoon. I’d even walked into the kitchen to be met with Genuwine’s, Pony blaring from her phone as she chatted to Elijah. When I stormed over and turned it off, stating I had a headache, Claudia commented that she thought I liked Magic Mike. Elijah then grinned at me and went back outside, leaving muddy footprints all over the kitchen floor. Of course I’d made Claudia clean it all up – payback was a bitch. However, having sent Claudia home for an early Friday evening finish, mainly because I was sick of her making the sound of the Bow Chica Wah Wah porno riff every five minutes, I was alone in the kitchen staring at the vase of wild flowers on the table. I should have been sorting through rug samples, but my eyes kept being dragged back to the foxgloves, daisies, and bluebells and corn buttercups. Whenever Elijah had bought me flowers, it had always been some version of the bouquet that I was staring at – it was his thing, and had been since he’d bought me flowers for the first time when we were teenagers. I loved them and the fact that he always tried to find new varieties each time, as long as their origins were wild. I’d missed having them and when I

saw the foxgloves in the florist’s window display, my feet moved of their own accord inside. I’d planned on taking them home, but when I saw the bouquet on the passenger seat of my car, I couldn’t stand the thought of looking at them every night - reliving all the memories of birthdays, anniversaries, and ‘just because I love you’ times. Stupidly, I hadn’t considered that I spent more time working than I did at home, so the pain at looking at them was even greater than it might have been. My heart hurt every time I saw the blues and yellows, or got a hint of their perfume, so I decided that the best place for them was the waste bin. I stood up and marched over to kitchen island where I’d put them, picked up the vase and then marched right over to the pull-out cupboard where the various household waste bins were. As I lifted my arm, ready to dump them, the door opened and in walked Elijah. “What are you doing?” he cried. I looked down at the flowers, the vase tipped at an angle so that the water was dripping down the side of the waste bin. “T-they are dead,” I stammered, making it sound more like a question. Elijah stormed over to me and grabbed the vase from my hand and pulled it to his chest. “They’re fine. They’re not dead. You can’t throw them away.” His voice was low and his breath shallow as he stared at me, a pained expression on his face. I sucked in my bottom lip and felt a huge ball of emotion growing in the pit of my stomach, blinking back tears as I watched him, clinging on to the vase. For a few seconds we stood staring at each other, both of us still as statues, the only movement coming from the dust mites reflected in the early evening sunshine as they flew around us. Finally, Elijah cleared his throat and turned. He looked at the table and all my samples covering it and then did a half turn and went to the kitchen island and placed the vase in the middle, with a loud slam of the glass against the thick granite top. “They’ll need fresh water tomorrow,” he said, his back to me. “I’ll take care of them.” As I watched him reposition the vase and dead-head some of the flowers, I could see his shoulders were hunched and his head dropped. He looked crestfallen, broken even, and I couldn’t bear to be a witness to it any longer. “Elijah leave them,” I said, going over him. “I’ll sort them.” “You’ll throw them,” he snapped, his back to me. “When if you just gave them some care and attention they’d last a lot longer.” “Maybe I should have done that with you,” I muttered, without thinking.

Making a growling noise from the back of his throat, he spun around to face me. “I didn’t need any more care and attention. I was perfectly happy, despite what shit you had going on in that head of yours.” As he stared me down, his eye twitched and his nostrils flared and I didn’t think I’d ever seen him looking so angry. He’d looked hurt and heart broken when he’d turned up at Rachel’s to talk to me when I was leaving, and mad when he tried to tell me he was innocent, but this was different – this was bone deep anger. Every pore on his body was steaming with it, his eyes were wide with it and his stance was stiff with it. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you,” he said, his tone quiet and measured. “I didn’t have sex, or even attempt to have sex, with Lauren fucking Proctor.” “Whatever you say Mr President.” I rolled my eyes and put a hand out to move the vase a half inch to the left. “Fuck you, Amy, I’ve tried to tell you, I begged you to listen to me five years ago, and I’ve barely moved on with my life thinking one day you might actually wake up and realise you’re wrong, which makes me fucking pathetic because if you’d cared about our marriage as much as I did, you’d have talked to me. No matter what you thought you’d seen, you’d have asked me and tried to work through it, but no, you didn’t give a shit and took everything at face value and that hurt as much as you fucking leaving. You didn’t love me enough to even talk. So, you know what Amy, that’s it. No more. You don’t believe me, will never believe me, and its time I started living the life I should have been for the last five years. And one more thing,” he said, curling his lip and giving me a look full of disdain. “Next time you fancy a show, go on a ladies’ night, because I’m not yours to watch anymore.” As Elijah turned to leave, I felt a stabbing pain in my breast bone and got the bitter, watery feeling of imminent vomit and placing a hand over my mouth, I watched as he walk slowly through the door, slamming it behind him. I startled as it banged and then when I heard his truck start, I allowed the tears to fall.

E LIJAH aged 28 As Mia moved over me, dropping kisses down my chest, I let out a moan. My dick was hard and every inch of my skin felt sensitive. “Mia,” I whispered. “Shit, babe.” “Is that nice?” she asked, giving me a little smirk. “Nice isn’t the word,” I gasped, arching my back. “Good. You seemed tense tonight, so I hope I’m helping you relax.” And boom! My hard on deflated like a fucking two week old balloon. She’d reminded me that before she’d turned up at my house, I’d been festering over my argument with Amy. Damn Amy and those fucking flowers and the fact that seeing her bin them made me feel like I’d swallowed a tennis ball and it’d got stuck right in the middle of my heart – it was her throwing our marriage away, all over again. The feelings one vase of flowers had evoked in me over the last couple of days was pathetic. I was pathetic. Since I’d seen them the day before, my head had been full of memories and I’d spent hours the night before looking at old photographs. Photographs of happier times when Amy had been mine and I’d been hers. As for how I’d reacted earlier, when she’d been about to ditch them, I wished I could redo that ten minutes of insanity, because no fucking way did I want her to see how much she was still hurting me, after all these years. “Hey, you okay?” Mia asked. “You’ve gone somewhere else.” She dropped a sweet kiss to the end of my nose and ran a cool palm down my cheek. I shook my head and tried to shift up the bed. “Sorry, babe. I’m knackered, it’s been a long day.” “You need a massage?” “No.” My voice was a little louder than I’d meant. “Sorry, no. I might just

get an early night.” I had no idea why I’d turned down a massage from my girlfriend – maybe because I’m a stupid prick and that used to be Amy’s thing. After a long day gardening, she’d straddle my back, and with her long fingers ease my tense, overworked muscles. It usually led to sex, because that was what Amy did to me whenever she put her hands onto me – made me needy as hell to be inside of her. “Oh, okay,” Mia said, looking a little dejected. “I’ll get off home.” The way her shoulders slumped and her eyes dropped to examine her fingers made me feel like shit. She was gorgeous and sweet and I had just treated her like she didn’t matter, when she did. She mattered to me a lot, I just needed to remember that a little more often. “Why don’t you stay over,” I suggested. A light came in her eyes. “You sure?” “Yeah of course,” I replied, running my fingers through her shoulder length hair. “Can’t say I’ll be much company, but as long as you don’t mind that I might fall asleep on you.” “No, of course not. We don’t have plans tomorrow, so maybe you can make up for it with a long lie in bed in the morning.” She giggled and poked at my bare chest. “Yeah,” I said, forcing what I hoped looked like a genuine smile. “You know it.” Mia kissed me gently and I tried hard to wipe my mind of anything else other than her lips, but cinnamon-red hair and hazel eyes kept invading my thoughts. As Mia settled against me, her head tucked under my chin, I looked up at the ceiling, willing the images to go away.

* * * Mia was in the shower while I made us a late breakfast. I’d been horny enough and relaxed enough to have sex with her when we woke, without a single thought of Amy. It was only after I’d slipped back into bed, after disposing of the condom, and Mia had distractedly traced the tattoo over my heart, that Amy reappeared as the invisible third person in the room. Waiting for the kettle to boil, I ran a hand down my face and groaned. What the fuck was I going to do? My ex-wife was pushing her way back inside my head and I’d been doing so damn well for the last few months. I’d met Mia, I was letting go of the pain and anger twisting my gut and could actually say her name without feeling as though I was having a heart attack. But two fucking

weeks of her being back in my life and I was back to being a damn basket case. Blowing out a breath, I was pulling a couple of mugs from the cupboard when I heard a knock at the door. I glanced at the clock on the cooker, wondering who would be visiting at eleven on a Saturday morning and realised there’d only be one person; my brother, Sam. “Morning,” he said brightly as I stood back to let him in. “You look like shit.” “Cheers,” I replied, glancing in the hall mirror. He had a point. Considering I’d had some good morning sex, my eyes were dull and my lips turned down. Plus, I was dressed a little bit like a serial killer who hid the bodies in the walls of his house – I was wearing pyjama bottoms, an old and faded The Jam t-shirt, which had been my dad’s, and a ratty old cardigan that I think my Grandad had left after a family get together once. Okay, it was weird that I wore the cast offs of my family members, particularly as my grandad was dead, but it was that kind of morning. “Does Nanna know you still have Grandad’s cardi’?” Sam asked, moving into the lounge. “No idea,” I replied, following him and shaking my head as he bounced down onto the sofa and propped his feet on the arm. “Get your fucking feet off my furniture.” I knocked them off and flopped down onto the chair opposite to him. “Mia’s here by the way.” I felt like shit that I needed to tell him, but Sam, like Lucas, thought Mia was not for me and I didn’t want her walking in on him bad mouthing her. My brother knew me better than anyone and thought it was his right to tell me how I hadn’t got over Amy. Not that he was particularly team Amy, he simply didn’t think I was being fair to Mia, or myself. “And you’re still dressed like that?” Putting his feet back on the sofa, he let out an empty laugh. “Hah, she must fucking love you.” I chose not to answer, because I knew if I did and admitted that yes, Mia did love me, I’d get the usual lecture from him, even if Mia was in the house. “So what’ve you been up to?” I asked. “Not much. Took Hannah Brown out last night.” “And?” I asked, wiggling my brows, knowing how long he’d been desperate to get her out on a date. Sam shrugged and reached for the TV remote from the floor. “Not what I expected.” “What, not as good? Shit Sam, that must be crap. You’ve had a hard on for her for years.” “That’s the breaks, bro,” he sighed, holding out the remote with one hand

and rubbing his breast bone with the other. “She’s a bit boring if I’m honest. Talked about her fucking dog, Baby, all night.” “Her dog’s called Baby?” “Yeah, weird right? Anyway, I don’t think I was what she was looking for either.” “How come?” I looked at him perplexed, my brother never had a problem getting women to fall in love with him. A lot of people actually took us for twins, we were so alike on first glance, but if you studied us carefully, you’d see Sam’s nose was slightly wider and at two years older than me, he’d always been taller and broader. I’d almost caught him up on the height, but he still had an inch on my six feet two inches. He was naturally broad and muscular, and with his olive skin, which he got from our mum’s Greek heritage, and dark hair and designer stubble, he was a prime target for most women. The fact that he owned a successful employment agency didn’t hurt matters either. This was why I was surprised that Hannah wasn’t already introducing him to her family. “She wants a man who is ready to settle down, and that’s not me,” Sam replied, flicking onto the sport channel. I rolled my eyes. Sam was adamant he was not settling down – ever. “You’ll need to one day,” I said. “No I won’t. You tell me one relationship that you know of that’s worked out.” His eyes remained on the TV. “Mum and Dad.” He turned to look at me and frowned. “Yeah because they have separate bedrooms and Mum’s always out supporting the latest lost cause. You know she’s gone on an anti-fracking demo this weekend?” “Yeah, I know. Anyway, it doesn’t matter why it works, it works.” “They may be the exception to the rule then,” he replied, tapping the remote against his thigh. “I mean look at you and Amy. Meant to be together, adored the fuck out of each other, and you shagged like damn rabbits almost every bloody day, and I know because I fucking heard you and you still split up.” Sam glanced at me and winced. “Sorry bro, but you know it’s true.” “We split up because Lauren fucking Proctor was obsessed with me and Amy didn’t care enough.” “She fucking cared,” he scoffed. “But you and I know Lauren Proctor had been getting into Amy’s head since you first met. I mean, you took her on a date before you took Amy.” “I didn’t, it was a group thing.” Sam waved the remote in the air. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter. What does

matter is that Amy had issues with Lauren and finding her naked, on top of you didn’t help matters.” I let out a sigh. “If you, my own brother, doesn’t fucking believe me, I never had any chance of getting Amy to, did I?” “I believe you,” Sam cried, his eyes narrowing on me. “I just think you were a fucking dick to get yourself into such a position when you knew how she felt about you.” “It was a party, we were all pissed.” “Maybe, but you were obviously more pissed than most and that my dear bro was a big fucking mistake. As soon as that demon woman walked through the door, you should have been on your guard and playing beer pong with Alex and Lucas, like you’re three fucking dickwad, American frat boys was not being on your guard. I also blame Amy, because she should have taken you home instead of putting you in Alex’s spare room. Plus,” he said with a resigned nod of his head, “she should have believed you.” “Well thanks for that at least.” I gave a short laugh as Sam turned back to the TV. “You’re a stupid prick at times, but you’re not a cheat, Eli. Anyway, where’s the lovely Mia now?” “Taking a shower.” “Washing you off herself I assume.” He turned to grin at me and wiggled his brows. “Can’t beat a bit of lazy morning sex.” I didn’t answer, but just smiled. He was right, you couldn’t, but while I’d enjoyed sex with Mia, there’d been something missing, but I had no damn idea what it was. “She stay over a lot?” Sam asked. “A couple of nights a week, usually at the weekend.” “You stay there?” “Not often, she’s got a flatmate who smells like farts because of the bloody awful vegetarian curries that she insists on eating for almost every meal.” “Maybe Mia should move in here.” He looked at me with a smirk that said everything about the shit stirring dick he was at times. “Yeah maybe,” I replied, calling his bluff to shut his antics down. “I think Mia moving in here would be a great idea.” “Oh my God, really?” Sam bolted upright and I gripped the arm of the chair, as Mia walked in, freshly showered and grinning from ear to ear. “Oh baby,” she cried. “That’s the best idea ever.”

A MY aged 20 “Do you like it?” Elijah asked expectantly. “I know it’s small, but the location is perfect - halfway between your uni’ and my college, and the rent is reasonable.” I looked around the apartment, with its huge arched windows overlooking fields and the canal, and grinned. “I love it,” I almost squealed. “But are you sure we can we afford it?” “With my gardening jobs and your shifts at the restaurant, we’ll be fine.” Elijah’s eyes were pleading with me. “We need this Amy. I fucking miss you so much and at least this way we get to spend every night together.” He was right, we’d barely seen each other when we first started our interior design and landscaping courses, but in our final year, work had ramped up and we were lucky if we spent a night together each week and because I worked in a restaurant, we usually only got to spend Saturday night together at the weekend. It was our busiest night for diners, but I was more than happy to give up the huge Saturday night tips to someone else so that I could have time with Elijah. “Plus,” he said, pulling on my hand. “Sam is going to take the second bedroom, so we’ll just split the rent three ways.” “He is?” Even though I loved Sam, I felt a little deflated that this wasn’t going to be mine and Elijah’s little oasis away from everyone else, but it made sense having him, someone, live with us. “He’ll hardly be here anyway. He works until eight most nights and weekends he’s always out.” It was true, Sam was putting in long hours at the employment agency where he’d worked for the last three years. He wanted to learn everything there was to learn, so that maybe one day he could buy it from Hazel, his boss. She was in her

late fifties and didn’t hide the fact that she was ready to retire and with no children to leave it to, Sam was the ideal person to takeover. I looked through to the kitchen which was separated from the lounge by the breakfast bar. It would be lovely to be able to cook for us both without having to check Mum didn’t need the kitchen, or worry that Dad and Matty were going to barge in in the middle of us eating and start talking to Elijah about football. “We get the bedroom with the en suite?” I asked. Elijah nodded enthusiastically – hopefully. “Okay,” I finally said. “Let’s do it.” The next thing I knew, I was being dragged into Elijah’s arms and lifted from my feet. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I leaned in and kissed him. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” I asked. “So fucking ready you wouldn’t believe.” With one hand on my bum and the other stroking my thigh, he carried me over to the breakfast bar and sat me on it, pulling me to the edge with my legs still tight around him. Lifting up my t-shirt, Elijah placed a warm hand on the small of my back, while his other cupped my cheek. “This is what I’ve wanted for so long, Amy,” he whispered, his chocolate coloured irises darkening to almost black as he stared at me intently. “To have a home with you. To know that when I get into bed every night, you’re going to be there.” I rolled my eyes and giggled. “Not just for the sex,” Elijah groaned, tickling my side. “Although, not having to be quiet or grab a quickie while no one is home will be pretty epic.” “Hmm,” I said, grinning. “It will have its plus points.” “There’ll be lots of plus points. I’m not saying we won’t argue over me leaving my shoes around, or you not getting rid of your used make-up wipes, because we probably will, in fact we’ll argue about loads of stuff, but we’ll be really happy too. I just know we will.” “You do?” I gave a contented sigh as I traced a finger down Elijah’s nose, feeling the little bump that’d he’d apparently had since the age of six, and then followed the outline of his lips which puckered and kissed my fingertip. “Yeah,” Elijah replied. “And I know because I can’t imagine being happy without you. Ever.” “Well, I doubt you’ll have to find out, as long as you want me, I’m all yours.” Breathing deeply, Elijah took my mouth with his and kissed me – telling me without words that I’d always belong to him. His tongue brushed against mine

and his hand against the small of my back pushed me closer to his warm, hard body. We kissed, desperately trying to convey all that we felt for each other, which was too overwhelming to express with words. It was everything. “This is it Amy,” Elijah whispered, as we slowly parted. “The beginning of our life together and it’s going to be amazing.”

A MY aged 28 Elijah and I had been doing the dance of avoidance over the last few days, and if we’d been on Strictly, I’m pretty sure we’d have got all tens. I only had to hear the deep growl of his voice to find myself something to do on the other side of the house. The thought of seeing him after what had been said was too painful to think about. It had also got me to thinking that maybe I had given up on our marriage far too easily. Maybe I should have talked to him before running home, packing a bag, and going to stay with Rachel for two weeks before I organised myself somewhere to live in London. Yeah, now I thought about it I’d been hasty and stupid, but I was in an emotional state and visions of Lauren riding Elijah were simply too much for me to cope with. Everyone told me to talk to him. Adam, Rachel’s now husband but boyfriend at the time, said that Elijah was so adamant that he was innocent that he had to be telling the truth, especially as I’d caught them. “He was absolutely paralytic with drink when you put him to bed,” Adam said. “It is possible he didn’t realise it was her.” I’d shook my head and swiped at the tears. “Well he should have, I’m his wife.” “You really think he was capable of even…you know.” He frowned at me and I wanted to smack him across the face. “You would believe him, he’s a man. You men stick together,” I snapped. “Hey,” Rachel soothed. “That’s not what Adam’s saying. He’s just wondering if Elijah was actually capable of having sex with anyone.” “Doesn’t matter, he was naked, she was naked and she was riding him like he was a stallion that she was breaking in and I won’t ever stop seeing that in my

head.” It was only a few days after that I went off to London. Elijah had bombarded me with calls and texts, as well as turning up at Rachel’s flat at all hours of the day, but I’d been stubborn and wouldn’t listen, deleting every text before I’d even read it. He didn’t stop when I got to London, with the calls and texts, but he couldn’t come around, because I’d sworn everyone to secrecy on where I’d gone. Finally, after three months, the day arrived when I didn’t get a call or a text and when I crawled into bed, I cried so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. I don’t know what I expected – that’d he find me using a Private Investigator, or force my family to tell him where I was so he could take me back home. All I knew was that day was as heart breaking as the day I’d found them together. I knew though, that hindsight was a wonderful thing and there was nothing I could do to change things. Elijah had told me in our last conversation he’d moved on, and I knew from the steely glaze in his eyes that he meant it. I was his past and there was no going back for us, and honestly, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to anyway. Too much time had gone by and I’d never truly trust him again, whether I believed his version of events or not. Actually, I had no clue what his version of events was as I’d never given him the respect of listening to it. All I’d ever heard were the words ‘I didn’t do it’, which based on the fact I caught Lauren on top of him, giving it everything she had, seemed to be a ridiculous statement. “You sure you don’t need me for anything?” Claudia asked, breaking me from my reverie. I looked up and saw she had her bag and a folder in her arms. “I’m going to get those light fittings,” she reminded me. “Oh God, yeah. Sorry, I was thinking about the baby’s room,” I lied. “No, I don’t need you and thanks for going.” The light fittings I’d ordered for the lounge and dining room had failed to arrive, the company I’d used telling me some crap about the van breaking down and not being able to get the lights to me for another week. After giving them the benefit of my advice on having a contingency in place, or at least having more than one van, I threw a tantrum and cancelled the order which meant Claudia now had to go directly to a distributor to get them. I realised it meant I was going to be paying a little more, but it was my tantrum so I had decided I’d take the hit on it and not pass the extra cost onto Tino and Sophie. “No problem, it’ll be nice to get out for a while. I feel like these are the only four walls I’ve seen for the last month. Although if you hadn’t had a little strop-.” “I still wouldn’t have the lights,” I interjected. “They’d still be a week away

and I want the lounge and dining room finished for when Sophie comes over on Wednesday.” Claudia rolled her eyes, but grinned. “Okay, I’ll see you in the morning. Unless you want me to bring them back here tonight.” “God no,” I said, waving her away. “You won’t get back until late. Just bring them with you tomorrow.” “Okay, will do.” We said our goodbyes and Claudia left me alone, looking at a huge six feet by three feet painting that I wanted to hang above the fireplace in the dining room. I’d already nailed the fixings to the wall, but the task of hauling the painting up there was going to be difficult on my own. I supposed I could wait for Claudia in the morning, but the more I could get done, the sooner I could start on the bedrooms that had all been decorated the week before. Looking through the window I saw Anthony, Elijah’s right-hand man, and wondered whether he would help me. He’d only just come on site for the day and didn’t look to be as mud splattered as Bob or Marty. I went over to the window and opened it up. “Hey, Anthony,” I called, gaining his attention. “Any chance you could help me to put up a picture? I’m struggling on my own.” He grinned at me and nodded. “Yeah sure. Give me a few minutes to check in with Eli and I’ll be right in. The dining room?” “Please.” “No problem.” Five minutes later, I was positioning some photograph frames along the top of the beautiful Italian, Rossetto sideboard, when I heard the door open behind me. Swinging around and expecting to see Anthony, I was shocked to find Elijah standing in his stocking feet and wiping his hands on a towel. “Oh, I thought Anthony was going to help me,” I blustered. “Yeah, he was, but I thought it was a good chance for us to clear the air. I don’t want to be twisted up with anger over this any longer, Amy.” “You don’t?” I asked, hating that I felt a little skip of hope. “Nope. We should at least be able to be civil with each other. We’ve both moved on.” The hope fizzled away and I was left with the feeling of despondency as Elijah hung the towel on the door handle and walked toward me. “Okay,” he said, giving me a smile. “Is that it?” He nodded at the stunning abstract in copper, bronze, and orange tones. “I want it over the fireplace, please.” Elijah looked at it carefully and then up at the wall where I’d planned for the

painting to go. “You’ve measured and level checked the fixings?” he asked. I was about to swear at him for doubting my ability, but saw the smirk on his lips. He knew how fixated I was on that sort of thing, how I measured and level checked at least three times before hanging anything. Even our calendar at home had always had to be hung just right. “Yes I have,” I replied, giving him wide eyes. “Unless you want to double check.” “Nope, I think you’ve probably already triple checked it, so we’re good to go.” He padded over to the painting and bent to lift one end. “Come on then, I can’t do it all on my own.” Elijah nodded at the other end which he wanted me to lift. “On three.” I nodded and waited for his command. “One, two, and lift. Fuck that’s heavy,” he groaned as we moved it against the wall, hooking the wire over the fixings. “I know, that’s why I needed help. It’s actually got pieces of bronze in it.” “Yeah?” Elijah stood back and studied the painting. “I like it. You choose it or Tino and Sophie.” I felt my face heat a little as I replied. “I did.” “You always did have good taste,” he replied, still looking at the picture. “Yeah, I really do like it. And it’s straight.” He turned to me and grinned. “Of course it is, I triple checked it remember.” “Oh yeah.” Elijah’s deep laugh reverberated through the room and I felt sure I could feel my heart vibrate from the sound. I’d always loved his real laugh. Not the polite one he often gave to customers or people he didn’t really know, but the deep belly laugh that boomed and filled everyone with joy at the sound of it. He was giving that laugh to me now, and it was making my heart rate speed up. “Got to say, Amy, it’s all looking amazing. This room especially, I love the bronze theme.” I looked at the huge, glossy, chocolate coloured table with its brushed bronze finish and the quilted, bronze leather effect legs and matching chairs, the gorgeous bronze sideboard and the crackle bronze and blue wallpaper that covered the wall opposite the arched windows, and I had to agree, it looked spectacular. “I just hope Tino and Sophie like it,” I said, readjusting a blue vase that sat next to the fireplace.

“Did they not agree to the design already? Is this not the original designer’s?” I shook my head. “No, he didn’t leave them with any pictures or mood boards, nothing except a few swatches of fabric they’d decided on. Plus, I told them I’d rather work with my own ideas.” “You didn’t have much time though, surely it’d have been easier,” Elijah said, peering at one of the framed photographs.” “I’d have been working from what they could remember, so I think doing it myself was a better option.” Elijah looked around the room again and then up to the ceiling. “What’s happened there?” My gaze followed his and I sighed, telling him the story of the light fittings. “So you’ve got to get the electrician back in?” he asked, arms folded across his chest as he continued looking up. “Unfortunately. I could do it, he’s done all the wiring and capped it off for now, but I’d rather get the expert back.” “Yeah, you don’t want to electrocute anyone – again.” I burst out laughing. “It wasn’t my fault,” I cried. “Oh come on Amy, you were the one who thought wrapping the bloody plug in Cellotape would be okay.” I giggled as I remembered the plug on my hairdryer, and how it had cracked when I’d dropped it against the tiled floor in our bathroom. I hadn’t had time to find a new plug and put it on, so had wrapped tape around it, hoping it would be okay, and it had been, for me anyway. “If you hadn’t felt the need to blow dry your hair,” I teased. “You wouldn’t have used it and so would never have been electrocuted.” “Hey, now there’s nothing wrong with a man blow drying his hair.” “Oh and that’s why you have yours so short now is it, because you love blow drying it?” Elijah grinned and ran a hand over his head. “Maybe. The point is, I almost died because you didn’t use electrical tape.” “It was the noise you made when it threw you back across the room. I thought you’d sneaked another woman into the flat or something.” I started to full on laugh, thinking about Elijah’s squeal when he’d turned on the hairdryer. It was loud and high pitched and I really did think there might be another woman in the bedroom with him. That thought then made me think of Lauren and I felt a momentary pain in my chest, but when I heard Elijah laughing again, I let it pass. “It was a shock – literally.”

“Well I’m sorry, but you’re still here to tell the tale, so it wasn’t that bad.” The laughter died on his lips, a small smile remaining and he nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.” He paused and looked back at the painting. “Anyway, I’d better get back to work.” “It’s starting to look good out there,” I said, turning my gaze to the window. “The terraces particularly.” Elijah had created a beautiful outdoor living space for the family, with lights inlaid in the Italian slate slabs and underneath the L-shaped, cushioned seating areas that he’d built on both terraces. Also, each one had a shaped border, the South full of palms, ferns, and hedging, while the North had a huge Japanese maple tree which had needed to be craned in. “Yeah, there’s a bit of a way to go with them yet, but they’re getting there.” He ducked his head and brushed his foot against the wooden floor, before looking back up at me. “Well, like I said, I’d better get back outside. You sure you don’t need anything else.” I shook my head and with a smile he left, and it took everything in me not to shout out ‘yes, I need you to hug me’, but I didn’t, because what was the point – we’d both moved on.

E LIJAH aged 28 “You ready or what?” Sam snapped, poking his head around my lounge door. “Okay, I’m coming, I’m coming.” I snagged my wallet and keys and followed him out into the hall. “What the hell’s got you in such a bad mood?” “I’m not in a bad mood. I just don’t want to be late.” Sam and I were both booked in for tattoos at Heaven & Ink in town and for some reason, Sam appeared to want to get there about an hour before our appointment. “Something has upset you,” I pushed. “You’re not nervous are you?” I nudged him with my elbow and he walked past me through the front door. “Why the fuck would I be nervous about having a tattoo?” I looked at him and grinned. He had as many as I did – every one we’d had done had been together and today we were both getting something done on our back or that had been the plan anyway, I now had other ideas. “I don’t know,” I replied. “Just trying to figure out what’s wrong.” “Like I said, nothing. Just pissed off with waiting for you.” His face pretty much told me to shut the fuck up, so I rolled my eyes instead, and got into his car. As soon as I did, I had an idea what might be upsetting him. The seat was almost pushed up to the dashboard and there was strong smell of perfume. It was obviously women trouble so I was most definitely keeping out of that. I had enough of my own. “You still getting the fox?” Sam asked as he drove us toward town, manoeuvring through the Saturday afternoon traffic “Yeah, but not on my shoulder blade.” Sam glanced at me, his brow lined with a frown. “I thought you were going

to start a nature theme.” “I am going to, but I’m not having the fox there.” “So, where?” he asked impatiently. I paused not feeling ready to say the words, but what would be the point of delaying it. “I’m going to see if Isaac can cover my heart tattoo.” “What?” “Sam, watch the fucking road,” I bellowed, as the car in front of us slammed on its brakes. Sam followed suite and then stared at me. “No way.” I nodded. “Yep, it’s time.” “Well fuck me.” “Yeah, well by the mood you’re in, it appears whoever you’ve had in this car didn’t. So shut up and concentrate on the road.”

* * * As we walked into Heaven & Ink I felt a peace come over me that I always did when I was about to be inked. The scratching pain of the needle didn’t bother me, it calmed me because I knew at the end of it I’d be getting something amazing that gave me confidence. Not that I was particularly lacking in it. I was decent enough looking, had a good body through manual work and jogging every day, but the pictures on my skin were all important and represented my life. They represented that I’d lived – I’d got through it, and that gave me confidence that I could achieve anything. Yeah, Heaven & Ink was my happy place. I’d even tried to get Amy to come and get inked once, but as soon as Jethro, the guying doing it, turned on the needle she passed out. She loved my tats though and while they’d increased a lot over the five years we’d been apart, I’d still had a fair few back then. “Hi guys,” Scarlett, the receptionist called, her ruby-red lips turning up into a huge smile. “Hey Scarlett,” Sam said, giving her his best flirty grin. He’d fancied her for ages, but she was well and truly loved up with Isaac, the guy who was doing my tattoo. It was Isaac’s step-dad, Dex, who officially owned the place, but he’d hung up his tattoo gun a while ago, and was now enjoying a quiet but chaotic life with his wife and kids. “Hi Scarlett,” I added. “How are you?” Scarlett grinned and placed a hand on her stomach. “I’m great thanks.”

I narrowed my eyes at where her hand was placed, but she just shrugged and looked over her shoulder. My gaze followed hers to see Isaac approaching. “Hi guys,” he said, holding out a hand. “Been a while.” “Yeah,” Sam replied. “Eli is always working and as we always agreed to have them done together, I’ve had to wait.” “Well I’m ready for you Eli. Scar, can you check if Topper is ready for Sam?” He leaned into his girlfriend and kissed her cheek. “You okay?” She nodded and stroked his cheek before picking up the reception phone. “So, we still going with the fox on the shoulder blade?” Isaac asked. “Yeah, but a slight change of plan.” Isaac furrowed his brow. “Can you cover up the heart on my chest?” Isaac blew out a breath and Sam chuckled. “Yep, that’s what I thought,” my brother said. “Are you sure?” Isaac asked, grabbing the back of his neck. “That’s an amazing tatt, Dex will be pissed you’re covering up some of his work.” I sighed, in total agreement with Isaac. Dex Michaels was a world-renowned tattoo artist and had his own very small group of customers when he opened up Heaven & Ink, preferring to let all the other guys do the inking. I’d been lucky enough to be one of that elite group after I’d won a competition he was running, to have a tattoo done by him. It was supposed to be a one off, but Dex and I hit it off and ended up going for a few beers and he kept me on as a client, until a couple of years ago when he handed everything over to Isaac, and Isaac it had to be said, was almost as good as his step-father. “Yeah I know,” I replied. “But I guess it’s time I moved on.” The lump in my throat was huge, as I thought about what I was going to do. I knew it was time, but it was my tribute to the woman who would always be in my soul. It didn’t matter that we weren’t together any more, we had been everything to each other for all the formative years of our lives. But for one drunken night, we’d still be together, I knew it in my bones. The problem was, time had moved on and now I also had to. Isaac nodded. “Okay, whatever you want, but it’s a fucking beautiful tattoo.” “I agree,” Sam added. “I think he should keep it.” “Well, I’ve made my mind up, so let’s go.” Isaac gave me a sad smile and then led the way to his studio.

* * * As I came out of Isaac’s studio and approached the reception desk, I blew out a

breath of relief. I’d made a decision and that was final. It didn’t make it any easier and like an idiot I’d almost broken down while I’d been in the chair. Poor Isaac wasn’t sure what to do or say, except pat me on the back and mutter some comforting platitudes. “All done?” Scarlett asked, tapping away on her computer. “Isaac’s just putting your bill on.” “No problem.” I looked toward the studios and saw Sam approaching. I gave him a chin lift. “How’d it go?” he asked. “Yeah all good.” I looked down at my wallet, opening it up to get out my card. “He manage it okay?” I nodded and Sam patted my shoulder blade, making me take a half step forward. “Must have been hard. You sure you made the right decision?” “Yeah. How did yours go?” I asked as I handed Scarlett my card. He’d been getting a St Christopher on his back. “Yep, all done.” He flashed me a picture on his mobile and I nodded in appreciation. “Fancy a late lunch when we’re paid up?” Sam slapped my shoulder again and I couldn’t help but flinch, drawing in air between my teeth. “What’s wrong?” Sam asked, his face an expression of concern. “Nothing. You’re just a heavy-handed fucker.” I moved another step away from him, punching my number in on the card machine offered to me by Scarlett. “Me doing that…” he said, slapping my back again, “hurt?” “Sam,” I snapped. “Be fucking careful.” My stupid dick of a brother started to laugh. “Why do I need to be careful when you got the heart covered up and didn’t get the fox on your shoulder blade?” I looked at him and could see a stupid smirk on his face. He fucking knew and was playing with me. “You sussed me out, okay. You can stop being a dick now.” “Oh dear,” he replied, shaking his head slowly. “Oh dear.” “What the hell does that mean?” “It means, why the hell lie to me and pretend you’ve had the damn thing covered?” I looked down at the floor, scuffing my feet on the tiled floor. What did I say to him? Why had I lied? I had no clue if I was being honest.

“Here’s your card back, Elijah,” Scarlett said. I caught view of it in my periphery and turned to her. “Thanks, Scarlett.” I took the card and turned back to Sam, who reached around me to pass his to her. “Well?” “I don’t know why I lied,” I said, blowing out a breath. “Maybe I thought you’d take the piss out of me.” “Why would I do that?” “Because I’m a fucking idiot who still has a tattoo over his heart for his exwife.” I glanced at the desk to see Scarlett was still busy with Sam’s card. “I just couldn’t do it, Sam.” “Because it’s a great tattoo?” he offered, with a knowing grin. I shook my head and scrubbed a hand down my face. “No, because I can’t move on. I don’t want to move on – not just yet. I just need a little more time.” My voice was quiet and Sam had to strain to hear me, but I knew he didn’t have to hear the words to know what my reason had been. My brother knew me better than anyone. “How much time do you need, Eli?” he asked softly. “It’s been five years.” “I know.” I knew exactly how long it had been, five years and one hundred and fiftyfive days to be exact, and every one of those days had started with a heaviness in my chest. “If you can’t move on, what do you do about Mia?” “I love Mia.” I frowned at him. He knew I loved her. “But do you love her enough, Eli? Do you love her like you loved, or maybe still do love, Amy?” That I couldn’t answer. Not because I didn’t know, but because giving him the truth would mean admitting it to myself.

A MY aged 28 As the weather was warm and there was a smell of paint inside, I opened up all the windows to let some fresh air in. I believed in natural smells, preferring fresh flowers and baking bread to the smelly candles and reed diffusers that a lot of people used. But, as there was no bread baking and the wild flowers I’d bought previously had almost broken my heart with the memories they’d evoked, I figured some clean air was the best option. “What time is Sophie coming over?” Claudia asked, standing back and looking at the yellow and white bunting that she’d just hung in the baby’s room. “About four. She’s picking Lorenzo up from school and then dropping him and Angelica with her sister.” “She obviously doesn’t want them hurtling around here.” “No and apparently Tino is playing an away game tonight, with her sister’s husband.” “He’s a footballer too?” Claudia grinned. “Could be some more business there.” “Maybe,” I replied, straightening the patchwork quilt in the cot. “He’s got a couple of restaurants too. You know Joe Bennett.” “Oh yeah. England captain. His wife got kidnapped by her ex didn’t she?” “Yes a few years ago now. She’s got a good life now though, married to England’s golden boy, with a four-year-old daughter.” I didn’t mean to sound like a miserable old bitch but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know Joe Bennett or his wife, but I just knew they’d be blissfully happy with a gorgeous child and an equally gorgeous house – probably had a cute dog too. “You could ask him out for a drink you know.”

My eyes shot to Claudia who was nonchalantly adjusting a teddy bear on the nursing chair that I’d positioned by the window. “What?” I snapped. “You could always ask Elijah out for a drink,” she repeated, finally lifting her gaze to mine. “And why would I do that?” I cleared my throat and shoved my hands into my trouser pockets to hide the slight shake. Her words had unsettled me, that along with the thought that I was totally jealous of a couple I’d never even met, just because they were exactly that – a couple. “Because you look at him as though you wish you could turn back time.” “I do not and there’d be no point anyway, he’s moved on. We both have.” Claudia blinked slowly and then nodded. “Okay. Oh and by the way, I’ve decided to go on a date with Bob.” I glared at her. “You’re not funny, Claudia, try and remember that.” She started to chuckle to herself. “Me going on a date with that hairy arsed idiot is about as believable as you and Elijah moving on, i.e. it’s not.” “You know nothing about it. You weren’t around, so just keep out of it.” I picked up some discarded boxes from the floor and stamped past her. “When you’ve finished in here, make sure that Angelica’s room is ready too. The lamp I got is in those boxes on the landing.” “Right,” she sighed. “But Amy, I’m only saying what I see.” “Yeah, well don’t.” As I walked away, my heart pounded in my ears as the truth of her words hit home.

* * * “What the hell is that smell?” I cried, walking into the lounge to do a final check before Sophie arrived. Claudia trailed in after me and groaned. “Shit, it’s smoke. Is something on fire?” She rushed over to a lamp standing in a corner, stooping down to look at the plug. My eyes wandered to the window. Only a few feet from the open patio doors, a fire was burning on the area that was soon to have grass laid on it. Elijah was throwing wood and branches onto it, causing thick, black smoke to billow up, with the wind blowing it in the direction of the house. “Elijah!”

As I shouted his head turned to me and watched as I stormed towards him. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his hand paused in throwing on another branch. “You. You’re what’s wrong. The house stinks of damn smoke and Sophie is due here in about half an hour.” Elijah looked to the house and then back at the fire. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think.” “No, you didn’t.” I gripped at my hair and looked up to the pale blue sky. “The bloody doors and windows are all open, Elijah, surely you must have seen.” “I didn’t. I’m sorry.” He threw the branch onto the floor. “I’ll come and help you close them all.” I heard a window slam shut and we both looked to the house to see Claudia’s arm reaching out and pulling another one closed. “Forget it,” I snapped, turning back to him. “We’ll do it ourselves.” I swivelled on my heels and marched back inside, slamming the doors behind me. I then went into the family room and began closing all the windows in there. The smell in there wasn’t as bad, seeing as it was around the corner from the fire; but the stench of smoke was still there. When I went into the hall, to go and do the same in dining room I heard the noise of an aerosol and the smell of manufactured lavender reached my nostrils. “What the…” As I strode into the hall, I came face to face with Elijah, liberally spraying a can of air freshener around. It caught at the back of my throat it was so pungent. “Shit, Elijah, stop.” He turned to me and grinned. “I had it in the truck,” he replied, looking more than pleased with himself. “Why the hell would you have a can of air freshener in the truck?” I asked, taking it from him and shoving it behind my back. “Especially one that stinks that bad.” “It’s lavender,” he stated, his brow furrowing. “As a gardener, I would expect you’d know what lavender smells like and it most definitely isn’t that. And why do you have it?” “We get sweaty and that cab is small,” he explained. “It’s not that bad.” “Really?” I arched my eyebrows, inviting him to reassess his sense of smell. After sniffing the air, Elijah’s shoulders sagged. “It is a bit rank.” “You’re not kidding.” I shook my head. “It’s worse than the bloody smoke.” “I’m sorry, Amy. I just thought it would help.” I closed my eyes and counted to ten. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll think of something. Hopefully, the smell will fade.”

Elijah scratched his head. “Can you put Sophie off for a half an hour?” I looked at my watch and shrugged. “I’m going to have to try. I don’t want her smelling this. I know she’ll understand but I just wanted everything to be perfect.” “Go and try,” he said. “I can’t put the fire out, but at least there’s no more smell coming inside.” I nodded. “Okay.”

* * * I’d managed to put Sophie off by another hour, telling her that something had come up that I had to deal with, and thank goodness she was fine with it. I’d nipped out to buy to reed diffusers and just hoped that they’d do the trick, but when I’d left the smell of smoke still hung heavy in the air. As I pushed open the door expecting to smell burning wood, the most unbelievable aroma of baking bread hit me. It was gorgeous. “Claudia,” I called, walking towards the kitchen. “Have you been baking?” I opened the door and saw Elijah pulling a tray of bread buns out of the oven. “Elijah?” He turned and smiled. “Hey, I made a visit to the bakery and bought these and warmed them up. I thought it might help.” “It does,” I gasped. “Thank you, but you didn’t need to.” “I did. It’s my fault the place stinks like bonfire night. I also got some flowers for the other rooms. Claudia is putting the last of them in the bedrooms.” Elijah’s eyes searched my face and as I smiled, they momentarily lit up. His dark brown pools, twinkling like they always used to. He let out a long breath and nodded down at the tray of bread. “I’d better put these down before I drop them.” “Oh god, yes, sorry.” He turned and placed the tray on a towel that he’d placed on the granite work surface. My heart slammed in my chest as I watched him place the tray down and throw the oven gloves to one side. It evoked memories of when he’d cook for me after a long day, and I couldn’t help but wish for things that I’d once had. I shook my head, trying to eradicate the pictures; it was too painful. “I didn’t want to risk burning it,” he explained about the towel. “I think I’ve caused you enough trouble today.” I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t due to the lump in my throat. Coughing to clear it, I put the bag of reed diffusers down.

“I’ll go and see how Claudia is getting on,” I managed to say. Elijah turned giving me an honest, bright smile and then went back to plating up the bread buns. Needing a few minutes to compose myself, I headed for the lounge. The smell had been his fault, but I’d never have expected him to go to any trouble to resolve it, but why hadn’t I expected it? That was what Elijah was like. He was thoughtful and kind and would do anything to help people. He was a good man who always admitted when he was in the wrong – that was except the one time when it had killed our marriage. Maybe if he had, I might have thought about forgiving him; but how could he admit he was wrong when I wouldn’t even listen to him. I wanted to scream at the injustice of it; the last five years of pain could easily never have happened if only I’d listened. But would I truly forgive him? It was Lauren Proctor after all and he knew how much she pecked at my head and my confidence. Pushing open the lounge door, I swiped at the tears that were welling in my eyes, but when I saw the huge bouquet of wild flowers in a vase on the fireplace, I let them fall and clutched my shirt over the aching pain in my chest.

E LIJAH aged 28 I remember years ago my dad giving up smoking and telling me that the hardest part wasn’t the initial stopping, it was months later when he’d smell a cigarette and get a sudden yearning for one. The aroma of the tobacco was enticing, and even though he knew how bad they were for him and that one puff could get him hooked again, his fingers still twitched and his heart beat faster at the thought. Well, that was how I felt about Amy. My fingers needed to touch her and my heart beat faster whenever she walked into a room, but she was bad for me, because she had the ability to break my fucking heart again. In fact, what the hell was I saying, it had never healed and it was becoming more apparent every day that I didn’t love Mia as I should do. I definitely loved her, but if I’d loved her the right way, I wouldn’t be craving my ex-wife and it was driving me insane that all my waking thoughts were starting to be about her. Since the day I knew she was watching me digging, I couldn’t get her out of my head. Just the thought of her eyes on me gave me a semi hard dick, because I knew what she was capable of in bed. As if I’d conjured her up, I heard Amy’s heels clicking on the tiled floor behind me. Turning away from the window I was gazing through, I watched as she walked toward me, concentrating on her mobile. “Morning,” I said, my eyes lingering on her curves in the sexy red dress that she was wearing. “Oh my god,” Amy gasped, putting a hand to her chest. “I didn’t realise you were in here.” A pink blush touched her cheeks as she looked at me and she looked beautiful. Her lips were slightly parted on a gasp, and a strand of hair had

escaped her low ponytail and was brushing against her cheek. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” “It’s fine, I was concentrating on my phone.” “Must be interesting.” Amy smiled and I felt a thud against my breastbone and my stomach lurch at the sudden yearning I had for her. I wanted her so badly, my skin was itching with need. “Matty,” she said, holding up her phone. “He’s just sent me a picture of the ultrasound of his baby.” “I’d heard that he was going to be a dad. That’s…well it’s great news.” “Yes, it is. They’re both really excited. We all are.” She bit on her bottom lip as we both stared at each other, unspoken memories passing between us. “So when’s it due?” I asked, leaning back against the sink. “Not for another four months. They’ve been for the scan to tell them the sex.” “Really?” I said, genuinely interested. “So what are they having?” Amy pouted and rolled her eyes. “They’re not going to tell us. We have to wait, which is really annoying because I wanted to go and buy them some clothes and toys this weekend.” “You still could,” I offered. “Buy stuff that could be for either.” “I know,” she sighed, glancing down at her phone again, “but I really wanted to buy the right colour.” “They got any names?” I asked, knowing that was the sort of thing you generally asked when someone was having a baby. “They won’t tell us that either,” she cried. “Honestly, they’re such bloody spoilsports.” “Matty always did keep his cards close to his chest,” I replied, with a quiet laugh. “Remember his first girlfriend. No one knew about her until her dad called around to tell your mum and dad that he’d caught Matty sneaking into her bedroom one night.” “God yes,” Amy gasped. “He was only fifteen.” She was silent for a moment and then started to laugh. “I suppose we should’ve realised he’d end up getting someone pregnant, randy little bugger.” I nodded and took the half dozen steps toward her. “Can I look?” I asked, holding my hand out for her phone. Amy started to pass it to me and then paused momentarily, before finally handing it over. I looked down at the grainy black and white picture and stared in

awe at the baby on the screen. “Is it sucking its thumb?” “What? Let me see.” I turned the phone to Amy and she moved in closer, her head brushing against my shoulder as she did. As she peered down at the screen, I inhaled; her scent still familiar, still driving me crazy with need. “Oh yes,” she cried. “It is. Wow that’s amazing, isn’t it?” Evidently forgetting herself, Amy grabbed my forearm and grinned up at me. “It’s really cool,” I replied, trying to sound as excited as Amy was. “It is.” Her voice was wistful and as she continued to stare down at the screen, I watched her, trying hard not to take her ponytail in my hand, because just like my dad had described, my fingers were twitching to do so. I wanted to run my fingers through it, separating the strands like I used to. As we both looked down at the picture, the pain in my chest started again and I felt my throat tighten with the emotion of the moment. “I’d better get going,” I eventually said around a swallow. “Here you go and give Matty and his girlfriend my best.” Amy blinked her long lashes as she looked up at me while taking her phone from my hand. “I will,” she whispered. I gave her a smile and turned to leave, not trusting myself to not say something I might regret. As I reached the back door, Amy called out to me. “Yeah,” I said, half turning back to her. “It wasn’t anybody’s fault.” I nodded, gave her a small smile, then left because it was all I could manage to do.

A MY aged 21 Elijah had been acting strange all week and I was feeling worried about it. He’d been quiet, kept taking phone calls in the bedroom and had taken a day off sick from work, something he never did, especially as his boss at the garden centre was hateful and docked his pay even if he was a minute late, never mind that Elijah stayed late most nights. Feeling a sickly trepidation in my stomach, I tried to ask him if anything was wrong, but he’d told me I was imagining things. “Do you think he’s seeing someone else?” I asked Rachel, my best friend. She huffed down the line. “Get a grip, Amy. Elijah wouldn’t do that to you. He bloody worships the ground you walk on.” “I know it seems that way, but what if-.” “No!” she snapped. “There is no what if. He’s probably pissed off with work, that’s all. Didn’t you say his boss is a twat?” “Yeah, I did.” “Well that will be it,” she sighed. “Now, tell me how your assignment went.” We continued talking for another few minutes, and by the end of it I was feeling better about things. Until I got a text from Elijah saying that he wasn’t going to be able to make dinner with his parents and I should go along without him. He didn’t even answer me when I called him back to bemoan the fact that I didn’t want to go alone. I liked his parents, but we didn’t have much of a relationship. I barely saw his mum as she was always away fighting some cause, and while his dad was lovely, we had very little in common. He loved gardening, which was where Elijah had gained his interest from, and rarely talked about much else. Hence, it was with a sulky pout that I made my way over to the Coopers’

house, moaning and groaning to myself because even Sam had bailed on me, apparently he had work to do. When I got there, the house appeared to be in darkness, except for the table lamp that they kept on in the porch and propped up against it was a note. Amy – we’re in the garden, come around the back, Yvetta x It was bloody dark, so what the hell were they doing in the garden? Still grumbling under my breath, I went around to the side of the house and opened up the gate and walked through. I couldn’t hear anyone in the darkness, but the lights that lit the path down to the bottom of their garden were all on. Figuring that was probably where they were, I walked down quietly calling out. “Yvetta, James, are you down here?” Nobody answered, so I continued walking. As I reached the midpoint of the large garden, I heard a noise. It sounded like someone coughing and it was coming from the direction of the old shed. Wondering what on earth they were doing there, I strayed from the path and padded across the grass until I reached the hawthorn hedge. I stopped abruptly, as I saw a large glass jar with a candle flickering away inside it. I grinned, remembering a night a few years before when Elijah had turned the shed into a love nest for us for the night. Then a thought panicked me – what if his mum and dad were having sex in there too? Surely they wouldn’t have told me to meet them down here if they were. The thought was too gross to contemplate, so I was almost about to turn back when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to see a text from Elijah. Elijah: Keep walking x Frowning, I looked up from the screen, looked at the path, at the jar, and then back to my phone. It buzzed again. Elijah: I’m waiting at the best five star hotel you’ve ever stayed in x It took a moment, but then it dawned on me. I needed to carry on to the shed. A huge grin enveloped my face as I took another couple of steps forward and saw another lantern and candle, in fact there were a few of them, creating a pathway to the shed which had seen one of the best nights of my life. I walked a few more

steps and then as I approached the shed, the door opened to cast light over Elijah standing in the doorway. He was wearing a pair of grey trousers, black shoes, and a black shirt with the collar open and the sleeves rolled back. His hair was combed and he was wearing the hugest smile I’d ever seen on his handsome face. “Hey,” he whispered, as I got close enough to hear him. “You made it then.” I nodded and put my hand in his which he was holding out to me. “I thought I was going to catch your mum and dad doing something that might scar me for life,” I said with a giggle. “Why on earth would you think that?” he laughed, pulling me closer. I shrugged. “Because she left me a note to meet them in the garden and when I saw the candles, I thought maybe I’d stumbled on a romantic tryst.” “Well you kind of have, but it’s for me and you.” Elijah’s voice broke a little and he suddenly looked wary, wiping a hand across his chest. “Is this why you’ve seemed odd for the last few weeks?” I asked, cupping his cheek. He blew out a breath and nodded. “Yep, kind of.” “Aww, babe. That’s so lovely.” I leaned in and kissed him. “Thank you, oh and by the way, you look bloody hot as hell.” Elijah gave me a tight smile and without saying anything pulled me into the shed. Once inside I gasped, it looked exactly as it had the night we’d stayed in there – the flowers and all the candles and fairy lights were exactly as they had been, even the lace curtain at the window looked familiar. The only difference was there was no bed. “Eli, it looks just like that night.” “I hoped you’d remember, because I do, every single part of it.” I thought about how we’d lain awake most of the night, talking, laughing, and having sex until finally, as light started to seep through the window, we’d drifted off to sleep. “It was perfect,” I sighed. I looked over at the wild flowers and smiled. “Are they the same ones?” I asked. “Pretty much.” Elijah had bought me lots of wild flowers since that night, but while they were gorgeous, none had ever been as beautiful as that first bouquet. This one was pretty close though. “It’s all amazing,” I replied, feeling a huge swell of love in my heart for him. “There’s a reason I’ve done this,” Elijah said, taking a deep breath. “This

place for all it’s a grotty little shed, holds some of my happiest memories with you, and I wanted my happiest memory to be here too.” “You do?” I asked, frowning, wondering what he had planned, particularly as there was no bed in here this time. Elijah nodded and put a hand into his pocket while still keeping a tight hold of mine with his other one. I watched him carefully and when he produced a small, square, purple, velvet box, I thought I was going to have a heart attack, the thudding in my chest increasing with every second that I stared at the box. When he held it up in front of me, I felt my legs go to jelly. When he let go of my hand and opened the box to reveal a gorgeous, square cut diamond, I felt the breath whoosh from my lungs. “I love you, Amy,” he whispered, taking the ring from the box. “I think I loved you from the minute I saw you playing with that gorgeous hair of yours outside class. I know I’ve loved you since the day you bought me a new pair of gloves for our one month anniversary because mine had a hole in them and you were worried my hands were getting cold riding my bike to school. I also know that I was blind to every other female on this planet from our first date, where we had greasy pizza and I picked you up in Sam’s car and you never once complained about the smell of his musty swimming gear that’d he left on the back seat for days.” Elijah put the box back in his pocket and held the ring between his thumb and forefinger, and as I watched him and saw his utter love and devotion for me in his eyes, I struggled to hold back the tears. “Will you marry me?” he asked softly, his hand shaking as he took mine. There was no doubt in my mind about my answer. Elijah was everything to me. “I love you, Elijah,” I whispered. “And just so you know, I think I loved you from the minute you asked me out in class and weren’t embarrassed. I know I’ve loved you since I rang you crying just a day after our three week anniversary and told you, Hammy our hamster had died and you called at our house on the way to football with a cuddly hamster and a big bar of chocolate to cheer me up, and I have most definitely been blind to every male on this planet from the day you walked into class with your hair all sexily messed up and wearing that white tshirt that showed off how bloody hot your body was even then, and when I smiled at you, you said ‘hi there gorgeous’.” Elijah groaned. “What a knob.” “No you weren’t,” I protested, linking our fingers together. “You were and still are perfect.” “So is that a yes?” he asked.

I nodded vigorously and with a tear soaked grin, stuck out my hand and held my breath as Elijah slipped the ring onto my finger. Once he had, I had mere moments to admire it before he dragged me against his chest and kissed me. It was a kiss that I’d always remember, because it was hot and sexy, but it was sweet and shy all at the same time. I wanted it to go on forever, I wanted us to stay in that shed, alone, forever, but no sooner had our breathing started to get heavy, the door burst open and both our families were there shouting their congratulations. At the back stood Alex, Lucas, Rachel, and Adam all grinning like idiots as Elijah and I got lost amidst the hugs and kisses. It was the perfect proposal, from the most perfect man for me.

A MY aged 28 I’d pretty much finished at the house. After weeks of hard work, the only thing I had left to do was dress the family room, and the thought of not seeing Elijah every day was filling me with sadness. We’d started to chat over lunch of my final week, and he’d even brought in my favourite caramel latte for me one morning when he’d arrived later than everyone else. When we sat down to talk it was always light and nonconfrontational, with no mention of our marriage or Lauren. Both were subjects that we silently agreed to avoid. The gardens were looking good too, and although Elijah and his team still had another few weeks left to complete everything, we’d all agreed that we should go out for a drink to celebrate the end of the project. Which was why I was standing in Ziggy’s, a local club, with Rachel, trying to quell the nerves rolling around in my stomach. “Will you stop,” Rachel grumbled, with a smile. “You’re making me nervous.” I chewed on my bottom lip, thankful for the long-lasting red lipstick I was wearing. “I don’t know why I feel like this,” I replied. “He’s made it quite clear he’s moved on. I’ve been nothing short of a bitch to him up until a couple of weeks ago and it’s just a group night out.” “Exactly.” Rachel placed a hand over my drumming fingers. “Take a deep breath and don’t expect anything. If something is meant to happen it will.” “But I don’t even know if I forgive him, Rach, so why the hell am I feeling like this?” Rachel sighed. “Because you never stopped loving him, despite what he

might have done.” I looked at her warily. “You never thought he’d slept with her, did you?” “I don’t know, Amy,” she responded with a shrug. “It just wasn’t like him. He adored you and we all saw how pissed he was, do you really think he’d have been capable?” I’d thought about that millions of times over the past five years, and while initially I’d been positive he had, now with a clearer mind, I wasn’t so sure. I’d seen him many times when he was drunk, hell I’d slept next to him, and sex was the last thing he was capable of. Yes, he’d give it a good go, but generally he’d collapse in a snoring stupor before he’d even got my bra off. “You were in a really emotional place that night, so it’s no wonder your view was clouded.” I held my breath thinking about it and the head space that I’d been in and the pain was so acute, I could have been back there, in that room, seeing them. I looked down at my drink, swirling the straw around it, wondering whether I should go home, move on to my next job, and try and forget Elijah again. Before I had chance to suggest it to Rachel, she poked my side. “Got to say, Amy, he’s looking good.” My head shot up and I looked in the same direction as Rachel. Elijah was walking toward us with Sam at his side and Marty, Bob, and Anthony following behind, and my breath was taken away. He looked sexier than I’d ever seen any man look. He wore a deep red Pretty Green polo shirt, dark jeans that fit him perfectly and best of all, all his amazing tattoos were on show. He gave me a dazzling smile as he sauntered to our table and it took everything in me not to run and wrap myself around him, just like I used to. “Hey,” I said and then looked at Sam. “Hi, Sam.” Sam nodded and looked over my shoulder to Rachel. “Rach.” “Hi Sam,” she replied, clearing her throat, obviously sensing my discomfort that Sam had barely acknowledged me. “You need another drink?” Elijah asked, half-turning toward the bar. I shook my head. “I’m fine thanks.” “We’ll be back in a few minutes.” Elijah smiled as he and Sam walked away. As I watched him, Marty, Bob, and Anthony all smiled and waved from their place at the bar. “I see Sam is still a moody sod,” Rachel grumbled, picking up her drink. “I can understand why,” I replied. “I left his brother.” “But surely he can understand why too. Stupid idiot.” “Please Rach, it’s fine,” I sighed, glancing over at them as Marty leaned over the bar to shout their order to the barman. “Let’s just try and enjoy a couple of

drinks with them and then we can go.” Rachel nodded and pulled me into a side hug, giving me the support I was desperate for.

* * * We’d had more than a couple of drinks with the guys and while Sam hadn’t exactly thawed around me, he was certainly being a little friendlier than when he’d first arrived. It still didn’t stop my stomach churning when we found ourselves alone – Marty, Bob, and Anthony having left to go and get an Indian take away, Rachel in the ladies and Elijah at the bar. I looked around the club, trying to find something that I could appear to be interested in, but it was a sea of people dancing or drinking, nothing remarkable at all. It was such hard work trying to find something to fill the silence with, that I had decided I might escape to the loo myself when Sam finally spoke. “It hurt us all you know,” he said, pushing his beer bottle into the middle of the table. I turned to face him. “Sorry.” “When you left without even talking to him; it hurt all of us. Mum and Dad were devastated, you were like a daughter to them, despite the fact that they never really showed you. I,” he said, poking a finger at his chest, “I lost my friend, so you didn’t only leave him, you left us all.” My eyes dropped to the floor, examining my black studded ankle boots. I’d never, ever considered what my actions had done to everyone else; but had Elijah either? “My family were gutted too, Sam,” I finally said, glancing over my shoulder to check Elijah wasn’t coming back. “What happened hurt them, especially Matty, he adored Eli.” “He says he didn’t do it, Amy,” Sam breathed out, his tone a little softer than it had been. “And you know, knowing how he felt about you, how…well, let’s just say, I believe him.” “I saw them, Sam,” I protested. “With my own eyes.” He nodded. “I know, but I can’t help thinking that there was more to it. I doubt he could have held his head up, he was that pissed, never mind his cock.” I couldn’t help but smile. It was typical of Sam to try and find some humour in any situation. “It’s in the past,” I replied. “He’s moved on and he seems happy now.” Recognising that fact hurt more than I cared to admit, but what did I expect,

that he’d wait for me until I calmed down and decided to let him explain things? Sam paused the beer bottle at his lips and shrugged. “And that remains to be seen, Amy.” I wanted to ask what he meant by that, but knew it wasn’t my place. We were having a friendly drink to celebrate finishing what had been a busy few weeks working alongside each other, that was all this was and I had to accept that. “Here you go.” A tattooed arm reached around me and placed a couple of drinks on the table. I turned and smiled up at Elijah. “Thank you, but you didn’t need to.” “I wanted to congratulate you on a job well done, so yes, I really did. Oh and FYI Sam, Hannah Brown just walked in.” Sam groaned. “Oh fuck, that’s all I need.” “You’re not still after her are you?” I asked, giggling. “You were trying to get into her knickers at-.” I stopped speaking because it’d been the night of the dreaded party. Elijah shifted at my side and placed a bottle in front of his brother. “I don’t think he’s feeling it any more, are you Sam?” I breathed out on a shaky smile. “Why is that?” I asked, thankful for Elijah half changing the subject. “She wants a husband and I’m not willing, apart from which she talks about her bloody dog all the time.” We all started to laugh and conversation was a little easier by the time Rachel re-joined us.

* * * “So, what’s your next job?” Elijah asked, as we distractedly watched Sam dancing with a tall, blonde girl. Rachel was standing with some friends from her work, chatting animatedly to them, leaving Elijah and I alone. “Scotland, would you believe.” Elijah’s eyes widened. “Scotland. How long for?” I thought I detected disappointment in his voice but was probably imagining it. Maybe it was wishful thinking. “A month. It’s a hotel that is being refurbished.” “Oh, okay. Is Claudia going with you?” he asked, taking a sip of his beer. “Yes, but only for a week and then she’s coming back to keep the office running.” “Where is she tonight, by the way? I think Bob was going to try his luck

again.” I began to laugh, remembering the day in the kitchen all those weeks ago. “She had a family commitment, her girlfriend’s dad’s seventieth birthday party.” Elijah nodded and then turned back to watch Sam. Suddenly everything seemed a little awkward as it had with Sam earlier and I couldn’t stand it. We were inches apart and every time he breathed or moved, his arm brushed mine, sending my heart into overdrive. My body was yearning for his touch, it knew it and had missed it. “It’ll be strange not seeing you at the house on Monday,” he finally said. I turned to face him, watching as his eyes stared at my lips and then moved over the rest of my face. I held my breath as he reached out a hand and took a strand of my hair between his thumb and forefinger. “I’ve got used to seeing you.” His voice was soft and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “It was like the last five years had never happened.” My heart stalled as his arm dropped to his side, before shoving his hand into the pocket of his jeans. This was it, if I was going to do anything I had to do it now before I left town for a month. If I didn’t, I might regret it more than not listening to him five years ago. “Elijah,” I whispered, taking a step closer to him. “I-.” “I can’t Amy,” he said, holding up a hand to stop me advancing any further. “I’m so sorry, but I just can’t.” Goose bumps sprang up over my skin and the warmth I had been feeling in my chest had chilled to an aching iciness. My body felt as though it had been doused with cold water. “I’m sorry,” I gasped. “I shouldn’t have. I just...” I had no idea what to say to him. How could I have got it so wrong? “I’d better get Rach, Adam is picking us up soon.” I glanced at my watch, realising we still had half an hour, but I had to get out of there, even if it meant waiting in the cool night for Adam to pick us up. “You don’t need to go,” Elijah said, putting a hand to my elbow. “I do, I really do.” I gave him a small smile and picked up my bag. “Thanks for the drinks, and I hope the rest of the garden goes well. Say bye to Sam for me.” Elijah nodded and drew in a breath. “I will,” he replied running a hand over his head. Giving him one last smile, I moved away and on unsteady legs, made my way over to Rachel. I had only gone about five or six steps, when I heard Elijah calling my name. I stopped and closed my eyes, wondering whether I should turn around. When I felt his heat at my back, there was no decision to make and

I spun around to face him. We were inches apart and as he reached up to cup my cheek, I saw my own pain reflected in his eyes. “Amy,” he whispered on a croak. “I need to tell you…I want you to know.” I shook my head. “No Eli, it’s fine. I understand.” We looked at each other as things that we couldn’t put into words passed between us. With the feeling that I was breaking apart, I turned to leave again, but stopped when Elijah groaned out, ‘Fuck it’. He reached out for me and moved his head closer to mine when something over my shoulder caught his eye. His hand dropped as though my skin had burned him and he took a step back. “I’m sorry Amy,” he said, his voice low and pained. “I can’t.” And then he stepped away, moving over to Sam. With tears burning my eyes, I watched as they both left the dance floor and circled around the bar to join a tall, pretty brunette who was unbuttoning her jacket a couple of feet away from me. She was with a group of friends, but when she saw Elijah she squealed and ran to him, throwing her arms around his neck. “I didn’t know you’d be here,” she cried. “I thought you were going for a meal.” Eli shook his head, his eyes firmly on her pretty face. “Last minute decision.” My breath hitched, wondering why he’d lied – coming to Ziggy’s had always been our plan. “Hey, everyone,” she gushed, turning to her friends. “This is Elijah, my boyfriend.” I didn’t hear any more, I closed out their chatter and walked over to Rachel, the tears welling in my eyes and my shallow breath instantly telling her that we needed to go. As we moved past Elijah, Sam, and the group of girls, I held onto my friend’s arm for support, and when I heard someone ask the girl if it was this weekend she was moving in with Elijah, I almost crumpled into a heap. Rachel held me tight and guided me outside, and wrapped her arms around me while I cried, waiting for Adam to arrive. I had no one to blame but myself. I should never have given up on Elijah five years ago and I should never have allowed him back into my heart, because it hurt just as badly the second time around.

E LIJAH aged 28 Working at Tino’s for the last week without Amy, and Claudia for that matter, had become boring. Over their last week or so, I’d become used to spending time chatting with them over a coffee. I’d become used to seeing my ex-wife tottering around the house on her bloody high heels and I’d become used to watching her and wishing for things that I didn’t have a right to wish for. Things with Mia and I had become a little strained in the last week. I couldn’t get it out of my head what I’d been about to do at Ziggy’s before I spotted her walking in. It made me feel like shit that I’d almost done something that I’d never done before – not unless you counted me kissing Sadie Pardew when I was supposed to be Poppy James’ boyfriend. We were only seven, but my ‘cheating’ had still made Poppy cry. That night with Amy though, I couldn’t stop myself, because call me stupid, I felt as though she and I were joined and I was unable to pull away from her. What was that thing we were taught at school; The Common Law of Attraction, which states, we magnetically attract circumstances, events, and people that are in harmony with our dominant thoughts, emotions, and patterns of self-talk. Well, Amy was most definitely one of my most dominant thoughts. She was the one who, for over ten years, had evoked most of my emotions, be they deliriously happy or fucking heart-broken, it was always her, so it was no wonder my feet followed her without thought. I had wanted to kiss her so badly, I could practically taste her lips on mine, feel her tongue against mine. I was a thirsty man and at that moment I could only imagine Amy quenching that thirst. I almost did it too, and then I saw Mia coming into the club and it shocked me back to reality. I couldn’t do that to her –

I loved her, maybe I did love Amy too, probably more than I did Mia, I’d loved her first and that wasn’t something that was easily erased from your heart. The point was, I was with Mia, not Amy. The fact that I didn’t do anything didn’t stop the guilt I was feeling and Mia wasn’t stupid, she knew that something was wrong, but had no idea what. For some reason I hadn’t told her that Amy and I were both working for Tino. Another reason why I felt like I couldn’t look her in the eye. Sam had told me that withholding such information should tell me something about mine and Mia’s relationship. I told him to fuck off and look at his own love life. Needless to say, I was currently on top of my big brother’s shit list. All the guilt and regret swilling around my body was the reason that I’d told Mia we should go away for the weekend, seeing as I had a free one coming up. I thought it might be a good way for me to reconnect with her, and for me to push aside all the thoughts and feelings I’d been having. Mia was excited about the idea which was why we were looking at places that had last minute vacancies. It hadn’t escaped my notice that my first instinct had been to type Scotland into the search engine, which was ridiculous because I had no idea whereabouts in Scotland, Amy was. “What about this?” Mia asked, turning her laptop towards me. “It’s an apartment overlooking the river.” As she scrolled through the photographs, I murmured my agreement that it looked good, but there wasn’t much enthusiasm there. Mia sensed it because she grinned at me and started to type into the search field. “I know, what about York. It’s supposed to be a great night out. I went with the school years ago, and it was lovely if I remember rightly.” As Mia scanned the results, I pinched the bridge of my nose, not sure whether anything she showed me excited me, but knowing I needed to try for her sake. Endeavouring to look interested with the hotels she suggested, I almost sighed with relief when my mobile rang. It was an unknown number, but I didn’t care, answering it gave me the excuse I needed. “Sorry,” I said with an apologetic smile. “It might be work.” “Okay, babe,” she answered, with her usual brightness. Pushing up from the sofa, I gave Mia one last regretful look as I left the room, answering the call as I did. “Elijah Cooper,” I said, walking into the kitchen and closing the door. “Oh hey, Mr Cooper, my name’s Johnny Kavanagh and I was given your number by Tino Grimaldi. He said you’re doing some landscaping for him.” “Yes, that’s right,” I replied, trying to place the name that rang a bell. “I’ve almost finished there actually.”

“Yeah, he said. I met him at an event this weekend and he also said what a great job you were doing.” My eyes widened as it suddenly hit me. Tino was at a sporting dinner at the weekend and he’d told me all about talking to ‘the big man with funny shape balls’. That, with the accent, made realisation hit. This was fucking Johnny Kavanagh, Ireland Rugby’s former star Centre, winner of numerous trophies and one-time Young Sports Personality of the Year. “Well, that’s good to know.” I quickly grabbed my diary and a pen, excitement making my heart thud. Two star sportsmen would be fucking amazing references to have. “So, how can I help you?” “The thing is, Mr Cooper-.” “Please call me Elijah,” I interjected. “Sure, and please call me Johnny. I can’t say I like being called fucking Mr Kavanagh, it makes me feel as old as my da, and he’s a good looking fella alright, but he’s old. Although I’m sure my ma would disagree.” We both laughed and continued to talk for another twenty minutes about the reason for Johnny’s call. It seemed that having retired from competitive rugby, he was taking up a role as a rugby pundit for the BBC. That meant spending a great deal of his time in London, so he and his wife, Shannon, were moving there for a time. Apparently, the gardens of the house they’d bought weren’t ideal for their two rugby mad boys, Rory and Connor. “So, you’re happy to come over and see it?” Johnny asked. “Yeah sure.” I flicked through my diary. “How does this weekend sound?” In the depths of my mind, I knew I was letting Mia down over our weekend away, but surely she’d understand – it was work. “Perfect. Shannon and I will be over for the last time before she can’t fly any more. We’re having a little girl in four weeks,” he added, with a huge amount of pride in his voice. “Caoimhe. Shannon insists she’s born in Ireland, like our boys.” “Well congratulations.” My mind wandered, then Johnny telling me that he’d be travelling back and forth until the house and garden were sorted, broke my thoughts. We made our final arrangements for me to visit them and ended the call. As I closed my diary and pocketed my phone, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of relief that the search for last minute weekend breaks would have to be curtailed.

A MY aged 28 The Scottish air was clean and clear, and I had to be honest, I’d enjoyed the peace and quiet of the little village of Anaclellan. I’d been really busy since I’d arrived, working with builders and decorators, trying to create the vision that Mr & Mrs Murray had for their hotel. I’d persuaded them to veer away from the tartan and heather theme, instead going for a New England look of stripped floorboards, comfy couches, and hurricane lamps and candles. It was all in pale blues, creams, and lilac and was looking good. It was only a thirty room hotel, and the major building work had been completed before I arrived, with only a couple of bathrooms and the bar needing to be finished. The decorators were on their last day and I was pretty sure I’d be finished a few days ahead of time. The only fly in the ointment was Finlay, the Murray’s son. He regularly let me know his opinion on the refurbishment. He was a nice guy generally, but his desire to purchase horrifyingly ugly, peach, silk bed runners for all the beds was getting a little annoying. At his fourth or maybe ninetieth time of suggesting it, I lost my temper and threw the Hotel Linens R Us catalogue into the bin and emptied a bottle of water over it. Since then Finlay had kept a quiet distance. There was one other thing bothering me and that was Elijah – I was missing him and had a constant lump of pain pushing against my breastbone. I knew it was my own fault. I’d been stubborn and childish; but I’d also been heartbroken and feeling vulnerable at the time, unfortunately it’d taken me five years to realise how wrong I’d been in not taking time to see if we could work things out. The problem was, I didn’t think I’d ever un-see what I had that night. It was still

as vivid in my mind as if it was yesterday, and no matter how much I loved Elijah – had always loved Elijah – I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to forget and properly move on. “Are you wanting a drink, Amy?” Finlay asked, smiling brightly at me. “I’m having a wee one, if you’d like to join me.” I blinked rapidly, wondering when he’d come into the lounge, I’d been so lost in my own thoughts. “That would be lovely, Finlay, thank you.” I pulled my feet under me on the huge, squashy sofa which I was sitting on in the Murrays’ lounge. Mr & Mrs Murray- Iain and Marcia- had already gone up to bed as they were early risers. I usually went up to my room soon after them, liking to get up and out for a long walk before I started my working day. The rain had been sheeting down all day though, and Iain had said it was forecast to continue through to the following evening, so I decided not to walk the next morning and maybe sleep in a little longer instead, as long as I was up and ready to talk to the floor layers at 8 a.m. “Brandy?” I nodded and watched as Finlay put some ice into a glass and then poured some brandy over the top, making it crack and crackle. Once he poured himself a whiskey, he handed me my drink and with his large hand curled around a crystal glass, he sat down on the armchair. “Not long left now,” he said, swirling the amber liquid around. “No, we’ve made good time. It helped that the contractors were able to start before I got here.” “Well, I’ll be sad to see you go.” Finlay flashed me a perfect smile and sat back in the chair, stretching his legs out in front of him. He was tall and lean, with strawberry-blond hair and palegrey eyes, and if my head hadn’t been so caught up in Elijah, I may well have thought about something happening between us – I was pretty sure that he found me attractive because I’d caught him looking at me when he didn’t think I’d notice, a few times. “Do you have anyone at home?” he asked. I frowned, pausing with my glass halfway to my lips. “My family?” “No,” he replied, his Scottish lilt as smooth as the brandy I was sipping. “A man.” There was that pain again. “No.” I cleared my throat and moved my cheeks to make a half smile. “So, would you go to dinner with me then?” Finlay remained relaxed in his chair, watching me carefully as I drank some

more brandy. I wasn’t sure what to say. If I said no would it appear rude; he could simply be offering as a thank you for the work I’d done over the last three weeks. But what if I said yes and he did think it was something more, that it might lead to something more? Then Finlay laid it all out there and made it plain why he’d asked. “You know I find you attractive, Amy and I’d love nothing better than to take you out before you leave us. We’re both single, so what would the harm be?” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “You’ve been working non-stop for three weeks, so why not have some fun with me – for one night.” His eyes twinkled as he stared at me, waiting for my response. I shifted, feeling a little uncomfortable under his gaze, not because he was creepy or anything like that, but it had been a long time since anyone had given me so much attention. I’d shied away from it over the last five years, with my standard move being to pull away after a short time to avoid getting in too deep and getting my heart broken again. I’d only had sex a handful of times since I’d left Elijah and that had been with a guy in my second year in London. Seb had worked in menswear at the store and we’d gone out for a couple of months, but when he left his toothbrush over at my flat and talked about us taking a holiday together, I knew I had to end things with him. He’d said it was okay and understood that I didn’t want anything serious, but he left the store soon after that. Just before I left London to come home, I heard he’d gotten engaged, so I knew I’d done the right thing. “Well?” Finlay asked. I took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay,” I replied. “I’d love to have dinner with you.”

* * * My stomach roiled as I listened to the soft snoring beside me, wondering why on earth I’d allowed myself to fall into bed with Finlay. Of course I knew why, the phone call I’d had with Claudia earlier in the day. She’d told me she’d been back to the house to collect the final cheque from Tino and Sophie and had mentioned to them how good the gardens were looking, now that they were almost finished. She’d asked if the guys were around to say hello. Tino had told her they were, except for Elijah, who was having a day off to go shopping with his girlfriend for new bedding for when she moved in with him. Claudia wasn’t going to tell me, but when I said I’d decided I was going to

pull out of my dinner with Finlay, she didn’t want me to be pointlessly pining for Elijah. Feeling sick with jealousy, I ended the call and listened to the voice inside my head which said it’d be a good idea to go out with Finlay and seduce him. I put on a tight dress, some high heels, and left my room with one aim in mind, to end the day with sex. That voice had obviously pissed off somewhere, because it had been replaced with one that was giving me a lecture on what a stupid idea it had been and that I should escape as soon as I could. Lying as still as possible, only moving my head, I looked around the room to find my clothes. Thankfully, they all appeared to be piled next to the side of the bed in which I was sleeping, so as quietly and a slowly as possible, I slithered out of the bed. Stooping to pick up my dress, underwear, and shoes, I risked a glance at Finlay, thankful to see that he was still sleeping, face down, one arm above his head and one hanging down the side of bed, his fingertips moving up and down on the carpet as he took each sleep filled breath. He seemed to be in a heavy sleep, so I was confident I’d be able to leave his room without waking him. The other issue was that all the family bedrooms, plus their lounge and kitchen were on the same floor, so I had to get past Iain and Marcia’s room to get to my own, without waking them. I was hopeful that as it was still early, only five-thirty, they’d also be sound asleep. Sleeping with Finlay had been totally the wrong thing to do; both personally and professionally. I let my self-pity and jealousy take over my sanity, my common sense, and now I felt terrible. I felt dirty and easy and was mortified at what Mr & Mrs Murray might think of me. As for Finlay, I couldn’t even think about him and what this would mean for our professional relationship. I also had a suspicion that our night together would mean something to him. He’d showered me with attention both at dinner and in bed and while the sex had been good, I was ashamed to say my mind had wandered to Elijah throughout most of it. I was a horrible person and Finlay didn’t deserve to be treated as a substitute for my ex-husband who was living with his girlfriend. With one last look at the sleeping body in the bed, I gently opened the door and slid through it, clicking it shut behind me. Once on the landing, I held my breath, waiting to hear Finlay or his parents, but the top floor of the hotel was quiet, bar the ticking of the Grandfather clock that stood in the lounge. Feeling relief, I slowly tiptoed back to my room, closed the door and slid down to the floor, muffling my sobs with the fabric of my creased dress.

E LIJAH aged 22 As I looked at my beautiful wife in her gorgeous cream, lace dress, which hugged every one of her sexy curves, I knew I would never be happier than I was at that moment. Amy was everything to me, the love of my life, and as corny and as clichéd as it might have sounded, I fell in love with her more each day. She was currently bouncing around to House of Pain’s, Jump Around, with Lucas and Alex. Her shoes in one hand, while the other was fisted and pumping the air, and she looked like a fucking goddess. Her hair was escaping its elaborately curled bun and there was a thin sheen of sweat over her cleavage, and on her face was a huge grin as she sang out all the lyrics with my two best mates. I was one lucky fucker. “She’s enjoying herself.” Sam’s mouth was close to my ear and there was a distinct slurring of his words. “She looks fucking amazing too, bro. She-.” I punched him playfully in the arm. “Remember she’s my wife before you finish that sentence.” “I was just going to say she’s good for you. You’re good together.” Turning to look at him, I loosened my tie a little more. “You’re pissed.” “Yeah, but doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m saying. You know I love Amy.” “I know,” I replied with a grin, turning back to face the dancefloor. “I’m a lucky man.” “Just make sure you don’t fuck it up,” Sam said, swaying slightly as he pointed his bottle toward Amy. “No chance.” My response was immediate. “I fucking worship her and will

every day for the rest of my life.” “Do you ever argue?” Sam asked, turning to me with a raised brow. I huffed out a laugh. “Fuck yeah. We just never let it drag on. Did you not hear her giving me shit for leaving a mess in the kitchen last week? I thought she was going to blow a blood vessel.” We both grinned and then looked out over the dancefloor as Amy hooked her arm through Rachel’s, both hitching up their long dresses to dance to Cotton Eye Joe. That DJ was going to get a talking to, playing shit like that, but when I looked at how happy my wife was, why should I care? “How did you know she was the one?” Sam sounded dejected, causing me to shoot my head around to look at him. “What’s up?” Taking a swig from his bottle, he shrugged. “Nothing, why would there be?” “You sound a bit pissed off. You thinking it’s time you settled down.” I grinned at him, waiting for his usual cursing at the idea. “Maybe…I don’t know…maybe it’s time. Ah fuck it, I have no idea. It’s probably the wedding and all this fucking mushy shit getting to me today.” “You got a particular girl in mind?” I asked, nudging him. “Fuck no.” His response was vehement, a little too quick, and followed by a long swig of beer. I watched my brother carefully, and noticed a twitch in his eye and knew for sure he was either lying to me, or more likely, to himself. It was my wedding day though, and I didn’t want to stand around talking about his love life when I could be dancing with Amy. Handing Sam my bottle, I strode onto the dancefloor, just in time for the music to change to Thousand Years. As I approached, Rachel grinned and twirled Amy in my direction and into my open arms, taking Amy’s shoes from her as she left us. “Hey you,” she gasped, a little out of breath. “Where’ve you been?” “Just having a drink with Sam,” I replied, pulling her closer. “And watching you.” “You were, were you?” she asked, linking her arms around my neck and falling into my rhythm. “Yeah and realising how fucking lucky I am. You look beautiful and I’m amazed that you’re mine.” Amy dropped a kiss on my lips and then leaned back to look at me. “You shouldn’t be amazed, it was written in the stars.” She giggled softly and laid her cheek against my chest. “I hope we’re always this happy,” she sighed.

“Of course we will be.” My hand went to her arse and gave it a quick squeeze. “Sorry, but it looks amazing in this dress.” Amy looked up at me and rolled her eyes. “But it does.” “Well thank you, I appreciate your appreciation of my bum.” “I appreciate it so much, I’m going to fucking worship it later on when I get you out of this dress. I do hope you’re wearing a pair of those tiny little knickers which I love so much.” I wiggled my eyebrows at her, smirking as I noticed her take a deep breath as a blush crept up her neck – always a tell-tale sign that she was turned on. “They may be,” she said standing on her tiptoe to kiss the corner of my mouth. “And they may have antique lace around the edge.” “Really,” I replied, taking her bottom lip into my mouth and sucking on it. When she pushed her hips forward, I knew I needed to stop, otherwise we’d have to ditch our own wedding reception. “Oh yeah,” she said breathily. “You’re going to love them and the matching basque.” I groaned and moved my hand from Amy’s arse to my dick, readjusting it. “If the next song that DJ plays is a fast one, we still need to slow dance, because my grandma will have a stroke if she sees the stonker I’m currently sporting.” Amy let her head drop back and let out a loud belly laugh, her shoulders shaking as she tightened her arms around my neck. “Oh my god, you’re terrible.” “Yeah,” I whispered close to her ear, “but you love me.” Running a hand down my cheek, she studied me, her eyes bright and her lips pulled into a beautiful smile. “I do, and I promise I always will.”

A MY aged 28 There was a pain in my stomach that wouldn’t go away and every minute that I spent around Finlay, it was getting worse. The morning after our night together, I’d hidden in my room for as long as possible, until finally he’d come knocking on my door, bringing with him a breakfast tray. He decided to sit with me while I ate, watching me carefully; my regret plainly obvious. After almost ten painful minutes of silence while I ate, he finally decided to leave. “Don’t let whatever is holding you back spoil what we could have, Amy,” he said, as he pushed up from the end of my huge bed. “I think we could have a good time together.” As I tried to swallow down a bite of toast, which suddenly felt like sand paper, Finlay left my room telling me not to rush as he’d spoken to the floor layers and got them started in the dining room. The rest of the day had been filled with awkward silences or stilted conversations and I had never felt so grateful for dinner to be finished and to be able to scurry back to my room. Thankfully, Iain and Marcia didn’t appear to notice anything wrong – thank god, Finlay’s lost little boy look was enough guilt for one day. I’d thought the days following would get easier seeing as Finlay knew I wasn’t interested in having a relationship with him, or repeating our night together, but it really wasn’t. Each day he tried a little harder than the one before to get me to change my mind. He wasn’t forceful or demanding, but charming and funny. His tactic was evidently to try and disarm me with jokes and smiles. Earlier, he’d even asked me out to dinner again ‘as friends’, but I’d said no,

making an excuse about needing to sketch some ideas for my next job. Maybe, if I hadn’t been bloody obsessed with my ex-husband, I might have given Finlay a chance, but another time, another place. With thoughts of Elijah, I picked my phone up from the bar, where I’d been sitting to work on some invoices. Knowing it was going to torture me, I flicked at the screen until the Facebook app was showing. With a deep breath, I pressed my thumb on it and before I could talk myself out of it, typed in Elijah’s name. There were a few Elijah Coopers, but my Elijah was right there, his handsome face smiling out, third on the list. Taking care not to add him as a friend, I pressed on his name to load his page. As I thought, it wasn’t locked down, something I was always warning him about, and I was able to see everything on his page. I scrolled through his posts, smiling at some of the jokes and silly videos that he’d added and holding my breath whenever I came across a photograph. He looked handsome and perfect on every single one - his arms around Alex and Lucas standing on a beach, him and Sam with their mum and dad, him and Sam dressed as Shrek and Princess Fiona at a fancy dress party, him and-. My heart dropped to my stomach as I looked down at a picture of him and his girlfriend. They were both smiling as he stood behind her, his arm across her chest and a bottle of beer in the other hand, while Mia held a glass of wine up to whoever was taking the photograph. The caption on it was ‘Sam’s 30 th’. Acidic jealousy thrummed around my body, as I studied their faces. I should have been the one in that picture. I was the one who’d told Sam constantly that when he hit thirty he should have a party, for him to reply every time ‘It’s fucking years away, stop aging me before my time’. I should have been the one with Elijah’s arm around me – not her, but whose fault was that? It had been posted just over two months ago, on the actual date of Sam’s birthday, a few days before we’d both started working on Tino and Sophie’s house and they looked…happy. I felt my throat prickle and coughed to push back the emotion. I couldn’t keep crying about something that was never going to change. Elijah was happy with Mia, and I’d already tried to show him how I felt at Ziggy’s, but he’d told me no – and I understood. I wasn’t sure whether I actually could if it came down to it, because would I ever trust him again? I scrolled down through a few more photographs, finally stopping on one of Mia on her own, looking up at the Eiffel Tower. There was no caption, just a few likes, including one from Elijah even though it was posted on his page. I didn’t know whether he’d taken it, but I guessed he had because it was firmly focused on his girlfriend’s pretty face. I’d been staring at it for several minutes, when Finlay appeared behind the bar, standing in front of me.

“Something interesting?” he asked, placing his palms on the newly varnished wood. I looked up from my phone and shook my head. “No, just someone I used to know.” “You’ve lost touch?” “Yes,” I sighed. “A while ago.” He nodded as his grey eyes studied me. “You could always friend request them.” I looked down at the picture of Mia again before exiting out of Elijah’s page. “No,” I finally said, laying my phone face down on the bar. “The past is the past and it should stay there.” Sensing my sadness, Finlay smiled and placed a hand on my shoulder giving it a friendly squeeze. I hadn’t realised it was what I needed, but that along with his warm smile was welcomed, and eased the pain I was feeling. He’d been right, I shouldn’t let Elijah hold me back. As much as it hurt, it really was time to move forward. “I was thinking,” I said, exhaling to rid myself of all the unhappiness and grief. “Is that dinner invitation still open?”

E LIJAH aged 28 The guys and I had finished our job with Johnny Kavanagh and been back for a week, although I wasn’t sure Bob would ever be the same. He’d fallen completely in love with Johnny’s beautiful wife, Shannon, despite her being heavily pregnant. The stupid idiot had gone completely dumbstruck from the minute he set eyes on her, and it had got progressively worse in the two weeks we’d worked there. On the final night, they’d invited us all to dinner at the house with them and their boys and poor old Bob was so hetup, he couldn’t eat his meal but just stared at her all night. Only yesterday, I’d caught him staring down at a picture of her in a women’s magazine and I could have sworn he was crying. I had to admit, I wasn’t exactly feeling the joy about being back home either. We’d started working on the gardens for an ageing popstar and his airhead wife and he was quickly becoming the biggest prick I’d ever had the misfortune to meet. He was demanding, changed his mind constantly, and was a tight as a duck’s arse when it came to materials. I was constantly battling with him about buying cheap paving slabs or cut-price plants and was close to quitting. I was also struggling with the fact that now I was back, Mia was desperately trying to pin me down to a date for her to move in. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to, I just wasn’t sure I wanted it yet, but I didn’t have the heart or the balls to tell her it’d all been a mistake when she’d heard me talking to Sam about it. I was being a fucking coward about it because I knew she’d ask me why, and I wasn’t sure telling her that I couldn’t get my ex-wife out of my head would be a positive step for our relationship. To be honest, it was taking every effort not to get into my truck and go and see Amy on her current job, which I heard was at another hotel, just outside of

Manchester. I’d swallowed up that information from Marty, who’d bumped into Claudia when he and his wife were out having dinner one night. Don’t know why, but he had a shit eating grin when he’d told me the next day. As I contemplated the whole Mia situation, I could hear her moving around in my kitchen. She’d offered to make lunch while I worked on some invoices in my home office. The fact that I’d done sweet FA in the hour I’d been in there, pretty much proved my mind was most definitely elsewhere. My head was pounding and my lungs were feeling tight, as though the air was slowly disappearing from the room. I needed to get out and get some fresh air. I pushed against the desk with such ferocity that my chair slammed into the wall behind me. Not bothering to check whether I’d cracked the plaster of the pale grey wall, I moved out of the office to the landing. “Mia,” I called, standing on the top stair. “Mia.” “Yeah,” she answered, appearing from the kitchen. “Do I have time for a run?” I asked, scrubbing a hand over my head. She glanced at her watch. “If you want to,” she replied, a catch of disappointment in her voice. “I’ve made sandwiches and a salad, so it can wait.” My only response was to turn toward my bedroom to get changed.

* * * My feet pounded along the canal tow path as Rag ‘n’ Bone Man’s moody, soulful voice belted out the chorus of Human in my ear. With an understanding of every word he sang, I pushed my legs harder, quickening my pace until I was almost sprinting. It was punishing, but I needed the burn in my lungs to push away all the thoughts whirling around in my head. With the cool air whistling around me, I felt freer than I had in weeks. I wasn’t having to lie to my girlfriend that I was happy with her moving in. I wasn’t having to lie to my brother that I was okay. I wasn’t having to lie to myself that I didn’t love Amy any more. There was only the tarmac beneath my feet and the music in my ears. It felt good and I knew I’d made the right decision to get out of the house. Finally, as I approached the canal café, I let out a long breath and as the music slowed to Dermot Kennedy’s Heartless, I gradually reduced my own speed until I was walking with my hands on my hips. I was breathing heavily, but I felt good for having blown away my memories and thoughts for a short time. Walking inside, I held a hand up to the young girl behind the counter, pulling

out a five pound note from the pocket of my shorts. “Bottle of water, please,” I said between panting breaths. She smiled and turned to the fridge, before placing a bottle on the counter and then taking my money. “Thanks.” “No problem.” She smiled as she handed me my change and then turned to someone who had come in behind me. As I turned to leave, I almost dropped the bottle. “Shit, Amy. I didn’t see you there.” Amy blinked rapidly as she looked at me and then glanced at the girl behind the counter. “A large Americano, please,” she said, her head half-turned to me. “Hi Eli.” “Hi. How are you doing? How was Scotland?” I sounded breathless and it wasn’t from the running, it was all down to Amy and how she affected me. The long lashes of her brandy coloured eyes, the soft curl of her hair that almost reached the small of her back, her high, rounded breasts, her full lips that were a perfect natural pink and her smell – fuck, her smell, it was fresh and light, it was home. “It was okay,” she replied, lowering her gaze to search through her purse. “It was a little cold up there, but nice people.” She flashed a small smile at me, before turning back to the counter and handing over some cash for her coffee. “I’d buy that for you,” I said, sounding stupid and hesitant, “but I don’t have enough money on me.” “No, it’s fine.” She shook her head, stowing her purse back into the bag she had across her body. “I was just, um, going for a walk so I decided to stop for a drink. What about you?” She looked at me and then started to laugh. “Sorry, pretty obvious you’re out running.” She shook her head, covering her eyes with her hand. I grinned, taking the opportunity to drink her in a little more. She was wearing tight jeans that stopped at the ankle, a white long-sleeved t-shirt, and navy and white Converse, and she looked beautiful. Her face was devoid of make-up, with the simple flush of fresh air on her cheeks. “It’s fine,” I said, uncapping my water. “I can see how my legs would distract you.” She dropped her hand to her throat as her mouth quirked up at the corner. “Still modest, I see.” I shrugged and took a swig of my drink, swallowing hard as I kept my gaze

on Amy. “You fancy some company while you drink your coffee?” I asked, nodding toward a table by the window. “I…um, yeah, okay.” We waited for another couple of minutes for the coffee and then I followed her over to the table, desperately trying not to let my eyes linger on her arse which I’d always loved so much. “I believe the gardens ended up being gorgeous,” Amy said as we each took a seat. “I spoke to Sophie yesterday, you know just to check everything was still okay, no issues.” I nodded. “Yeah, I’m really pleased with them, and Tino and Sophie seemed happy.” “Well, she was really complimentary. Said the kids barely leave the garden and the Llamas love it too.” “So I believe.” Tino had called me, full of excitement that the Llamas were apparently ‘frolicking’ in their part of the garden. “Anyway, tell me about Scotland.” Amy’s cheeks pinked as she took a sip of her hot coffee, wincing slightly. “Like I said, it went well. Nice people who appreciated what I did.” She gave me a tight smile and then looked out of the window. “Marty saw Claudia and she said you’re in Manchester now,” I lifted the bottle to my lips, pausing and waiting for her answer. She nodded. “Yeah, another hotel. This one is part of a chain though and getting a total refurb, so all I’m doing is the design. They’ll get their own contractors in and I’ll be there in a consultation capacity.” I laughed and almost choked on my water. “What’s so funny?” Amy asked, a small smirk on her lips – she knew perfectly well what I found amusing. “You giving up control and only having a consultancy role. It’ll kill you.” She narrowed her eyes, trying to look affronted, but her gorgeous smile broke through. “Okay, so I may have to bite my tongue, but there isn’t much I can do about it.” “How come you’re not doing the lot; bringing in your own contractors like you normally do?” Amy took another sip of her coffee, wrapping both hands around the large, pale-blue mug. “They like to have a different designer for each hotel, and each one is given a different theme to work with – mine was bohemian.” “I guess that means every hotel is individual, but surely it’s more corporate savvy to have them all looking the same?” I asked, leaning back in my chair.

“All the staff wear the same uniform, the menus are the same, and every reception has to be in the corporate colours of purple and orange, and it works,” Amy replied with a shrug. We sat in silence for a couple of minutes and I felt sure that Amy was trying hard to think of something to say, just as I was. That in itself was like a punch to the gut; we’d never struggled to have conversation. It was one of the reasons we were successful as a couple – we were best friends who chatted constantly. “Where are you at the moment?” I blew out a quiet sigh of relief that Amy had broken the silence. “Twenty miles out of town, working for Darren Baker, you remember him?” Furrowing her brow in thought, Amy shook her head. “No, the name doesn’t ring a bell.” “He made a comeback when we were about eighteen. He was the guy that wore red leather trousers all the time, sang that song that was on the advert for men’s aftershave.” She thought some more, eventually smiling. “Oh yes, I know. Your dad took your mum to see him. He was pretty old then, wasn’t he a big star in the eighties?” “That’s him. Well he and his very young wife are having their garden totally overhauled. It was just grass and he wanted some plants and terracing put in.” “Well, famous footballers and now popstars, you’re really getting a name for yourself.” Amy’s eyes were soft as she gave me a genuine smile. “I’m really pleased for you.” “We’ve just finished working for an ex-professional rugby player, too. He was the Ireland Captain for years and has just retired.” “Wow, you won’t want to speak to little old me soon,” she giggled. I drew in a breath, the words ‘I’ll always want to be in your life’, on the tip of my tongue. I didn’t say them though, I just smiled and took another swig of my water. We continued to chat, staying on neutral ground of work, the weather, and Netflix recommendations. When my mobile buzzed, I picked it up from the table, where I’d put it with my Bluetooth headphones and stared down at the screen. It was a text from Mia and suddenly my skin felt cold and my heart a little traitorous. Mia:Need to go home. Leah has locked herself out. Will leave your lunch in the fridge. Call u later xx

I felt like such a shit. I knew she’d made us lunch, yet instead of rushing back as I should have done, I’d chosen to sit and talk about some fucking TV series about a haunted house, with my ex of all people. “I have to go,” I said, standing up quickly and almost toppling my chair over. “Great seeing you, Amy.” Amy looked up at me with a frown, her lips parting and the tip of her tongue flicking out to lick her top lip. Watching her, I almost sat myself back down, but knew it would be the wrong thing to do. Mia didn’t deserve to be treated as though she didn’t mean anything to me - she did. She was important to me and I loved her. Problem was I was fucking obsessed with Amy, but there was no going back, we’d moved on. “Oh, okay,” she said, shifting in her seat. “I’ll, um, see you around maybe.” “Yeah, maybe.” I gave her a quick smile, and picking up my headphones, exited the café and jogged back home, sending a quick text to my girlfriend asking her not to leave until I got home. The need to see her laying heavy in my chest.

A MY aged 28 “You really don’t need to do this,” Matty said, scratching his head and holding his other hand against his chest. “It’s too much, Ames.” I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gave a squeeze. Nothing would ever be too much for him, or my new nephew or niece, and buying a pushchair was what I wanted to do. “Matty’s right.” Carla looked at me with anxious eyes as she ran a hand down the hood of the top of the range pushchair. “We can’t possibly accept this, Amy. It’s far too expensive.” “No it’s not. I want to do this for you.” I turned to the sales lady. “You’ll be able to keep it here until the baby is born, won’t you?” “Why?” Matty asked. The lady, with greying hair and bright-blue, twinkly eyes, gave me a warm, understanding smile. “Of course we can.” “But why?” Matty repeated. “I think I heard it’s bad luck,” Carla chipped in, moving to walk around the pushchair and taking a closer look. Matty’s gaze swung to mine, his mouth parted on a gasp. I smiled and rubbed his arm. “It’s fine, Matty.” “I-I didn’t know,” he stammered. “Do you want the matching baby bag?” I asked, changing the subject. Carla’s head shot up from her inspection. “God, no. Honestly, the pushchair is enough.” I turned to the sales lady and nodded. “We’ll have the bag too please.” “I think we can get you a little discount on that,” she replied with a smile.

“I’ll go and get one from the stock room while you have a last look over the pushchair.” “God, Ames, I don’t know what to say.” Matty blew out his cheeks. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough. That’s eight hundred quid’s worth of pushchair there.” He looked at me with the look of a man in pain and I couldn’t help but laugh. It was typical of Matty, he’d give his last penny away, but found it wholly uncomfortable if anyone helped him out or showed him kindness. I didn’t care how he felt though, I wanted to do this, they deserved it because it was going to be hard enough being young parents and living with my mum and dad. Not that Mum and Dad were awful, but they’d have very little personal space and if I knew my mum, she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from giving Carla and Matty the benefit of her advice, no matter how much Dad and I had warned her not to. If me buying them a pushchair helped them to save more to be able to move out, then so be it. Carla rushed over to me and pulled me into a tight hug, and I had to quell the reaction that her slim arms wrapped around me brought. I’d been close to tears at the slightest thing recently; ever since I’d realised that I still loved my exhusband. Although, helping my little brother to prepare for the arrival of his child was pretty emotive in itself. With my feelings for Elijah filling my heart, anything else that happened was simply that cup of water which overfilled my glass of emotion. “Thank you so much, Amy.” Her words were muffled as she squeezed tighter. “You and your mum and dad have been amazing.” Matty came closer as his hand came out to rub Carla’s back. The three of us standing in the middle of a host of pushchairs and highchairs in a little group hug. “Okay,” I finally said. “Let me go and pay while you take a final look at it and make sure it’s the one you definitely want.” “Oh god, we do,” Carla gushed, swiping at tears on her cheeks. “It’s perfect. Thank you.” As Matty pulled her into his arms, I left them to meet the sales lady at the cash register. As she started to put everything through, including a cute little baby sleeping bag that I couldn’t resist, I turned to watch the street outside. It was then that I saw them – Elijah and Mia, holding hands and carrying a couple of bags each. Mia was talking animatedly to him and he was listening intently, his head slightly cocked towards her, with a smile on his face. I felt sick and my legs felt weak. My heart drummed hard and the sensation of falling took over my body. It felt as though I’d lost my grip on the parapet that

I’d been gripping and no matter how much I screamed or scrabbled to get my grasp back, I was going to thud to the ground and never get back up. “It is a card, you’re paying with?” The sales lady’s voice broke my living nightmare and when I turned back to her, I had the feeling she’d already asked me the question once before. “Sorry,” I said, handing over my card. “I was in a world of my own.” Not saying anything but simply smiling, she took the card from me and I dared a glance back through the window, but they were gone. Feeling hot and clammy, I unzipped my leather jacket and ran a hand across the back of my neck, under my hair. It was sticky and the feeling of nausea was still there – I couldn’t un-see how happy they were. I’d never get that image out of my head. As we left the shop, Carla saw a friend of hers, so she went ahead of me and Matty. As she did, I felt Matty’s hand curl into mine and squeeze it tightly. “Are you okay?” he asked, his face full of concern. “Yes, I’m fine.” I nodded and gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “Honestly.” “I know this must have been difficult for you.” He cleared his throat and leaned in to kiss my cheek. “And I know I don’t say this often, but I love you.” “I should hope so, I’m the best sister you’ve got.” “The only one, unless Dad has got something he needs to tell us.” We both laughed at the absurd thought of our dad cheating on Mum – it would never happen. A silence fell between us and as we slowly walked toward Carla, who was chatting animatedly to her friend, I felt the need to tell Matty what I’d seen and how I was feeling. Maybe letting it all out would cleanse me in some way and I’d be miraculously cured – or maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe saying the words would only serve to reinforce them and make my heart feel heavier and my lungs fuller. “When I was paying, I saw Elijah,” I blurted out, as we pulled to a stop a few feet from Carla. Matty groaned. “Oh fuck, are you okay? Did you want to go and punch his fucking lights out?” I shook my head, looking down at the pavement, my eyes focused on a piece of chewing gum that had been trodden into the concrete of the path. “No, we’ve been talking pretty amicably, since we worked together.” “Oh, you never said.” “Didn’t really think it was important,” I lied. I knew exactly why I hadn’t told any of my family, because they’d loved Elijah and he’d hurt them too, and if we were talking, they might get the wrong

idea and I couldn’t dash their hopes as well as my own. “And how’s that going – the talking?” Matty asked, his shoulders straightening and his jaw tensing. “It’s good,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I promise, we’re behaving like adults and it’s not upsetting me if that’s what you’re worried about.” “Something is, because you’ve been really quiet since you paid and even though you’ve just spent a shit load of money on a pushchair, I don’t believe for one minute it’s your future credit card statement that’s upset you.” I narrowed my eyes at him and sighed heavily. “Okay, Sherlock. He was with his girlfriend and-.” “You felt jealous,” he finished for me. “Yes, a bit.” Who was I kidding? I felt as though I’d had my heart cut out and fed to the birds. It was so much more than jealousy, it was heartbreak. “What else?” Matty asked, stooping down his six feet, one inch frame, so he could look into my eyes. There was no point lying to him, he knew me too well. Plus, hadn’t I decided that sharing my thoughts might help. “I still love him, Matty,” I blurted out. “I still want him, I still love him, and I’ve realised I was a stupid fucking idiot for not listening to him five years ago. Now, it’s too late, he’s happy with Mia, and I hate it. I hate that she’s moving in with him and I hate that I feel as though he’s still mine and she’s taken him away from me, when actually he hasn’t been mine for five years.” “And you hate her too,” Matty said with a grin. “I never said that.” I protested. “No, but you do. I can see it in your eyes and the way you said ‘Mia’.” I laughed as he impersonated me. “Does he know how you feel?” I shrugged. “He might have an idea, seeing as I tried to tell him one night in Ziggy’s and I think he was going to kiss me.” Matty rubbed a hand down his face. “So he was going to cheat on her too.” “No, no way,” I protested. “He couldn’t do it. He kept saying he couldn’t, but then he stopped me and kind of moved forward and then pulled away. I think it was because she turned up, but I honestly don’t think he’d have gone through with it, even if she hadn’t.” “Why?” I thought about it momentarily, and the reasons were sharp and painful. “Because I’ve been a bitch to him, he knows I’d probably never let him forget what happened and because he doesn’t love me. He loves her.”

The last reason was the one that hurt the most. The one that felt like a barb in my skin. Elijah loved Mia and there was nothing I could do about it. “Well if that’s true,” Matty sighed, pulling me against his side, “then you need to move on too, but if you think there’s even a small amount of chance that he might still love you then don’t give up. Talk to him and let him talk too, and bloody well listen.” I looked up at my little brother, who was soon to be a dad and was over six inches taller than me and the feelings of pride and respect were overwhelming, but I also felt guilt too. “Do you blame me for you losing him?” I asked. Matty frowned and shook his head. “No, I blamed him. If he hadn’t done what he did, we’d all still have him.” “Yeah, but maybe I should have talked to him.” “Maybe, but you saw it with your own eyes, although I’ve gotta say Ames, I still find it difficult to believe. So, I do understand why you didn’t talk to him, why you couldn’t. I just wish…I wish I’d had some time with him, to say goodbye. He was like a brother to me, Ames, and when he disappeared from our lives, you did too and I felt like I was grieving, if that makes sense.” I nodded and my heart felt heavy at not seeing before how much it had affected my family, and Matty in particular. “I never believed it, well not at first,” Matty said, cupping a hand at the back of his neck. “I knew how much he loved you, worshipped you, but when you were so hurt and pained, I knew it had to be true.” “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Don’t be. Just do me a favour and make sure you’re happy. Don’t live a life of regret, especially if you’ve got a chance to change things.” We looked at each other for a few seconds, letting our thoughts mull around our heads, until Carla joined us. “I was telling Kacey about the pushchair,” she said, hooking her arm in Matty’s. “She said you must be an amazing sister.” “She is,” Matty replied. “Buying that pushchair was the kindest thing anyone could ever do.” “It’s just a gift, you soppy bugger,” I said, making light of things to avoid crying – again. “It’s so much more than a gift and you know it,” Matty said, giving me a soft smile. “Now, who fancies some lunch? It’s on me.” As we started to walk away, I glanced over at the baby shop and thought about things that might have been, and knew today had been the start of me moving forward, in more ways than one

E LIJAH aged 22 Elijah:Hey gorgeous, sorry but I’ve done something you may not be happy about xx Amy:What!!?? Elijah:I opened the bathroom cabinet while I was having a wee xx Amy:And?? Elijah:Your box of tampons fell out xx Amy:And?? Elijah:They fell in the toilet xx Amy:Okay? Elijah:I fished them out and put them on the radiator to dry xx Half expecting the last message to result in a call, I wasn’t surprised when my phone began to ring, knowing Amy would be on her way home from her new job in the design section in a local department store. “Hi.” “Please tell me there aren’t tampons drying out on the radiators.” Amy sounded a little pained, but I didn’t understand why. I thought it had been an ingenious plan. “Yeah, they all fell in, it would have been a total waste,” I explained. “But they’re covered in pee!” she cried. I held the phone away from my ear and moved aside to let a lady with a trolley pass me down the aisle. “They were in the wrappers. They’ll be fine.” “Elijah, really? You think I’d use them after that?”

“I dunno,” I replied with a shrug. “Don’t see why not.” “Well of course I bloody wouldn’t. That’s disgusting.” “Okay, so I’ll get you some more. I’m in the supermarket now, what sort do you want me to get.” There was a pause on the other end of the line and all I could hear was the faint sound of Amy’s breathing. “Amy?” “What?” “What sort of tampons do you want me to get?” I asked, making my way to the toiletries aisle. “Is it the ones in a blue box or the supermarket’s own – which ones?” “Don’t worry about it,” Amy responded, sounding a little tentative. “I know what tampons are,” I argued, rolling my eyes. “All I need to know is what brand.” As I reached them, I crouched down to study the boxes. “There seems to be different sizes. Does that depend on the size of your-.” “No Eli!” she snapped, cutting me off. “It doesn’t. Now just go and get what we need and forget about the damn tampons.” “I said I was sorry, it was an accident, so just let me buy you another box.” “No. I don’t want you to.” I heard Amy tut on the other end of the line and it pissed me off. I’d apologised, offered to buy more, so what the fuck was her problem? “Are you pre-menstrual now, is that what’s wrong with you?” I asked, picking up a box and reading the front of it. “I’ll get super, it’s to do with the flow according to the box and if your mood is anything to go by, they’re exactly what you need.” “You did not just say that to me,” Amy roared down the phone. “You cheeky bastard.” “Well you’re obviously in a bad mood, I just assumed it was because you had your period and it was a bad one.” “I am not in a bad mood,” she hissed. “All I said was not to buy me any tampons.” “It wasn’t what you said, but the way you said it, Amy. I’ve been with you long enough to know when you’re in a mood, and you’re in a mood. Now just tell me what damn tampons you want.” “I don’t,” she cried. “I don’t want any fucking tampons. I don’t need any fucking tampons, so don’t buy me any fucking tampons, you stupid prick.” And then the line went dead.

* * * As I let myself into our apartment, the soft sound of Meadowlark’s, May I Have This Dance drifted from our bedroom. With a sigh, I deposited the two shopping bags in the kitchen and then went to find out how bad a mood my wife was in. “Hey,” I said, seeing Amy curled up in a ball on the bed. She turned her head to look at me. “Hi.” “You in a better mood?” I asked, tensing ready for the fight. “I’m not in a bad mood,” was her soft reply. “Did you get everything we needed?” I frowned, wondering why she hadn’t flown off the handle. She liked nothing better than getting the last word in an argument, and never backed down from one. “You got a bad stomach?” I asked, noticing her arms wrapped around it. Amy didn’t respond immediately, but chewed on her lip and pulled herself into a sitting position. Her eyes were red and her face was so pale she looked as though she’d never seen a ray of sunshine, ever. “What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking her hand. “This isn’t because of the bloody tampons, is it?” She shrugged. “Kind of.” “What do you mean?” I shuffled closer to her, running a hand over her mussed up hair. “It was just a tiff, Amy. It’s hardly worth getting upset about.” “I know, it’s not that.” “So what is it then?” She drew in a jagged breath before slowly letting it out and lengthening her body to sit up straighter. Taking the remote for the speaker, she turned down the volume of the music and turned back to me. “I’m pregnant.” As she said the words, a silent plea swept across her face – please don’t hate me, please be happy about this. She couldn’t be further from the mark. “Really?” I asked, exhilaration and emotion mixing together to make my head spin. “Honestly?” Amy nodded. “I didn’t forget to take my pill, I don’t know how it happened, I swear-.” I dragged her into my arms and kissed her, cutting off any words or thoughts of an apology from her. “Oh fuck,” I cried, gasping from our kiss and my excitement. “Seriously, I’m

going to be a dad?” She gave me a hesitant nod, all the while her eyes were searching my face. She needn’t have worried, because I was happier than I’d ever been. My stomach was a knot of excitement, thinking about what was happening inside her, the life that we’d created. I felt ten feet tall. A bigger and better man than I’d ever thought possible. “You’re okay about it?” “Okay. Fuck Amy, this is amazing. I can’t believe it.” I kissed her again. “I know we hadn’t planned it, but shit, who cares. How long, how many weeks, or whatever it is?” Moving from my arms, she reached across to her bedside table and pulled open the drawer, pulling out a pregnancy test kit and handed it to me. I stared down at it, looking at the little window I read, Pregnant 2-3. “Does that mean you’re having two or three?” I asked, feeling the colour drain from my face. Amy giggled. “It says weeks, you idiot.” I looked again. “Shit, yeah, so you’re either two or three weeks?” My hand shook as I looked down at the white stick again. Amy nodded. “I took the test yesterday, when you were at work. I realised the other day that I hadn’t had a period, so I bought it a few days ago, but was too scared to take it.” “Why?” I asked softly, cupping her cheek. “I thought you might be mad. I’ve only just started my job, we’re still living in this apartment, and we’ve only been married for two months; lots of reasons.” “Amy,” I whispered, kissing her forehead. “I’m bloody ecstatic. This is the best news ever, I swear. I love you more than anything in the world and you having my baby only makes me love you more – if that’s possible.” “You promise?” she asked, her voice cracking as her slim hands gripped my t-shirt. “I promise.” “Oh god, Eli, we’re having a baby.” Tears were in Amy’s eyes as she gazed at me and I didn’t think I’d ever seen her look more beautiful. “I love you,” I whispered against her lips. “I’ll always love you, for the rest of my life, don’t ever forget that.” “I might remind you of that when we’ve not had any sleep for weeks on end and we’re screaming at each other.” She giggled and wiped at her nose with a tissue. “All the sleepless nights will be worth it, especially if it’s a little mini you

that’s causing all the trouble.” This time when I kissed her, it was deeper and longer, leaving us both breathless. “By the way?” I asked, finally pulling away. “Did your tampons dry out okay?” Amy laughed and hit me with a pillow, both of us falling back onto the bed and wondering with excitement how our life was going to change in a few months’ time.

E LIJAH aged 28 “You really don’t have to do this,” Sam said as we loaded up my truck with boxes from Mia’s apartment. “If it isn’t what you want, just tell her.” I stopped what I was doing and glared at him. Of course it was what I wanted, I was moving on. It was time. “I do want her to move in. I wouldn’t have asked her otherwise,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. “You hardly asked her,” he replied, raising an eyebrow. “Doesn’t matter how it came about, it’s what I want. I love Mia and want her to move in with me.” Sam let out a long breath, shrugged, and carried on loading the truck and we carried on in silence until Mia appeared five minutes later. “That’s the last of it,” she said, grinning at me. “All done.” She wasn’t bringing any furniture with her as her apartment had been rented furnished, so it was only her boxed belongings that we’d had to move. I probably could have done it alone and saved myself a lecture and a morning of knowing looks from Sam, but I hadn’t been sure how much stuff she had – plus my brother owed me a favour. “Okay,” I said, rubbing my hands together. “Sam and I will go ahead in the truck and we’ll see you back at my…sorry our place.” Mia giggled and reached up on her tiptoes, kissing me quickly. “I’m so excited. I’ll see you there.” As we watched her go, I heard Sam take a breath. “Not a word,” I snapped. “I don’t want to hear it.”

* * * When we got back to the house, Mia was already there, rolling two suitcases down the driveway, with another bag over her shoulder. I pulled the truck up and jumped out. “Mia, let me help you with those.” She turned and shook her head, a huge smile still on her pretty face. “No, it’s fine. I’ll just take these upstairs and then I’ll come and help you unload the boxes.” “Sam and I will do that,” I replied, reaching her and handing her the door key. “You get unpacked. Where do you want them all?” She looked over at my truck and then with her head angled to one side, took a moment to think about it. “What about the garage? Then I can unpack them one at a time, they won’t be clogging up the spare bedroom, and whatever I decide I don’t want or need can stay in the box and either go the tip or charity.” I nodded. “Sounds like a good idea. There’s nothing in them you need now?” “Nope. Everything I need on a day to day basis is in these bags. Oh, the two boxes with red labels, can you put those near the front as I’ll want to unpack those first. They’re books and photos.” “Sure.” I pinched between my eyes, trying to rid the thudding ache. “That’s brilliant, thank you.” Her voice was light and airy, and that coupled with the way she was bouncing on her toes, showed me just how exciting this all was for her. She loved me deeply, I knew she did, she’d been the first to say it and said it all the time. I, however, was a little more guarded and hadn’t told her until a month after she’d said the words. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been feeling it, but I’d felt cautious after Amy, even though it had been over four years since she’d gone. Losing the woman I’d loved since I was seventeen, the woman who I’d thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with, shattered me. It caused me pain so intense that there were times I’d have gladly gone to sleep at night and never woken up. I just couldn’t envisage a life without her, so when Mia came along and I realised I hadn’t thought about Amy for a couple of days, it scared me. There was no doubt that Mia brought light into my life, but how could I have possibly loved Amy if this petite, dark-haired, pretty woman, with her smiley face and giggle could make me forget so easily. That’s why it was hard to admit that I had fallen in love with Mia, because I wasn’t totally sure that’s what it was. Half of me considered it more gratitude because she’d taken the darkness

away, but slowly and surely, I began to trust my feelings and said the three words I knew she was anxious to hear. “So, it’s the garage then?” Sam asked, as Mia disappeared into the house. “Yep. Just pile them up at the back. She’s going to unpack them gradually. There are two with red labels, they need to go at the front.” “Okay.” Sam saluted me and made his way back to the truck. As he reached it, I heard his phone buzz with a text. He pulled it from his pocket and looked down at it and then looked up at me. “What?” I asked. “Nothing. It’s fine.” He shook his head and turned his concentration back to the boxes in the back of my truck. I walked over to him. “Go on, tell me.” He sighed heavily and handed me the mobile. A text showed on the screen from an old workmate of his, Maxwell. As I read it, I felt my stomach lurch and a small quiver started in my hand which was holding the phone. Maxwell: Just looking at your bros ex-wife! I’m sitting in The Miller and she’s in here with her friend having lunch. Fuck she’s hot. I’m going to go over to work my charm. Will keep you posted lol I knew it wasn’t my business any longer, but I wanted to rush around to the pub and smash Maxwell’s face in. He was a fucking player who treated women like crap and wasn’t even deserving of the shit on the bottom of my shoes, never mind Amy’s. I knew of at least two kids he had that he never saw, and his last girlfriend, whom he lived with, he’d dumped by fucking text when he moved in with someone else. “You better fucking put him straight,” I growled, practically throwing the phone at Sam. “He goes anywhere near her and I’ll fucking end him.” Sam raised his eyebrows and nodded slowly. “Okay then, and do you want your new live-in girlfriend to know that too?” “What the fuck does that mean?” I reached for a box, anger making my hands shake so much that I almost dropped it. Sam put out a hand to stop it and pushed it back onto the bed of my truck. “It means, calm the fuck down or Mia will want to know what your problem is. Telling her you’re fucking raging with jealousy over your ex-wife is not a good start to domestic fucking bliss,” he hissed. My gaze shot to the open front door of my house, but there was no sign of Mia.

“I’m not jealous, I just don’t want Maxwell Tanner anywhere near her. He’s a prick and a fucking man whore, who has no idea how to treat women. Amy doesn’t need a fucking knob like him in her life.” “And don’t you think Amy would have more sense than to go there? She was around when he and I knocked about together, she knows what a dick he is, so give her some credit.” I took in a deep breath and looked up to the pale blue sky. There wasn’t a cloud around, yet all I could see was greyness as a gentle breeze blew against my face, soothing the red-hot anger I was feeling. An anger that I had no right to feel. “Sorry,” I said, finally looking at my brother. “He treats women like shit and I can’t stand him.” Sam rolled his eyes and was just about to grab a box, when his phone buzzed again. He pulled it out and read the text, before grinning and passing it to me. Maxwell:Fucking crashed and burned. Did your bro split with her because she’s a lesbian? Rude bitch asked me if I’d got rid of my knob rot. Half the fucking pub heard. I breathed out a sigh of relief and started to laugh. “Typical Amy,” I muttered, giving Sam his phone back. “Yeah,” he replied. “Told you to trust her.” “I suppose I should have. She’s not stupid.” The ache between my eyes thudded a little harder. “Just the thought of him and how he’d treat her.” “Yeah well, it’s not happening, so stop stressing about it. Anyway,” Sam said, hauling the box further into his arms. “Ask yourself this; would you have felt the same if it’d been Mia he was coming on to?” I didn’t respond but narrowed my eyes at him. “Yep, thought so.” With that he walked away toward the garage, leaving me wondering what my answer would be.

A MY aged 28 I couldn’t believe that bloody Maxwell Tanner had the damn cheek to come on to me, while I was having lunch with Rachel. Did the stupid idiot not realise that I knew all about his reputation for being a dick – everyone did, so why on earth would he think that I’d be stupid enough to jump at the chance of making a fool of myself with someone who had a season ticket at the local VD clinic? “What a dick,” I grumbled to Rachel. “I didn’t realise that you knew him personally.” “He used to hang around with Sam. He came around to the flat a couple of times when the three of us lived together.” “I’m surprised Sam hung around with him. I know he’s a bit of a player, but Maxwell Tanner is on another level.” “Apparently, they only became friends when Sam gave up swimming. Elijah’s mum told me once that Sam was a county champion, almost Olympic standard, but when he was nineteen he just gave it up and started partying instead. He was teetotal, in bed before ten every night, before that.” “No way, really?” Rachel looked shocked. I nodded and took a sip of my wine. “Yes, and while he likes to think he’s a player, I’m sure if the right woman came along, he’d be happy to settle down.” “You think?” Rachel asked, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow, scepticism written all over her face. “Yeah, I do. You know he once told me he envied what Elijah and I had. Admittedly, he was a bit pissed at the time, but he still said it.” “Really?” “Hmm, it was just after -.” I stopped, remembering when Sam had given his

confession. The words stopped at my lips as I drew in a breath, trying to steady myself enough to say them. Rachel looked at me expectantly, but as I lifted a hand to my throat, understanding flashed in her eyes. “You okay?” she asked, reaching across the table. “Yeah, I’m fine. It just feels a little painful at times, but it happens to lots of people Rach and it was a long time ago.” “It doesn’t mean you can’t grieve or still feel it.” I let out a long breath. “I know and mostly I’m fine, but sometimes it hits hard. I think going pushchair shopping with Matty and Carla at the weekend brought it all back.” “It was bound to. Offering to buy it must have been hard, never mind actually going into the shop. Apart from which, those things cost a bloody fortune.” She rolled her eyes. “I know how much Mum and Dad paid for the one they bought Ali and Declan.” Ali, Rachel’s sister, had a cute ten month old, Isla, who after one night of babysitting had appeared to have put Rachel and Adam off parenthood for a little while. “I can afford it, so I wanted to do it. I know that they’re going to be okay, but I want to give them as much help as possible. Carla’s parents have been such idiots about it.” “They still don’t want anything to do with her?” “No. They’re so narrow minded and old-fashioned, they’ve told her she’s on her own. Thank god Mum and Dad have been so amazing with them.” Rachel smiled warmly and turned to look over at the bar. “Ooh it looks like Maxwell has already found someone to help him get over you turning him down.” I followed her gaze, to see Maxwell laughing and joking with a blonde girl who appeared to find him extremely interesting. “Maybe I should warn her.” I laughed and watched as she pushed her chest out. “Actually, I’m not sure she’d listen.” I finished my drink and picked up the sweet menu. “You want one?” I asked, waving it at Rachel. “Of course,” she cried with a mock frown. “Fudge brownie with ice cream, please.” It was my turn to roll my eyes, wondering why I’d even bothered asking and got up to go to the bar where I ordered a sweet for each of us. Picking up two more glasses of wine, I turned to go back to Rachel and bumped into a rock-hard body. I managed to hold on to the glasses, and keep my purse tucked under my

arm, but lost a fair amount of the wine down the shirt of the tall, dark haired man standing in front of me. “God, I’m so sorry,” I gasped. “I didn’t see you there.” Blue eyes twinkled as his lips broke into a grin. “Hey, it’s my bad,” the man replied. “I shouldn’t have been standing right behind you. Let me get you a couple more.” I shook my head. “Honestly, it’s fine. I spilled it on you, I should be the one buying you a drink.” “Nope, no way,” he replied, shaking his own head and reaching for the two glasses. “I insist.” “Really, it’s not necessary.” “It really is,” he protested, looking down at me with soft eyes. “Please, I want to.” I sighed and gave the glasses to him with a thin-lipped smile. “Okay, thank you. They’re both Pinot Grigio. I handed him the glasses and then waited, awkwardly looking around the pub, trying to catch Rachel’s attention, who was now messing with her mobile. Finally, the guy turned back to me and handed me two full glasses of wine. “There you go.” “Thank you, although it really wasn’t necessary.” “Like I said, I wanted to.” He ran a hand through his hair and blew out his cheeks. “I’ve had a crap morning so doing a good deed might wipe out any bad vibes that are following me around.” I smiled, noticing how blue and bright his eyes were. “Well I hope your day improves.” “It has already,” he replied. “I’m Leon, by the way.” “Amy. Nice to meet you.” I nodded down to the drinks I was holding. “I’d shake your hand but…” “Yeah, I can see how that’s a problem. It was lovely to meet you Amy and enjoy the rest of your day.” “You too and hopefully the afternoon is better than the morning.” “Well I almost killed my boss, so it can’t get any worse.” I must have looked horrified, because he held his hands up, palms facing me, in surrender. “No, nothing like that. It was an accident. I was backing my car into a space on the staff car park, this morning, and didn’t realise he was behind my car.” “Well,” I said with a grin. “I’d say that was all his fault. He shouldn’t have been standing there.” “Yeah, but maybe I should have looked in the rear-view mirror. Hence why

I’m here, treating him to lunch.” He nodded toward a large, balding man, talking on his phone at a table close to mine and Rachel’s. “But it was an accident.” “Yeah, but I also sat on his sandwiches during our team meeting.” He shrugged, his blue eyes twinkled even brighter, making my stomach do a little flip. Feeling a little weird, I cleared my throat. “Well, I’d better get back to my friend.” “Yeah, I need to order lunch before I get fired. Great meeting you Amy.” I turned to leave and had only taken a couple of steps, when I heard Leon call my name. I turned back to see him looking a little tentative, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t suppose I could have your number, could I? Maybe we could go out for a drink, or…” He winced. “Maybe not?” He looked nervous and unsure, the total opposite of Maxwell Tanner earlier. I wasn’t sure what to say, but then I thought of Elijah and Mia walking through town, holding hands and smiling. “That’d be lovely,” I replied, feeling heat on my cheeks. Leon grinned and with his phone in his hand, took a step toward me, giving me a smile that made my heart beat a little faster.

E LIJAH aged 28 I moved the three pairs of lace knickers from the bathroom radiator, and placed my towel in their place. With red, pink, and black lace screwed into my palm, I looked around for a place for them, finally marching back to the bedroom and adding them to the collection of bras and socks on the radiator in there. Yep, things were going great with Mia moving in. To be fair to her, she’d only been in the house two days and we were still getting used to each other’s habits. She had no idea that I hated seeing washing on the radiators, or that I wiped the toothpaste from the sink as soon as I’d cleaned my teeth, or that I couldn’t stand used teabags being left next to the kettle. It was all new to us and I was sure we’d navigate our way around everything soon enough. I was straightening the duvet, when Mia came into the bedroom. Her eyes were red and she had her mobile clutched to her chest. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked, moving to take her into my arms. “It’s my mum,” she sobbed against my t-shirt. “She’s fallen and been taken to the hospital. They think she’s broken her hip.” “Oh my God.” I gently eased her chin up so I could look at her. “You need to go down there.” She nodded. “I do. She doesn’t have anyone else, she was lucky her neighbour noticed that the curtains were still closed at the lounge window. Mrs Berry has a key, so she let herself in when Mum didn’t answer. She’d been on the floor all night and most of the day, thankfully she was on her way to bed, so she was fully clothed and it’s been mild weather, otherwise it could be much worse.”

“God yeah. Do you want me to take you?” I asked, thinking I’d have to call Marty and get him to hold the fort for a few days. Mia shook her head. “No, I’m going to go by myself. You’ve still got to finish Darren Baker’s garden as well as start the groundwork for that couple in Chester. Plus, I have no idea how long I’ll be there. If she’s broken her hip, she’s going to need help for at least a couple of months.” “A couple of months,” I echoed, my heart dropping. “You could be gone that long?” Mia bit on her bottom lip and nodded. “If it’s not broken then it might only be weeks, but I can’t leave her.” “What about work?” I asked. “I’ll speak to Frank and hopefully he’ll be fine about me working from home. It’s not as though I actually need to be in the office. I can get everything emailed to me and I already have the customer’s accounts in hard copy, so I should be okay for a while.” Mia buried her face in her hands and started to cry. “Hey, come on,” I soothed, pulling her back into a tight hug. “It’ll be fine. Your mum is going to be okay.” “I know,” was her muffled response. “But it’s such a worry and I don’t want to leave you, we’ve only just moved in together.” “I’ll still be here when you get back.” I kissed the top of her head. “And if your mum has an operation, she’ll be in hospital so maybe you can come home for a few days.” Even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t likely. Mia was originally from Barnstaple in Devon, and her mum still lived down there, so it was a hell of a journey to make. “Maybe I could come for a weekend,” I offered, desperately trying to think of which weekend I could make the journey without it affecting work too much. As it was spring time, I was extremely busy and had been working weekends to ensure we didn’t get behind. I’d have to make an effort though, because Mia was right, we’d only just moved in together and being parted so soon, for what could be a couple of months, wasn’t a great way to start the new phase in our relationship. “That would be good,” Mia said, nuzzling against me. “Is there anything else you need me to do?” With a sniff, she looked up at me and she looked so lost, I wanted to hold and squeeze her tight. “Could you unpack the two boxes with the red labels?” she asked tentatively. “Put the books and photographs out – whichever you want, or as many as you

can.” “Of course I can,” I replied, kissing her nose. “Now, you go and get packed and I’ll make you some food and drink for the journey. Do you need me to go and put petrol in your car?” “Would you?” Mia grasped my hand, linking our fingers together. “It would mean I can get on the road pretty much straight away and break the back of it before I need to stop.” I glanced at the bedside clock, it was almost three in the afternoon and she had a four hour journey at least, and that was only if the motorway was clear, which hopefully it would be on a Sunday afternoon. “Okay,” I said, disentangling myself from her. “You do what you need to do, and I’ll sort your car and some food.” “Thank you, Elijah,” Mia said, wiping at her eyes. “I really appreciate it.” “Hey, that’s what boyfriends are for, now get packing.”

* * * As Mia threw her handbag onto the passenger seat of her car, I let out a long sigh, watching her and wondering when she’d be back. I felt bad that she was having to drive hundreds of miles alone, all while worried about her mum. I was worried for her, but I was also worried for us. We were still getting used to living together and weeks apart would only serve to stall things. That scared me, because deep down, I knew our relationship had moved to a place I wasn’t really ready for, but had been too much of a pussy to admit. I was going to miss Mia, of that there was no doubt, but we’d gone from meeting up two or three times a week to moving in together and a tiny part of me was relieved that we’d been given a big, shitty barrier to deal with. I needed to know whether moving Mia in was the right thing to have done and having Sam telling me it wasn’t, was not the best way to come to that conclusion. It was something I had to understand for myself and being apart would certainly give me time to think, because after all, what didn’t break you made you stronger – right? As Mia gave me a gentle smile, I felt like a complete twat for even having an ounce of relief about the situation. She was beautiful and sweet and loved me and I loved her and there really shouldn’t be any doubt in my mind, but I couldn’t help feeling that maybe this would be a good thing. “Don’t forget to stop and take a rest,” I said, pulling Mia into my arms. “And don’t speed. You’ll get there when you get there.”

She giggled and kissed me softly. “Okay, I’ll make sure I stick to the rules.” “Seriously Mia, please be careful.” Her smile dropped and she nodded. “I promise.” “Good.” I kissed her this time and with more urgency than she’d kissed me, wanting to convey how I felt about her, how I’d miss her despite my worries. “I love you,” she whispered against my lips. “I love you too and I’ll miss you.” Because I did and I would. “Call me when you get there.” “I will.” Mia kissed me again and then walked away to her car. I stood on the driveway and waved, until she disappeared around the corner and then I went back inside and closed the front door with a heavy sigh.

A MY aged 22 “My gorgeous wifey,” Elijah slurred as he and Sam flopped down on to the sofa. “Isn’t she gorgeous Sam?” Sam’s head lolled as he looked up at me through extremely heavy eyelids. “She’s alright.” “She’s more than fucking alright,” Elijah cried, poking Sam in the arm. “She’s fucking beautiful.” “What am I supposed to say, dick head? If I agree you’ll punch me in the nuts.” I giggled quietly and got up from the armchair. As I went to move past Elijah, he grabbed my hand. “Where you going, baby?” He started to giggle. “Hah, baby, I meant you, not the baby in your belly.” My hands instinctively went to my stomach, although at only just ten weeks you couldn’t really see that I was pregnant. “I know what you meant,” I said, leaning down to kiss him. “And I’m going to get you both some water.” “I don’t want fucking water,” Sam groaned. “I want alcohol. Get the vodka, Ames.” “No,” I replied, not even looking at him. “You’ve had enough vodka. I don’t want to be mopping up puke from either of you during the night.” “I don’t puke, it’s pansy boy Eli that pukes.” Sam pointed at Elijah with a wavering finger and one eye closed. “I’m not a pansy. I’ve impregnated my wife, it takes a real man to impregnate his woman. Who have you impregnated, eh Samuel?”

Sam flopped his head back against the sofa and growled, “Shut the fuck up.” Elijah started to laugh and flicked at Sam’s ear. Sam then elbowed him in the ribs, causing Elijah to throw a punch at his brother’s stomach, but he was so drunk, he missed and punched the sofa instead. “Okay,” I snapped. “Enough of behaving like children. I’m getting you a pint of water each and you’re going to drink it.” They both started to giggle like little girls, Sam even snorting at one point. By the time I got back with their water they were both fast asleep, snoring like a Wart Hog and a power saw.

* * * At around three in the morning I felt a cold arm wrap around me and cold feet rub against my own. “Elijah,” I hissed. “You’re bloody freezing.” “Sorry,” he whispered into my ear, before kissing my neck. “And you can get that dick away from my arse too,” I sighed, feeling his almost erection press against me. “It’s not like you could do anything with it anyway.” “I could if I really thought about it,” he grumbled, pushing closer to me. I giggled knowing he really couldn’t, not when he’d drunk as much alcohol as he and Sam evidently had earlier. “You really couldn’t. Now go to sleep.” Moving around to get a little comfier, I reached a hand behind me and stroked his face. “Night. Love you.” “Love you more,” Elijah replied, sounding sleepy. With a contented sigh, I closed my eyes and started to drop back to sleep. “Amy,” Elijah suddenly said, his hand splaying across my belly. “Hmm.” “I love you more than you’ll ever know, and I can’t wait until the baby comes.” Feeling my heart flutter, I turned over to face him, looking at his face in the dim light of the room. He looked drowsy and still a little drunk, but to me he looked beautiful. He always had, but with his love for me shining from his gaze, it made his beauty more defined. “I can’t wait either,” I whispered, tracing my finger down his nose. “I know you’re going to be an amazing daddy.” “You think?” he asked, excitement in his voice. “I do. I know it.”

“And you’ll be a gorgeous, sexy, mummy. I can’t wait to see you nursing our baby. I’m so bloody excited about it. Some days it actually makes my stomach ache.” I leaned forward and kissed him softly, loving the little sigh he gave as I did. “No regrets then that we got pregnant so soon after the wedding?” “Not one. I admit it wasn’t what I thought we’d be doing, having a baby at our age. I thought we might travel and buy a house first, but I’m more than happy it’s turned out the way it has. We’ll still be young enough to travel when our kids leave home.” “We’ve not even had this one yet,” I said, placing my hand over his on my stomach. “Nothing wrong in planning. I’m thinking three years between each one.” “Oh you are? And how many times do you plan on impregnating me, as you put it?” Elijah laughed softly and mused on my question for a few seconds. “I think,” he finally said, “maybe four times.” “Just the four?” I asked on a laugh. “Yep and if you weren’t already impregnated with my super swimmers, I’d impregnate you now.” “Believe me love, I doubt you’d be able to get it in, in your current state. Your super swimmers are probably pissed too, you’ve had so much alcohol.” “Want me to prove it?” he asked, his words slurred now with sleep rather than vodka. “Maybe tomorrow,” I soothed, kissing his forehead. “Now close your eyes and it’ll soon be morning.” “I’m not five you know.” Elijah gave a little moan and snuggled closer and within seconds his breathing was heavy, followed by gentle snores. I gave him one last kiss and then closed my own eyes and thinking about how amazing our future was going to be, fell into a deep sleep next to the man I loved more than anything.

A MY aged 28 I wasn’t totally sure that I was doing the right thing, but I was going on a date with Leon. He’d called me a couple of days after we’d met and we had talked for almost an hour. He was funny and sweet and interesting, talking about his job in pharmaceuticals, his love of music, particularly nineties dance music, and his obsession with Laurel & Hardy – okay that one I could take or leave, but I was still interested in what he had to say. “Wow,” Leon said as I got out of the taxi I’d insisted on taking to meet him. “You look amazing.” I’d worn skinny jeans and a floaty top and felt a little embarrassed. I’d made an effort with my makeup and hair, but the clothes I’d had for ages and were nothing special. “Thank you,” I replied with a smile. “You look nice too.” And he did. He wore grey trousers which were fairly snug and a long-sleeved white polo shirt, which emphasised his broad chest. He wasn’t as muscular as Elijah, but it was evident that he worked out. Mentally slapping myself around the face for even thinking about Elijah, I smiled and walked toward Leon, giving him a big smile. “Shall we?” he said, indicating to the bar. I nodded and followed him in. It was an out of town bar but very popular, judging by the number of cars on the car park. However, despite it being fairly full inside it was quiet, everyone talking with hushed voices, as Billie Holiday played softly in the background. There were candles everywhere and the smell of sandalwood was dominant, but not too strong, and all the tables were tall high-tops, with stools to sit on.

“It’s lovely,” I said, turning to Leon. “I’ve never been before,” he admitted with a grin. “But I heard they served amazing pork scratchings with every round of drinks.” I started to giggle as I saw the excitement on his face. “I’d have bought you a packet at The Miller if I’d known.” “I know, stupid reason to want to come to a bar, but apart from the snacks, I’d heard it was a really nice place.” I looked around and nodded. “Yes, it is. Good choice.” We found a table and as soon as I was settled on a stool, Leon went to the bar to get our drinks. I felt a little anxious, because although I’d had my little fling with Finlay in Scotland, this was the first proper ‘first date’ I’d been on in years. I fell into bed with Finlay after too much wine at dinner, and as for Seb, we’d hooked up the first time on a work’s night out. The last first date I’d had was with Elijah and that thought brought a wave of sadness. Banishing the memory, I pulled on a smile as Leon returned. “No pork scratchings?” I asked. “No,” he cried. “They’ve run out. I told the guy behind the bar, I’d only brought you here for the pork.” My eyes widened as Leon looked back at me in complete horror. “Shit, no I didn’t mean that. I meant-.” “Leon,” I replied, placing a hand on his arm. “It’s fine, I know exactly what you meant.” “Sorry,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. “I’m a little bit nervous.” That surprised me because Leon seemed so confident. He held himself straight, walked tall, and his expensive suit he’d been wearing in the pub when we met, was one that screamed success – well tailored and fit to perfection. “You’re not are you?” He nodded. “Yeah, I really am. You’re gorgeous Amy, and seem lovely. I don’t want to mess this up.” There was a vulnerability in his tone as his eyes searched my face. I smiled and hoped it was what he was looking for. “Well, you’re doing okay so far,” I replied softly. “And I promise you, there is no need to be nervous around me, I’m really not that great.” “Ah,” Leon said, pulling his stool a little closer. “I think you’re wrong. I think you are that great.” “You don’t know me well enough to say that, Leon.” He shrugged. “I’m a great judge of character.” I let out a small laugh and took a sip of my wine to avoid having to tell him I wasn’t, because if I was, I’d have listened to Elijah five years ago and not run

away. But, that was behind me now, I was going to enjoy my first date with Leon. “Okay,” I said, sitting up straight and placing my palms on the table. “Let’s play twenty questions and get to know each other.” Leon raised his brow and put his drink down. “You’re on. You first.”

* * * “I’m surprised you didn’t get arrested.” I held my side from laughing at Leon’s tale of having to run home naked after his friends had pinched his clothes when they’d gone skinny dipping in the park lake. We’d finished our twenty questions and had been enjoying chatting for over an hour. Leon was funny and interesting and I was enjoying myself. “I did see a police car,” Leon answered, “so I hid behind a bush. I did think the old lady, whose garden the bush was in, would probably call them, but I didn’t hang around to find out.” “Well, I’ve never done anything that scandalous,” I replied, running a finger around the rim of my wine glass. “I’ve always been a good girl.” “Oh come on, you must have some skeletons in your cupboard.” I shook my head. “Honestly, I don’t.” Not unless you counted me and Elijah having sex in the school sick bay, or me and Elijah having sex in my auntie June’s downstairs loo while everyone sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to her on the other side of the door, or me and Elijah-. “I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Leon replied, breaking through my memories. “So, you said you were divorced five years ago, has there been no one serious since?” “No,” I sighed, wondering at myself for actually telling Leon that I’d been married – it had been one of his twenty questions though, so I couldn’t lie. “I dated someone for a couple of months when I lived in London, but that’s all it was – dating.” I thought back to Seb, who’d evidently wanted more, and realised now that I probably led him on a little bit. I ended things so quickly after he’d mentioned a holiday together, the poor guy must have wondered what on earth he’d done wrong. The point was, he hadn’t; I hadn’t been ready to lay my heart open to the possibility of more heartache. “And you’ve never married,” I stated, wanting to move the subject away from my love life. Leon shook his head. “No. Never found the right person. I thought I had, but

when we had an argument one time, she smashed up all my Laurel & Hardy DVDs.” I looked at Leon’s face and burst out laughing. He looked devastated. “I’m sorry,” I replied around my laughter. “You look heartbroken and I think it’s more about the DVDs than finding out she wasn’t the one.” “Yeah, of course,” he cried, both his brows arching. “They were my pride and joy.” I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to stem my laughter. “Sorry, it must have been awful for you.” “It was. I almost cried.” My eyes widened as I looked at him, all of a sudden wondering whether we actually had enough in common for another date. I coughed nervously and shifted on my stool, but as I did, Leon started to laugh, deep from within his chest. “Your face,” he chuckled. “I know exactly what you were thinking, ‘what the hell have I let myself in for?’ You were, weren’t you?” “No,” I retorted a little too quickly. “You little liar.” Leon grinned at me and his eyes creased at the corners. “I didn’t really cry. I was bloody fuming with her and realised that someone who could do that, probably wasn’t a very nice person.” I had to agree with him there. “It is a pretty nasty thing to do. How many were there?” “About thirty.” “Did you manage to replace them?” I asked, feeling bad for laughing. “Yes, they do a boxset now with all of them in, so it wasn’t much of hardship to replace them. It wasn’t the DVDs as such, like I said it was the fact that she would do it, knowing how long it had taken me to collect them all.” “Well, at least you found out before you asked her to marry you.” “Yeah, I guess. That’s what’s really sad, I had been thinking about it, looking at rings, you know.” Leon didn’t look too upset about the girl, but I could sense that not getting his happy ever after, was hard for him. “You ever see her around?” I ask, thinking about how difficult I found it now I was back in town, seeing Elijah. “No, she moved away, but I see her sister occasionally. Apparently, she’s on her second husband. The first left her for someone else, but her sister reckons the new husband is a good guy.” “Hopefully her temper has calmed down,” I offered. “Hopefully.” Leon nodded. “Or maybe I just wasn’t the right one for her

either. Anyway, less of this misery, talking about our exes. Let’s talk about our next date.” His gaze was steady as he waited for my response. My own eyes drew to a twitch in his jaw and then to his lips, the top one being slightly fuller than the bottom one and I felt a desire to kiss them. Quickly looking up to his eyes, I nodded. “Yes, lets, I’m looking forward to it already.” Leon leaned forward, gave me a soft kiss on my cheek and it felt good. I wanted this and for the first time in a long time, was excited for what was to come.

E LIJAH aged 28 Mia had been with her mum for almost two weeks, and I was miserable. We spoke on the phone every day, and I missed her – well I had at first, but for the last week I’d realised that I was enjoying having my time to myself, and not having to think about whether I should really leave it three days before I saw her, or whether I was in the mood to invite her over, knowing she’d want to stay. Plus, although she’d only been living in my house for two days before she left for her mum’s, I was glad to get my space back again. There were no more knickers strewn over the radiators, the kitchen and bathroom were clean and I didn’t feel guilty about going running for an hour every night. Not that Mia had ever said anything, but the two nights she’d been in the house, I’d seen the disappointment that she’d tried to hide with a smile, when I said I was going out for an hour or so. It also meant I didn’t feel guilty about Sam, Lucas, and Alex coming around to watch the Boxing on the TV, and get a takeaway curry. Mia didn’t really like boxing, she thought it a bit too violent and curry gave her heartburn, so it was another guilt free evening. And so, there was the reason for my misery – I wanted to go back to seeing her two or three times a week, and was dreading her coming back. I realised I should have manned up and told her at the time, me asking her to move in hadn’t actually been that. It had been me being a dick to my dick of a brother and poor Mia had gotten the wrong end of the stick. “When’s Mia back?” Alex asked, pouring himself a beer. “No idea,” I sighed. “Her mum’s hip is broken, so unless they employ a nurse, she’ll need to stay there until Val is back on her feet.”

“She could always come and stay here,” Lucas said, literally with his tongue in his cheek. “Oh you’re so fucking funny,” I grumbled as I threw a can to Sam. “I think the fact that he doesn’t actually want Mia here, kind of negates that idea,” Sam chipped in. “Shut the fuck up, Sam. I never said that.” I gave my brother a stare that would make most men piss their pants, but not Samuel. No, he had balls bigger than most men I knew, and he still managed to make me feel like the little brother without even trying. “You didn’t have to,” he replied, popping his can open. “Your face says it all every time she’s mentioned.” “I’m not having this fucking conversation with you again.” I snatched up a can for myself and opening up, swallowed down a huge gulp. “Well I think you should. It’s your fucking life you prick. Why be saddled with someone who you don’t even love?” Alex sucked in a breath, while Lucas groaned. “I do love her.” “Yeah, but not enough little brother. Not like you should do.” “I’ve got to admit,” Alex said, flopping back onto the sofa. “You’re not the same with her as you were with you know who.” “You can say her damn name, Al.” I ran a hand over my head and sighed. “Look where it got me, loving Amy that much – no-fucking-where, that’s where.” “But you did-.” “Lucas,” I snapped, stopping him mid-sentence. “Don’t even say what I think you’re going to say.” “Luc is right,” Alex said loftily. “You got caught with your boxers down, so it was kinda your fault.” “How many fucking times. Lauren took advantage of me.” My hand gripped the can of beer so tightly, I felt it crumple slightly, the metal digging into my palm. “We know,” Sam sighed. “We believe you, don’t we, guys?” Sam looked pointedly at Lucas and Alex, silently warning them. “Of course we fucking do,” Lucas said. “He knows that and knows that I’m just pulling his chain. Don’t you Eli?” I nodded. I did know it, but when he joked about not believing me, it pissed me off. We’d talked about it many times over the years and all three of them had supported me, Lucas had even been to see Amy’s parents, begging them to get her to talk to me, but they wouldn’t listen, only caring about how heartbroken

their daughter was. “Can we change the subject?” I asked. “I just want to have a good night, some beers, a curry and the boxing – okay?” They all nodded or grunted as we settled back for the evening.

* * * By the time the boxing finished at two in the morning, Alex and Lucas were passed out and it was just me and Sam still drinking beer and picking at left over poppadum. “You leaving them there?” Sam asked, pointing at the two men lying prone on either end of my sofa. “Yeah, I’ll get a blanket from upstairs.” “I’m surprised there’s not some nice, girly throw in here already.” “Not happening.” “Oh it will brother, believe me. She’ll have all her nice little knick-knacks in here before you even have time to scratch your arse. Thought they might be in here already. Didn’t you say she’d asked you to unpack a couple of boxes?” “Yeah she did.” I flicked the TV over trying to find something to distract us, finally settling on another repeat of The Office. “And why haven’t you?” Sam asked, once I’d put the remote down. I snapped my head in his direction, totally irritated by him. “What?” “Why haven’t you unpacked the boxes that Mia asked you to unpack?” “Does it matter?” I grumbled. Sam thought about it for a second. “No, not really, just seems strange you’ve had two weeks and still not unpacked them.” “What fucking point are you trying to make here, doctor fucking psychobabble?” “Didn’t say I was.” Sam grinned at me. “Don’t fucking mess with me, Sam. What the hell point are you trying to make?” “Seems to me you haven’t unpacked them, because you don’t actually want to unpack them, because you don’t actually want her here and you need to manthe-fuck-up, Eli. You need to tell that girl not to come back here.” My blood thundered in my ears as I looked at my brother, wanting to fucking punch him in the throat. With the tempo of my heart speeding up, I moved to the edge of my seat and pointed at him. “Where the fuck do you get off telling me how I feel, or what I should or

shouldn’t say to my own girlfriend?” “Because I’m your bloody brother, man. I love you and I want what’s best for you, and pretending that you love Mia when you still love Amy, is not what’s best for you. You can’t deny that she moved in here on the wrong end of a conversation. There was no way you’d have asked her if she hadn’t misinterpreted what was said. The relief you’re feeling that she’s not here is fucking obvious, Eli. You’re more relaxed, your shoulders aren’t hunched under your fucking ears, and I haven’t once seen you pinch between your eyes.” I looked at him incredulously. Yes, that was a habit of mine when I was stressed, but I didn’t do it when Mia was around, I was sure I didn’t. “I don’t do that around Mia,” I protested. “Yeah you do, bro,” Sam sighed. “You don’t realise it, but you do. I’m not saying you don’t like her, you do – you may even think that you love her, and maybe you do, but is it really that gut-clenching, all consuming, heart squeezing love that you felt for Amy?” I breathed in and out deeply, my nostrils flaring as I watched my brother. “Eli, just fucking be honest with yourself, bro. If you feel all those things, well great, but if you don’t, please don’t waste your life on a relationship that doesn’t fulfil you. One that’s safe, just because you’re too fucking scared.” “Scared,” I hissed, glancing at Lucas as he stirred on the sofa. “What the fuck do I have to be scared of?” “You’re scared that your damn soulmate might just break your heart again, and that’s stopping you going out there,” he said as he pointed toward the window, “and making her listen to you when you tell her you never have and never would cheat on her, because you fucking love that women with everything you have Eli. You have since you were seventeen years old, and you have to make her believe that.” I reared back in my chair, staring at my brother whose eyes were wild with emotion. His biceps were tensed and his body taut as he inclined toward me, vehemently urging me to talk to Amy. I’d never seen him so agitated or emotional, not even when our grandad died. “Sam, what the hell-.” “I don’t want you to lose her, Eli. You’ve been without her for five years and it’s changed you from the happy, joyful brother I used to have.” “I haven’t changed,” I protested. “Yes you have, Eli. Yes you fucking have, and being with Mia isn’t going to bring my brother back, but being with Amy will.” “And what if that’s not what she wants?” I asked.

Sam shook his head. “Of course she does. She never stopped loving you, it’s just Lauren Proctor did a fucking number on both of you. Amy was already in a bad headspace, she was emotional and fucking heartbroken already – Lauren just made sure it was well and truly annihilated.” I swallowed and took a deep breath as the cruel hand of memories reached inside of me, grabbed my heart, and twisted it. Those last few months of our marriage were full of some of the worst times in my life. Hideous memories that I tried hard to never let filter through. “Think about what she’d gone through a few months before. Both of you were only just starting to mend, finally you were getting there, but the pain was still evident in your face, Elijah. So if you were still feeling it, think what Amy must have been going through. That baby had been growing inside her, she was the one that went through it all. I know you held her hand every step of the way, and I know it was your baby too, but she was the one carrying it and she was the one who was supposed to be protecting it.” I opened my mouth to object, but Sam held his hand up to stop me. “I’m not saying she didn’t, or that it was her fault, it wasn’t, it was fucking nature in all its horrible glory, but that’s how Amy would have seen it. That’s why, when she saw what she saw that night, all logic went out of the window. Lauren screwed her over, but a sensible Amy, one who wasn’t in pain or full of guilt, would have stopped, screamed, and realised you were too fucking drunk to get it up, never mind have sex with the woman who’d made it her life’s mission to take you from her. It was the final straw for her already fragile heart, Eli. Yes, she should have listened to you, but she didn’t. No, she shouldn’t have run away to fucking London, but she did. And now she’s back. She’s calmer and healed, and even more important, I know she still loves you.” “Sam,” I groaned, rubbing a hand over my face. “I don’t know whether that’s true and I can’t risk telling her and have her tell me to fuck off, again.” “Grow a fucking pair,” a groggy voice croaked from the sofa. Sam and I looked at Lucas, who was pulling himself into a sitting position. “Sam’s right, Eli,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “She loves you and you love her, so go and fucking tell her.” I looked between my brother and friend, deciding I must be in a parallel universe where Sam and Lucas were relationship counsellors. Yes, they normally took the piss out of me and had digs about Mia, but this was on another level. “One thing you’re forgetting,” I said. “I have a girlfriend and for all I know Amy has a boyfriend.” “Well, you won’t know if you don’t ask, will you?” Sam said. Lucas looked at me expectantly and I knew they were right. I’d never know,

if I didn’t ask.

E LIJAH aged 22 As I led Amy into the apartment, the heat in the place was stifling. There was a chill in the air, but it wasn’t so cold that the heating needed to be on so high. Sam probably thought he was doing the right thing. There was no sign of him, so I guessed he’d made himself scarce. “Do you want to lie down on the bed, or get on the sofa?” I asked, pushing some of Amy’s hair away from her sticky, tear-stained face. “I don’t mind,” she replied with a shrug. “Sofa, I suppose.” “Okay, ba-.” I stopped myself from saying the word that I thought might break the thin thread that Amy was hanging on by, since we’d found out our baby had died. We were three days away from our twelve week scan when Amy began to have terrible stomach cramps and bleeding, and within hours, our world fell apart. The nurse on the phone told us to get to A&E as soon as possible, but to try not to worry. We didn’t speak on the ten minute journey over there, or while we sat in the waiting room for almost an hour because three car crash victims had come in. Finally, a nurse called us through and only ten minutes later we knew, our baby was gone; there was no heartbeat. I held Amy’s hand the whole time, gripping it so tightly that she winced a little, but when I moved mine away, she quickly pulled it back. As the doctor talked to us, everything seemed a blur, and I knew what people meant when they described something as dreamlike. That was how if felt; voices were distorted, faces were blurred, and I was desperate to wake up. Then, as the nurse passed us both a tissue, Amy doubled over. At first I thought it was with grief, but when she cried out and nearly fell from the bed, the doctor explained that it was

probably the final stages. Two hours later, Amy had another scan and it was all over. According to the doctor, it had been a complete miscarriage; there was no pregnancy tissue left, so no need for any further procedure, we were simply sent home with instructions on what might happen and for Amy to make an appointment to see her doctor. I’d called Sam and our parents and told them, repeating like a robot what the doctor had said. When my mum broke down, I almost lost it, so when Amy’s mum did too, I slid down the wall crying like a child, unable to get any further words out. They’d all wanted to come to the hospital or to the apartment, but I’d urged them not to, telling them we needed to be alone. As I settled Amy on the sofa, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and looked down at it. Sam: Hey Eli. I’m staying at mum and dads tonight. I turned the heating up and got you some Chinese food in case either of you feel like eating. It’s in the fridge. I’m so sorry bro. I know how much you both wanted this. Mum says call if you need anything. Love you both. I put the phone back without responding and got onto the sofa with Amy. As soon as I was settled, I took her hand and pulled it gently. “Come here,” I whispered. She nodded as she chewed her lip, looking up at me with thick tears brimming at her eyelashes. She crawled between my legs and wrapping an arm around my waist, she laid her cheek on my chest. Despite the warmth of the flat, I grabbed a throw off the back of the sofa and put it over us, cocooning us together. “I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice quiet and broken. “Hey,” I replied, lifting her chin so our eyes met. “Don’t say that. You have nothing to be sorry for. It happened and not because of anything you or I did or didn’t do, you understand that?” “But she was inside me, Elijah. I was the one who was supposed to take care of her.” I winced at her calling the baby a she. We had no idea really, but Amy was positive that we were having a little girl and the last week or so had started to call her Pinky Boo, telling me it was a lovely name to call our first child. Obviously we weren’t going to, but Amy loved to make me squirm. “And you did that job perfectly,” I said, taking in a shaky breath. “There was something wrong that neither of us could know about.”

“What if it was because I forgot to take my folic acid? I didn’t take it twice last week.” “It won’t be that. The doctor said, these things happen for no particular reason before twelve weeks.” “We were so close,” she whispered, wrapping her arm tighter around me. I kissed the top of her head and fought back the words, ‘we can try again’, because I wouldn’t want to hear them, so why on earth would Amy. “I know, and I wish things could have been different.” Amy shifted as she looked up at me. “How are you feeling?” she asked, running a finger down my nose. “You’ve been taking care of me, but what about you?” I swallowed and closed my eyes. I couldn’t lie to her, that wasn’t what we were about. Amy and I were honest with each other, no matter what. “I’m fucking heartbroken. I want to wake up and it all be a fucking horrible nightmare. I want to scream and shout and ask why us, why our baby. I want to wrap you up and keep you safe and I just want for everyone to stay away until we’ve had time to grieve.” I looked down at her, tears dripping from the end of my nose. “I want our baby back.” Amy let out a sob and crashed her lips to mine, whispering her love and sorrow as our tears mingled together. We lay on the sofa together all night, barely sleeping until finally at around dawn, we both drifted into our own nightmares and dreams, but still clinging to each other for comfort. It was the worst time in my life and the only comfort was my beautiful wife in my arms, the place where during the early hours, she’d promised to always stay, no matter what.

A MY aged 28 The warm spring weather had broken and the rain had pelted down for two days, thankfully though, it had finally abated with the sun shining through the clouds. It seemed pretty fitting, seeing as I was walking through the park on my way to the old chestnut tree right on the far perimeter, to lay some flowers there. When we lost the baby, Elijah and I walked here every day for over a week, just to be able to have some time alone, away from our family and friends who were trying hard to be supportive, but not really knowing what to do or say. We eventually agreed that we would go back one last time and place some flowers there. On that last day I took a bunch of daisies with me and we agreed we wouldn’t go back until the baby’s due date, and would return every year. It was with a lot of guilt and sadness that I’d missed them while I’d been in London, but I’d always bought a small bunch of flowers and laid them in a park near to wherever I was. As my feet padded across the damp grass, I drew in a deep breath, scared at how I was going to feel being back there. Elijah and I had been grieving for our lost child when we were last at the tree, but we’d also been stronger than ever as a couple, or so I thought. We’d clung to each other, not wanting to be apart and holding each other all night, every night. We were aware that miscarriages happened to a lot of people, and one stupid bitch of a woman who knew my mum, who saw us in the supermarket one day, even said at eleven weeks it wasn’t even a baby yet. Elijah had had to hold me back from slapping her. I was so angry and screamed that she was a heartless bitch. Could she not see our devastation? Did she not understand it didn’t matter how far along I was, or how young we were, or how we had plenty of time to try

again – we’d lost a piece of our future. Our baby was gone, with all our hopes and dreams for the family we were going to be. Elijah held me up during those first dark weeks, we held each other up and guided each other through the myriad of emotions that hit us like a train on a daily basis. He was my rock and yet I forgot it all the night I walked in on him and Lauren; the night that a few drinks brought my world crashing down even heavier than before. Trying not to give it anymore of my time, I walked the final steps to the tree. As I laid a palm against its rough trunk and looked up through the branches and leaves to the weak sun peeking through the clouds, I felt a small sense of peace. Neither Elijah nor I had any other affiliation to it, other than it seemed to be our beacon on every walk we took in the first few weeks after our lives were shattered. Now though, being there, I knew it was where I would always feel close to my baby. I’d always joked it was a girl and called her Pinky Boo, which Elijah hated, but we never knew. When we talked into the early hours, we decided that we couldn’t just keeping calling it the baby, but the more we talked, the more it became a little boy whom we called Dylan. A little boy who we decided would have had my amber coloured eyes, but Elijah’s dark hair and his nose, without the little bump. He would have grown up to be a gardener like his daddy, but would have been an amazing lead guitarist in a band and the girls would have loved him. I told my dad once, about how we talked about Dylan and his life, he thought it was maudlin and not healthy, but it really helped us both and somehow eased some of the pain; for the duration of our conversations at least. With a sigh, I bent to place the pretty primroses I’d bought from the local florist on the grass and then kissed my fingers and placed them on the trunk. “Sleep tight,” I whispered, closing my eyes and taking in the silence. “Hey,” a quiet voice said behind me. Startled, I turned quickly. “Eli.” “You brought primroses.” He nodded toward the flowers and then held up his own. “Great minds.” I smiled at the bunch of matching flowers in his hand, but I could tell instantly his were not shop bought. “Your dad’s garden?” I asked. Elijah looked down at the flowers and grinned. “Yeah. It was these or daffodils, which were probably more fitting for a name like Dylan, being Welsh.” “I guess so,” I said around a quiet laugh. “So, you come every year?”

Elijah nodded. “I always come alone, it gives me time to think.” “I never forgot,” I replied, feeling the need to explain. “I just went to a different park, but it was never the same.” Elijah crouched and placed his flowers next to mine. He looked up at me and gave me a soft smile. “He’d be five today, already at school.” “Yes, he would.” I looked across the park, trying to swallow the ball that had formed in my throat. A few people were walking dogs and there was a man trying to teach his little girl to ride a bike down the path on the perimeter of the park. They all seemed happy and carefree, but who knew what misery was going on in their own lives. “You not working today?” I asked Elijah, turning back to him. “No, I always take this day off.” His admission surprised me, I’d assumed that he would always remember, but not still visit the park or the tree. Although, if I was honest with myself, I should have known that he’d still feel it as hard. He’d been as grief-stricken as I had been. It had hit him just as hard. “What about you?” he asked, picking up a twig from the ground. “Claudia and I are going to see a client later this afternoon, so I thought I’d take this morning off. I think Claudia thinks I’ve got a hangover.” Elijah laughed, discarding the twig. “You out last night?” “No, but she much prefers to make things up in her head than actually believe the truth.” We both grinned. “Yeah, I kind of got that she was a bit…well, that you have a strange kind of working relationship.” “We do, but I like her and she’s really good at her job.” Elijah rose to his full height and shoved his hands into the pockets of his light jacket. “I guess I’d better go.” “Please don’t, if you want to stay, I’m going anyway.” I instinctively placed a hand on his arm and then quickly pulled it away, as if I’d been shocked. “Sorry, I’ll…well, I’ll get going.” Elijah licked his lips and swallowed hard. “You fancy a coffee?” he asked. “The park café is open.” He nodded toward the Swiss Chalet type building painted in black and white. My breath caught in my lungs as I thought about spending some time with him. I was supposed to have moved on, yet the possibility of being with Elijah alone, even if it was in café full of people, thrilled me. I nodded. “That would be lovely.”

As we walked to the café, I told myself we were simply spending some time to pay tribute to our baby that we’d lost. It didn’t mean anything else. It wasn’t going to lead to anything because Elijah had Mia and I was starting a new relationship with Leon. The problem was, as Elijah walked beside me, I wanted for all the world to take his hand in mine, just as we did when we walked this park over five years ago.

E LIJAH aged 28 As we made our way over to the café, I couldn’t help but steal sly looks at Amy. The weather was a little cooler than it had been and she was wearing a tan leather jacket that stopped at her waist, with boots the same colour over her dark skinny jeans. With her hair hanging loose over her shoulders and down her back, she looked gorgeous and I could see glimpses of the seventeen year old girl I’d fallen in love with – the flashing, amber eyes and thick swathe of swishing hair made my chest and fucking jeans a whole lot tighter. Taking a deep breath, I thought of Mia and my stomach knotted. I needed to remember that I’d made a commitment to her and thinking about Amy in any other way than a friend, a friendly ex, wasn’t fair to my girlfriend. “It’s gone a little cooler,” I said, zipping up my jacket. “Yeah,” Amy replied. “Although, it’s supposed to be getting warmer later in the week.” We looked at each other and grinned. “Shit, you’d think we were total strangers.” I shook my head and groaned. “Let’s start again. How you doing?” “Well, that’s not much better.” Amy laughed and shook her head. “It’s either that or ask you how work is going, so at least asking about you might spark a conversation.” We laughed together and continued walking, chatting about life in general. The atmosphere was relaxed, but when we sat at an outside table with our coffees, it changed. We looked out across the park and the chestnut tree was in our line of vision. Both spotting it at the same time, the air suddenly filled with emotion and pain.

“Do you really think he’d have been in a band?” Amy asked, wrapping her hands around her coffee mug. “Neither of us are musical, so I wonder why we ever thought Dylan would be.” Her smile was bright, but I could see the pain behind her eyes. I recognised it, because it resembled my own whenever I thought of our baby. Losing it had hit us both harder than I would have ever expected. Five years and we were still in pain. Maybe it had affected us so deeply because it was the beginning of the end for us, I had no idea, all I knew was my heart still ached for the child that we both wanted so badly. “He’d have had our amazing genes,” I replied. “He’d have been brilliant at everything.” Amy gave me a dazzling smile and this time it seemed genuine, without any grief behind it. “I agree,” she said, nodding and looking into the distance. “He would have been a handsome little devil too.” “Obviously, because he’d have looked like me.” Amy’s head snapped my way and she stared at me wide-eyed. “Ego much.” I burst out laughing and smoothed a hand over my shaven head. “Well you know it’s hard to ignore when you’re this good looking.” “I totally understand,” Amy sighed. “I mean, you could actually be a model.” I grinned and felt a surge of pride, or maybe that ego she’d mentioned, when I noticed her blush and squirm a little in her chair. I still affected her as much as she affected me, and while I liked the idea, I wasn’t sure it was a good thing. “How are Matty and his girlfriend doing?” I asked, veering us toward a safer conversation. “Oh, they’re fine,” Amy replied brightly. “Absolutely thrilled by it all, considering their age and circumstances.” “What are they, twenty-one?” “Yeah, almost twenty-two, but they’re ready. It’s what they want and I know they’re going to be fantastic parents.” I wanted to say like we would have been, but the similarities with Amy and I were too much and I didn’t want to bring the mood down again. “Did you say they’re living with your mum and dad?” Amy nodded. “Yes, until they get enough money together for a deposit. They’re saving as much as they can, so we’re helping them as much as we can. Mum and Dad have bought them a load of stuff; nappies, clothes, a cot, and I bought them a pushchair.” “Wow, that’s really generous of you,” I replied, remembering how we’d

priced a few up for when we were ready to buy one. I’d wanted to get one straight away, but Amy had wanted to wait – something about it being bad luck. Turns out, it really wouldn’t have made any difference. I looked at Amy to see her playing with a packet of sugar. She looked uncomfortable again and I guessed it was the talk of babies – I’d been a dick to assume Matty and his girlfriend was a safe subject after talking about Dylan. I searched my brain for another safe subject, when Amy spoke. “I saw you actually.” I looked at her, wondering what she meant. “When I was buying the pushchair,” she explained. “You were walking past the shop with your girlfriend.” “Oh, okay.” Amy swallowed and then gave me a small smile, which barely moved her lips. “She’s very pretty; your girlfriend.” I shifted in my seat, not sure what to say. If I agreed, I’d probably sound like a boastful dick and if I didn’t, I’d sound like an undeserving dick. “Mia,” I said instead. “Her name is Mia.” When Amy took in a long breath, I wished I’d gone for being a deaf dick, who thought she’d said the gardens looked pretty. “What about you, are you seeing anyone?” Why the fuck had I thought that was the best question to change the conversation with? Shit, I didn’t want to hear her fucking response. If she said a name, I knew I’d want to damn well hunt him down and punch him, but if she didn’t say a name, or told me she was single I’d end up thinking all sorts of stupid ideas that I had no right thinking. Amy shrugged and screwed her nose up. Her usual tell for when she wasn’t sure how to answer something. Fuck, I wanted to kill the guy, not just punch him. “I’ve had a couple of dates,” she lied. I knew it was a lie, because her gaze darted from me to the chestnut tree. I needed to know why she was lying – to save my feelings or her own? “Ah, okay, so how did you meet?” Why the hell I was putting myself through such torture, I had no idea, but someone up above felt sorry for me and wanted to stop the pain because both mine and Amy’s phones started to ring at the same time. We looked at each other with matching expressions of amazement before looking down at our mobiles. Mia.

With my finger hovering over the reject button, I looked over at Amy’s phone. Leon – stupid fucking name. Looking up into her eyes, I willed Amy to reject the call. I wanted to ignore Mia, wanting to spend more time with my ex-wife. My girlfriend was hundreds of miles away, I hadn’t seen her for almost a month, yet talking to Amy was all I could think about. As our phones continued to ring, I held my breath, waiting and watching. When Amy’s stopped my eyes dropped from her face to her phone, to see her finger on the red reject option to the screen. Letting out a huge breath, I did the same, my eyes never leaving Amy’s brandy coloured mirrors to her soul.

E LIJAH aged 22 It had been almost two months since we’d lost the baby, and things were gradually getting back to normal. Normal if you called the huge lump of grief sitting in your gut, normal. Normal if listening to your wife cry while taking a bath, normal. Normal if not seeing joy and laughter in her eyes any longer, normal. Otherwise, we were getting on with life as usual. There was a little more urgency when we had sex; after having a six week check-up, Amy had become insatiable. At first, I wondered whether she was desperately trying to get pregnant again, but when I broached the subject, she was adamant that we waited for a couple of years before we tried again. Do the things we planned before our little surprise had come along. Which was why we were at an indoor ski slope, getting some practice in for the skiing holiday that Amy and Rachel wanted to organise. Rachel, Amy, and I had been skiing with the sixth form, when we were eighteen, but none of us had skied since. Adam, Rachel’s boyfriend, was pretty good, having been a few times, and I was okay. I wouldn’t be doing any black runs, but I was able to stay on my feet and get from the top to the bottom without too much trouble. Amy and Rachel, however, weren’t so good. Amy had been on her backside far more often than she was on her feet, but she was handling it like a champ, unlike Rachel who was almost crying with the frustration of having not only a bruised arse, but bruised pride too. “Don’t let her see you laughing,” Adam said, at the same time as he turned his head to laugh. “Oh fuck,” I cried. “Move. Amy is coming straight for us.”

Adam and I jumped out of the way, just in time as Amy bowled through us and a group of kids, scattering us like a set of ten pins at a bowling alley. “Oi,” one of the kids shouted. “You nearly killed us.” Adam and I roared laughing, our eyes still on Amy, as she squealed before catching her skis together and flying arse over tit. “Oh shit,” I groaned. “I’d better go and help her up.” “Yeah and I’ll get mine.” Adam nodded to Rachel, who was rolling onto her side, desperately trying to untangle her legs and skis. “You want to call it a day, Ames?” I asked, holding a hand out to my gorgeous, but totally uncoordinated, wife. She blew up at the hair in her eyes and grinned. “I think I’m actually improving.” I looked behind me to see a couple of kids who were rubbing their arms or backs where they’d fallen and burst out laughing. “What?” Amy asked. “You nearly massacred a whole class of eleven year olds. I’m not sure that’s improving.” “There you go,” she stated, taking my hand, allowing me to pull her up. “I only nearly killed them. An hour ago, I’m sure an ambulance would have been needed for at least one of them.” As she got to her feet inches from me, I dropped a kiss to her nose. “Even so, I think we’ve done enough for one day. We can come back again. Although,” I said pointing at Rachel who now had Adam pulled on top of her, “I’m not sure Rachel will have as much enthusiasm as she did for a skiing holiday. My guess is they’ll be suggesting a beach one instead.” Amy looked over at her friend and started to giggle. “Hmm, you might be right. We could still go though, couldn’t we?” I shrugged. “If you want to, but we can’t afford both.” Amy thought about it for a couple of seconds, looked over to Rachel, down to her skis and then back to me. “A beach holiday it is.” “Thank fuck for that,” I replied with a grin. “Because I’m not sure we have enough money to pay for the number of practice sessions you’d need and the holiday.” Amy tried to look affronted, smacking a hand against my chest, but as soon as I threaded my fingers through her hair and kissed her, she soon melted against me. “I love you,” she whispered as we pulled apart. Looking into her eyes, I saw a flash of darkness, of grief, before a dim light

returned. “I love you too. Always, even if you are shit at skiing.” We both grinned and were still smiling when Adam and Rachel joined us. “Hey guys,” Adam said, clinging onto Rachel’s hand. “We’re really sorry but we don’t think we want to go skiing.” Amy and I started to laugh as I pulled her closely into my side. “Yeah, we agree,” I said. “I couldn’t afford the compensation for everyone Amy maims.” “Thank fuck,” Adam groaned, dropping Rachel’s skis that he was holding onto. “Poolside here we come.” Amy kissed under my ear and whispered. “This is going to be the best year ever.” I breathed her in and nodded, knowing that we were on our way out of the darkness. It would be a long, slow journey, but we would definitely get there.

A MY aged 28 Leon and I had been seeing each other for almost a month and things were going pretty well. He liked to take me on different types of dates, so we’d been to the horse races, on a ghost hunt, and more recently paintballing with his work colleagues. After really hating the idea at first, I ended up quite enjoying myself. I had a huge bruise on my bum from being hit while trying to run away, but otherwise, Leon had stuck to me like glue, protecting me as much as possible. I’d barely had to fire at anyone and even had bullets left at the end of the day. I enjoyed Leon’s company and while I couldn’t say I was falling for him just yet, I could see it as a possibility. Not having seen Elijah for two weeks probably helped. After our coffee in the park, we hadn’t been in contact – not that I expected to. I think we both took that day for what it was, two people with the same grief needing to spend a little time together to share the pain. When Elijah rejected the call from Mia, at the same time that I rejected Leon’s, for a brief moment I wondered if the act had meant something momentous to both of us. The thing was though, when we left the park neither of us said anything about it. We simply went our separate ways to our cars and nothing was mentioned. When I opened my car door, I looked up to see Elijah watching me from his truck. I held my breath, waiting for him to do something – anything, but he simply waved, got into the truck, and drove away and that was the last that I saw of him. “So,” Claudia sighed as she came into the office with a couple of mugs of coffee. “You’re really going on this weekend away with the new fella, to see a bloody Laurel & Hardy exhibition?” I rolled my eyes as she passed me my coffee, with a huge grin on her face.

Okay, so it wasn’t my idea of a fun time, but Leon was desperate to see it and had offered to pay for the hotel if I went with him. I declined his offer to pay, but he’d insisted and it would only be for a few hours out of two days. The rest of the time would be spent discovering and touring the Lake District. “Yes,” I replied. “And I’m looking forward to it.” “Well, you carry on telling yourself that,” Claudia muttered, as she started to type up the design plan for a local business man and his wife. “I am,” I protested. “It’s going to be great and the weather forecast is good. We’ll be able to do lots of walking and sightseeing.” “Oh, because that’s your favourite pastime,” she replied, sarcastically. “I like walking and sightseeing.” I tried to sound enthusiastic, but Claudia was right, walking or hiking, as it was more likely to be, wasn’t my idea of fun. I’d do it though, because Leon liked to and had already researched a couple of walks. “And will you be sharing a room?” she asked. I cleared my throat and coughed in an attempt to avoid answering her. It wasn’t something Leon and I had discussed. We hadn’t got past the kissing stage, which seemed ridiculous for two people in their late twenties, but I wasn’t ready. I was definitely attracted to him and things had got hot and heavy a couple of times, but that had been the limit. I had no idea why I wasn’t ready. Leon was attractive and sexy and I was turned on during our make-out sessions, but sex wasn’t on my plan just yet. I’d slept with Seb almost straight away and there’d been the disastrous one-night thing with Finlay before we decided to be friends, but that was all both relationships were – sexual. To me anyway, I think both Seb and Finlay had other ideas. Maybe I wanted to do things differently with Leon because I could see that we had potential – who knew? What I did know was, I’d told him I couldn’t wait to go away with him and was now wishing I’d specifically asked for separate rooms, rather than wondering and knowing deep down that Leon would have booked a double room. “You’ve still not broached the subject, have you?” I shook my head and chewed at my bottom lip. “You dick head, just ask him.” “I can’t,” I grimaced. “If I do and he hasn’t booked a double, he might think that I want him to. If I ask and he has, well he might think I don’t fancy him and I do.” “So what’s the problem? Go, shag him, and the job’s done,” Claudia tutted and continued typing. “Because I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

“What?” Claudia gasped in mock shock, her fingers hovering over the keys. “Are you telling me that you’re a virgin?” “If you’re going to be sarcastic, I don’t even want to talk to you about it.” Pushing my chair away from my desk, I moved over to a table of fabric swatches and started to search through them for something I could use for curtains for Matty and Carla’s baby’s room at Mum and Dad’s. I should have been sourcing lighting for the hotel job we were doing, but I was too agitated to think about proper work. “How long before you slept with Elijah?” Claudia’s question slammed into me, rocking me on my feet. “Claudia!” I warned. She raised her brow. “You asked me how Louise and I have sex, so I figured we had no secrets or boundaries.” “I was drunk,” I snapped. “And I apologised.” “I still told you and I don’t care, so answer the question.” “Why does it matter?” I clutched the swatch of fabric which was covered in cats and dogs holding balloons, to my chest and eyed her warily. For all she was rude and brash at times, Claudia had the knack of reading me and telling me things which I didn’t always want to hear, and I certainly wasn’t sure I wanted to hear her opinion of my first time having sex with Elijah. “It doesn’t matter as such,” Claudia replied. “I’m just curious. So, go on.” Knowing she wouldn’t let up until I told her, I let out a long exhale. “Three weeks. I was seventeen and my parents were out and we got carried away.” “And you were a virgin?” I was about to protest again, but knew it was pointless. “I was, he wasn’t. He was gentle and sweet and he made sure we were safe and that I was okay.” I paused, screwing up the fabric in my hand. “We had a shower together afterwards and then he took me for a burger and to the cinema. The next day he brought me a mix CD that he’d stayed up until one in the morning making.” I smiled recalling how two days later we’d had sex for the second time and Elijah had been just as sweet and gentle, but had given me two orgasms in the space of ten minutes. Claudia nodding caught my eye. “What?” I asked. “It’s obvious. You’re first time with Elijah was pretty much perfect as far as losing your virginity goes. It was with the man you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.” “And?”

“And,” she sighed. “You’re wondering whether Leon might be the one to mend that broken heart of yours.” “And what?” I asked on an empty laugh. “I’m worried that my first time with him won’t live up to my expectations of our relationship.” “Nope,” Claudia said, giving me the softest smile I’d ever seen her give. “You’re worried it will and might even surpass it.” Then with another smile, she carried on typing, our conversation seemingly over.

E LIJAH aged 28 “That’s the second time she’s rung you this afternoon,” Sam said, his eyes never leaving the TV. “I know and I’m watching the football.” I didn’t need to look at him to know he was now watching me. “Anyway, it wasn’t Mia.” “Fucking liar.” I didn’t answer because it was pointless. He was right, I was a fucking liar, although Mia had actually called three times, not just the two that he knew about. She called once when he’d gone to the bathroom. I picked up my phone and typed out a quick text to her. Elijah: Sorry, just with a customer x It didn’t seem quite right to say I couldn’t be bothered to answer because I was watching my team thrash the opposition. I was about to put my phone back in my pocket, when it beeped with a text. Mia: Okay babe. Speak later. Missing you x I blew out a breath, my eyes going back to the match just as the final whistle blew. Without a word, Sam snatched the remote from the arm of my chair and turned the TV off. “Oi, I wanted to hear what they got to say about the game,” I cried, trying to take the remote back. Sam threw it to the opposite end of the sofa from where he was sitting and shook his head. “Not happening, now spill the fucking beans about why you ignored your girlfriend’s call.” “Because I was watching the footy. Now turn it back on.”

“No. Talk to me Eli.” Sam leaned forward, his forearms on his knees, his brown eyes pleading with me. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Sam.” “The truth. I want you to tell me how you really feel about Mia. What you think about her being away for so long? How you actually feel about Amy, come to that.” My head snapped up. “About Amy? I don’t feel anything about Amy. We’ve had this fucking conversation before and nothing has changed.” “I know that,” Sam laughed but it was devoid of any humour. “You loved her eleven fucking years ago and you still love her. Now be fucking honest with yourself, because I’ve got to be honest with you Eli, I’m sick of sounding like a damn broken record.” I wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up then and stop beating a dead horse, but I was tired of denying what we both knew to be true. It didn’t matter how much I said the words and denied it, Sam was right. “I don’t miss her,” I breathed out on a shaky exhale. “I keep dropping her calls because I don’t know what to say so that I don’t make her feel like crap. I don’t think I can act like the loving boyfriend. I can’t tell her I’ve unpacked her boxes, when I haven’t. I can’t say I miss you when I don’t, and I can’t tell her to hurry home, because I’m dreading her coming back because then she’ll know that moving in was a huge mistake.” “Well, that’s a start.” Sam grinned at me, but I also saw sympathy. My brother had been on at me for weeks about being honest with Mia, but it didn’t mean he didn’t understand how hard it was for me. “You have to tell her, bro,” he said. “She can’t come back here expecting it to be love and roses and romantic reunions.” “I know that,” I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I do, but part of me wants to carry on, but how we were – seeing each other three times a week. Her living with her flatmate and me living here, alone.” “And which part of you wants to beg Amy to take you back?” “No part, and there’s no point,” I replied, sitting back in my chair. “I admit I love her, I’ll always love her, but Amy doesn’t feel that way. She thinks I did something unforgiveable and I can’t hang around for the rest of my life, hoping that one day she’ll change her mind. I have to move on at some point.” “Even without asking her? Without taking one more chance that she’ll listen?” I shook my head. “She won’t listen. I know her, I know she’ll never change her mind.”

“You haven’t known her for five years, bro. You need to talk to her one more time.” I watched him carefully, studying his hands twisting together in front of him. “Why does this mean so much to you? I mean, I know you love me, but whenever you’ve given me big brother advice before, you’ve given it and then let me make my own decision – good or bad. So, why so adamant about this?” Sam shrugged, but his eyes flashed brightly. “I just want you to be happy.” “Sam, I know you too well. There’s more to this.” He paused before blowing out his cheeks. “Let’s just say, I know regret and it’s a fucking dark shit hole of a place.” His shoulders slumped as he dropped his head forward. “Sam, what’s wrong?” “Nothing and this isn’t about me. This is you we’re talking about.” “And you think for some misguided reason that if I don’t speak to Amy I’ll regret it for the rest of my life?” “Yep, I do. Surely it’s worth a try.” “But what if I don’t want her? What if I want to move forward with Mia?” His brows raised into the messy strands of hair on his forehead. “Maybe you think you want a future with Mia, but I think you’d rather find out what Amy thinks first. Call me a shit, but if Amy says no, then maybe you can try that moving forward crap with Mia.” “You’ve spent the last few weeks trying to persuade me to dump her.” “No,” he said, vehemently shaking his head. “I tried to persuade you tell her you didn’t want her moving in, to tell Amy that you still love her. If it goes to shit with Amy, I don’t expect you to give up the one woman who managed to make you smile again.” Now it was my turn to raise my brows. “Hey,” Sam cried holding his hands up. “I never said I was the good brother, I’m a great believer in having your fucking cake and eating it.” “Sam what the hell is going on in your head? That isn’t like you.” And it really wasn’t. Sam loved women, he’d had many women, but he’d never been a liar or a cheater. He’d never led a woman on even, so I had no idea why he was suggesting what he was. It wasn’t like him and definitely wasn’t the advice he’d been giving me for weeks. “Listen, Eli,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Whatever you decide is up to you, but please don’t leave things as they are, without at least trying to find out how Amy feels. Like I said, regret is fucking shit.” He then ended our conversation by sitting back, grabbing the remote control

and turning the TV back on.

A MY aged 28 I looked at the guests milling around the garden and in the house and felt a little thrill of excitement. There were famous footballers, world known rock stars, and even a very minor member of royalty. Tino and Sophie certainly knew how to throw a party. Sophie had given birth to another little boy, Matteo, and only three weeks later was hosting a huge house warming party and looking amazing at it too, wearing a gorgeous red wraparound dress. Claudia and I had been invited, having worked on the house and she and her girlfriend, Louise, were currently chatting to Sophie’s pregnant sister Molly and her famous footballer husband, Joe Bennett, and it had to be said, both Claudia and Louise were looking a little star struck. I, however, was hiding behind a huge potted fern on the terrace, as I was not in the mood for socialising. I’d decided not to ask Leon about the room situation when we went away, but simply go with the flow and see how things went. As we were leaving in a couple of days, my nerves were on edge, because as much as I would have liked to think I was chilled and relaxed about it, I wasn’t. I was second guessing everything about it. Would Leon expect sex? Would we have sex? Was I worried whether it would surpass my first time with Elijah? Claudia was right, I should have asked Leon, but now it felt too late. “Hey,” a voice said in the dimness. “I thought I saw you come out here.” “Elijah,” I gasped. “Hi.” My heart thudded at the sight of him. His hair had grown a little in the two weeks since I’d seen him; still much shorter than he’d worn it when we were

together, but it was longer. It really didn’t matter what the length of his hair was though, he looked handsome and sexy whichever way he wore it. “How come you’re out here?” he asked, shifting his can of beer from one hand to the other. I glanced into the house through the terrace doors. Candles and lamps were now on in the family room and everyone was laughing and chatting, some were even taking turns to use the swing I’d almost killed myself installing. “You could be in there drumming up business,” Elijah continued. “I’ve heard quite a few people complimenting the design.” “Really?” I smiled and leaned forward to look further into the house. “It looks even better now it’s being lived in. What about you, have you managed to get any more business based on how beautiful the gardens look?” Elijah grinned. “The famous Jake Hughes has taken my number.” “From Dirty Riches?” He nodded and took a swig of his beer. “Yeah, he’s buying a property to sell on, so you should get in there and pass him your business card. Why aren’t you inside anyway?” “Just fancied some quiet,” I replied with a shrug. “I’m going away in a couple of days, so have stuff to do tomorrow and don’t want a hangover from one of Tino’s drinking games.” Elijah laughed, glancing at the house. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Where are you off to anyway?” “Um…the Lakes.” I took a drink of my wine, wondering why I felt so awkward about telling him. “For work?” “No just a weekend.” He gave a short nod. “Oh okay, nice. You and Rach?” My stomach churned. Why the hell didn’t I want him to know? He lived with his girlfriend, I was only having a weekend away with the man I was seeing. After what Elijah had done to us, I should have been rubbing it in, like salt into an open wound, but I knew deep down it wasn’t about getting my own back in some way. I was worried that he wouldn’t give a shit and I wanted him to. I wanted him to be enraged with jealousy, to seethe with anger that I would be sharing a hotel room with another man – but if he didn’t, it would crush me. “My friend, Leon,” I whispered before clearing my throat. “We’re going to a Laurel & Hardy exhibition.” If Elijah felt anything he didn’t show it, not even surprise. He simply nodded and drank some more of his beer. I had no idea what he was thinking as we sat in silence. All I did know was that it felt awkward; his body was stiff and my hands

were playing with my wine glass as the disappointment of him not caring sank in. I was about to get up and go inside, when Elijah let out a groan and put his can of beer down on the terrace. He moved over and stood in front of me, and looked down on me with his hands laced behind his neck. “What’s wrong?” I asked, craning my neck up to see him properly, he was so close. “Shit.” He closed his eyes momentarily and then sighed. “I don’t know where to start. What the fuck to say. I had promised myself I wouldn’t do this, but I can’t not, Amy. I can’t go any longer without-.” He stopped and turned, stalking two steps away before quickly coming back in my direction and stopping in exactly the same spot. “Elijah, I don’t…” I could see he was torn, the pain in his eyes, the stoop of his shoulders, but I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to be told to stop holding out hope for us because we wouldn’t be getting back together. “You don’t need to,” I said, standing up. His hand landed on my shoulder and pushed me back into my seat. “No, I do. Please listen.” A cold shiver ran over me as Elijah blew out a breath. His panic and anxiety spread to me as the glass in my hand started to shake. I put it on the floor and clasped my hands between my knees, hoping to stop them trembling, but the shiver of fear had enveloped my whole body as I fought against tears. “I don’t want to hear it,” I blurted out. “I don’t need you to tell me, Elijah. I know there isn’t any chance for us, I really do, but please don’t say it. I’ll go.” I stood up again and wrapped my arms around my waist, trying to stem my anxious shaking. “You don’t have to say it. I know.” “No, that’s it, Amy, you don’t know.” His hand reached out to touch my elbow, but he quickly withdrew it as if I’d been icy to his touch. “I do know,” I responded, shaking my head. “Amy, just listen to me, please.” His voice was determined as he pointed to the bench seat that he’d made, where I’d been sitting, waiting to hear the only man I’d ever loved tell me that we were well and truly over. “Amy, sit,” he commanded when I hesitated. Gulping and feeling my heart thud, I did as I was told and sat back down. Taking a deep breath, Elijah took two steps back and looked up at the darkening sky before bringing his gaze back to me. He still didn’t speak and I was getting

more anxious and more impatient – and a little pissed off, if I was honest. I knew what he was going to say, so why was he dragging it out and making me feel more crap than I already did. I felt sick at the thought of what he was going to say, how he was going to take away any hope that I had and I hated him for it. Hated him for dragging my pain out. “Amy,” he suddenly said, looking down on me. “I’ve loved you since we were seventeen years old, you know that.” I nodded, chewing on my lip. “I’ll always love you, no matter what. No matter who I’m with it will always be you who took my heart first. You’re the one who I always wanted to spend my whole life with.” “But?” I asked, hearing the past tense in his statement. “Tell me, Elijah.” Tears I really didn’t want to shed, started to trickle down my cheeks as I looked up at the man I would always love, but who was about to crush me. Elijah shook his head. “There is no but,” he whispered. “And that’s the fucking problem, I can’t move on, I thought I could, but since you’ve been back you’ve turned my life on its damn arse. I can’t think about anyone or anything but you. Every minute, all I care about is where you are, what you’re doing, are you thinking about me. “I was happy until you came back. At least I thought I was.” “And now?” I asked, my voice small and timid. “And now,” he sighed. “I have no fucking clue how I survived without you. How I thought you were someone I could move on from. I can’t be with anyone else. I don’t know how to.” As Elijah’s long, calloused finger ran down my cheek, the air rushed from my lungs and every part of my body lit up like the Christmas tree on Trafalgar Square. I was basking in the warmth that his words and touch gave to me and inched forward, needing and hoping for more. “I love you, Amy. I swear I would never and have never done anything that would hurt you. I know you’ll find it difficult to believe that after what you saw, but I need you to want to try baby, because I can’t live without you by my side any longer. I’m emotionally crippled without you. I want you back in my life, in my bed, in my future.” Without thinking, wondering, or considering, I threw myself at him. I flew into his arms, wrapping mine around his neck, my legs around his waist and slammed my mouth to his. We kissed passionately, a feverish mix of desire, need, and longing, desperate to satisfy the hunger for each other. It was bliss and felt as though we’d never been apart. Every sweep of Elijah’s tongue, the feel of his lips, the

pressure of his mouth on mine, it was a beautiful memory brought back to life. Elijah’s hand slipped under my loose top, warm against my cool skin, and I thought that I might explode with the joy of finally feeling his touch again. Everything flooded back in amazing technicolour – the way his hands had explored my body, the moments that he’d brought me to orgasm, and the years that he’d protected and loved me. As Elijah’s hips rocked, I felt his erection through the thin lace of my knickers where my skirt had bunched around my thighs. It was long and hard and just as spectacular as I remembered, and I moaned in appreciation. His large hand gripped my arse and pushed me closer as we continued to kiss. He tasted of beer and mint and I loved how his muscular, tattooed arms gripped me tightly, trapping me against him. Every nerve in my body, every inch of my skin was alive and sensitive; high on anticipation. My hands went to Elijah’s head and my fingers tried to grasp his hair. “You have to grow this,” I groaned against his lips. “I need to run my fingers through it.” “Anything for you.” I reached between us and felt his hardness beneath his jeans, pleased that nothing there appeared to have changed. “Not sure I can make that much longer though,” Elijah muttered, before his mouth fused to mine once more. As his hands moved up my ribcage, I clung on tighter, never wanting to let go, ever again. “Stay with me tonight?” Elijah asked, moving us further into the darkness that the fern provided. I pulled back from him, looking intently into his eyes as I cupped his face with my shaking palm. “At your house?” “Mia isn’t there, she’s looking after her mum.” My heart halted. Thudding to an emergency stop. “You’re still with her? You’re still living together?” Elijah leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose. “Technically.” Pure, unadulterated anger burst forth at his words. “What, like technically you were with me, when you slept with Lauren?”

E LIJAH aged 28 “What, like technically you were with me, when you slept with Lauren?” Amy spat at me, lowering her legs to the ground. “Amy,” I growled. “I thought-.” “What, you thought one kiss, one quick fuck and I’d forget everything that you did to us?” I ran a hand down my face, as Amy backed away from me. Shit, I’d well and truly fucked things up. “I just assumed that this,” I waved a finger between us, “meant that we were at least getting to a place where we could move forward.” “Yes, we were,” Amy snapped, holding a hand against her throat. “Until you let slip that you were still with your girlfriend, who lives with you.” “I didn’t know that you knew Mia lived-.” “Yes, well I fucking did, which makes this worse, you thought you were hiding it from me!” “I wasn’t hiding it. I just didn’t know you knew.” “Well, I do and you led me to believe that you were over.” Tears were shining in her eyes and I felt like a complete shit – again. “When?” I asked in a soft voice. “When did I say that?” “Just ten minutes ago,” she cried, taking another step back. “You said you couldn’t move on. You intimated it.” “I’m sorry if that’s what I did. I know I should’ve been clearer, but it makes no difference to how I feel about you. I love you Amy. I want to be with you. Now and always.” “But you have a girlfriend. How do you think that makes me feel, especially

considering Lauren Fucking Proctor?” I stamped my foot in frustration and let out a groan. I was frustrated that Amy couldn’t see the bigger picture, but I was more frustrated with myself that I’d cocked things up and had been stupid enough to listen to Sam and not speak to Mia first before telling Amy how I felt. “She’s been away for weeks,” I started, desperate to explain. “Oh, so you’re feeling neglected and thought a quick hook up with the exwife might fill the gap.” “No,” I cried. “Don’t be so fucking stupid. I was an idiot for not talking to Mia first, but I wasn’t sure how you were going to react-.” The slap across my face was hard for such a tiny hand, and it stung like hell, but I knew I deserved it. I’d fucked things up in enormous proportions. Every time I’d opened my mouth I’d made it worse. Maybe I should have thought things through first, but hearing Amy say she was going away with Leon had killed me. “I was just a damn backup plan, wasn’t I?” Amy sobbed as big, fat tears rolled down her face. “Actually change that, Mia was a backup plan in case I wasn’t the sure thing you thought I’d be.” I held a hand out, wanting to comfort her, but the fire and distaste in her eyes warned me not to. “That wasn’t how it was, Amy,” I whispered, still feeling the sting of her palm on my face. “I swear to you. I know I’ve handled this all wrong, but the reason I’ve done and said these things is true and honest. I don’t love Mia like I love you. I will never love her like I love you. I’ll never want anyone like I want you. I crave for you with every part of my being. I love you with all of my heart. I need you. I want you, no one else, ever.” Tears were now wetting my cheeks too, but my obvious pain didn’t change Amy’s demeanour. In fact, she seemed to harden even more. Her spine straightened as she swiped at her cheeks with her palms. “I so wanted this, Elijah,” she said, her voice hard. “It was all I could think of, us getting back together. I was willing to forget and maybe even part of me believed you,” she sniffed. “But you’ve just proved to me that we can never happen. Too many years have gone by, too much has happened and you lied to me again, at a point when I really needed to believe and trust you. You spoiled what should have been one of the best moments in my life, in our lives, but you ruined it, Elijah. You just ruined it.” Her tears were coming fast and strong as her chest hiccupped with sobs. I thought my own heart was going to break. I had been so close to getting the only thing I craved in my life – my wife back.

“Amy please don’t,” I begged. She shook her head. “No. Don’t ever speak to me again. Don’t even approach me. We are over. It’s not and never will happen because if you can lie to me now, how can I ever trust you?” “You’re going away with some guy called Leon, yet you still kissed me,” I cried, desperately trying anything I could to get her to change her mind. “I never said anything about that.” Amy’s eyes went wide and wild as she pointed a finger at me. “Don’t you dare try and turn this onto me.” “I’m not, but it’s true.” “I’ve been seeing him for a month, we’ve had a few dates and I would have called him tonight if I was going to get back with you. I certainly wouldn’t have waited to see if we’d worked out and kept him as my backup plan.” “I was never going to do that,” I yelled, raising my hands in the air in frustration. “Yeah, well,” Amy sneered. “That’s what it seemed like and I will never be second best, for anyone, ever again.” With her long hair swaying over her shoulder, she strode away around the side of the house, in the direction of the driveway. I sank onto the bench seat before my legs gave way and dropped my head into my hands. How the hell could everything have gone to shit so quickly? My heart had been so full but within minutes it had been ripped out and torn into shreds. My breath was quick and sharp as the shock hit me of losing Amy again. I needed and wanted her and now I was never going to get her back. I wanted to scream and tear the place down. My anger was so raw and putrid that the only relief I got was from hitting my palms against my head, wishing I could redo it all; the last fifteen minutes, the last eleven years. I wasn’t sure how long I’d sat there, but the noise inside the house had got louder, more raucous, and the air outside was cooler. I shivered in my t-shirt and knew I had to go. I couldn’t be there, around people enjoying themselves, when all I wanted to do was cry and wallow in the shit hole of my own self-pity. I didn’t have my car, as Tino and Sophie had provided taxis for everyone, so I pulled open the door of the first in line and gave the driver my address. As we drove through the streets, my phone buzzed with a text. It was too much to expect it was Amy, but I pulled it out of my pocket anyway – always hopeful.

Mia: How’s the party? I gave a deep sigh and stared down at it, wondering what to respond. I looked out to the streets racing by and pictured her pretty smile. Making my mind up, I dialled her number – she answered almost immediately. “Hey you. I didn’t expect you to call. I just wanted to see what the party was like.” My smile at the sound of her voice was involuntary. “It was good, but I’m knackered, so I’ve just left.” “Oh okay. So tell me, is Joe Bennett as good looking in real life as he is on telly?” I laughed quietly. “Well, how about I tell you tomorrow?” “Tomorrow?” she asked. “Yeah,” I replied. “I’m coming to see you.” As she squealed with delight, I pulled the phone away from my ear. It was time to move on with my life – without Amy, no matter how much it broke my heart.

A MY aged 22 “Where’s Eli?” Sam asked, pulling a can of lager from the pile on the kitchen table. “I put him in Alex’s spare room,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “He’s totally wasted.” “That’s what playing beer pong and working through lunch does for you.” “Yeah, I know, but he wanted to get as much done as he could so he could finish early.” I picked at the Wotsits in a bowl – Alex’s idea of party food. “His boss is a shit.” “I know.” Sam joined me in eating the snacks, pausing to peer into the lounge where a huge cheer had gone up. “I keep telling him to start his own business. I could get him a couple of jobs to start him off.” “You think?” I was desperate for Elijah to start his own gardening business. He was good enough and hardworking enough, plus it was our dream to work together; me designing the insides of people’s houses and Eli transforming their gardens. “Yep, defo. I’ll start asking a few of my clients. In fact, Danbury Industries have quite a bit of land around their factory and John Danbury is always saying he wants to do something with it.” “God Sam, that would be fantastic,” I gasped, the possibility thrilling me. “Do you do a lot of work with them?” Sam nodded and stuffed some more Wotsits into his mouth. “Yep, loads. We supply all their temps, so leave it with me.” I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “Thanks Sam. You’re a good big brother.”

He grinned and wiped a hand down his face. “Don’t spoil my street cred, Ames. I have the reputation of a tosser to keep up. Plus, Maisie West is in there and I’m hoping that she’ll let me walk her home later, I don’t want her to get the wrong idea that I’m a nice bloke.” “Ugh, just don’t make it our home,” I groaned, poking him in the stomach. “I don’t want to have to hear you both at it all night.” Sam wiggled his eyebrows and looked back toward the lounge. “She’s actually not that sort of girl,” he sighed. “Maybe Hannah Brown is better for me? I’ve always fancied her.” “Yes, but if you like Maisie, you should go for it,” I replied, glancing at the blonde girl he was talking about. “She seems nice.” Sam smiled. “Yeah, she is.” As I watched Sam watch Maisie, we fell silent for a few seconds until a couple of people I didn’t know shoved past us to grab a bottle of wine. “Rude much,” I muttered as they left us, “I think they’re mates of Lauren Proctor.” I shuddered at the mention of her name. “Can’t believe Alex invited her.” “I don’t think he did. He invited Poppy James and Lauren and those two girls came with her.” “Bitch,” I snarled. “I hate her. She was all over Elijah as soon as we got here.” Sam shook his head. “You have nothing to worry about, Ames. He’s not interested in her.” “Not sure he’s interested in me either.” Sam’s gaze shot to me. “Hey?” “I shouldn’t have said anything,” I sighed. “It’s just me being stupid.” “It is you being stupid, because if you’re referring to the fact you’re not at it every bloody night, don’t sweat it.” “Has he said something to you?” My eyes went wide and my hands to my hips. I hadn’t said anything to anyone about the fact Elijah and I hadn’t had sex for almost two weeks; not even to Elijah. I was too scared that I wouldn’t like what he said if I asked him if there was a problem. Sam started to laugh, his head going back as he let out a loud rumble. “Seriously Ames? We live in a two bedroomed apartment, you’re not quiet and I haven’t heard you for a while and my brother has been falling asleep on the sofa every night, so no, he hasn’t said anything, I guessed.” “It’s not like us, Sam,” I hissed. “And I’m worried he’s gone off me. That maybe he blames me for the baby.”

Sam’s eyes widened. “Ames, come on. He fucking adores you, as if he’d go off you. As for the baby, he doesn’t blame you. He’s devastated too, but no way does he think it’s your fault. He’s knackered with all the overtime he’s been doing, as well as that shit of a boss of his skiving off at any opportunity.” “You know it would be my due date, in two weeks.” I informed Sam, feeling my throat prickle with emotion. “I think I’ve been so lost in my own head over it, I’ve probably neglected him” “You haven’t neglected him,” Sam replied. “You’ve had other things on your mind; Eli is probably going through the same thing, so stop worrying. Everything will be fine. It’s probably a mixture of tiredness and sadness all rolled into one.” “You think that’s all it is?” I asked, still feeling anxious despite Sam’s words. “Yes, I do,” he replied, placing his large hands on my shoulders. “I promise. Get the date over with and you’ll see.” “I just worry, Sam. It’s hit him so hard.” I swallowed, trying desperately not to cry. I’d already had a sobbing session earlier, when I’d seen an old school friend in town, cradling her baby bump. The pain and desolation had been too much and as soon as I got into my car the tears had started, as I thought about what we should have been looking forward to. “Amy,” Sam said softly. “Don’t get upset, please.” He ran a hand over his head, his other hand reaching out to cup my elbow. I could see he didn’t know what to do or say. I didn’t expect him to know and I hadn’t wanted to talk about the baby, but it was never far from my mind. “I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t mean to…it’s just me being sensitive. My emotions are all over the place and I’m being irrational and worrying over nothing. You’re right, it’ll be fine once we get past the date.” He gave me a smile and I was sure it was of relief that I wasn’t going to break down. “You really have no need to worry,” Sam offered. “You’ve got a brilliant relationship, and I’ve got to be honest, I envy you both.” “You do?” I was shocked, Sam always seemed to love his bachelor life; a different girl every weekend, nights out with the boys and no one to answer to. “Yeah, I do.” He glanced to the lounge and then hit me with a huge grin. “But don’t dare tell that little shit you’re married to.”

* * *

I’d stuck the party out for another hour or so, without Elijah, but having Lauren throw me evil glares every few seconds was getting boring, so I decided it was time to leave, if I could raise Elijah. He’d been absolutely legless when Lucas and I had put him to bed, but after what Sam had said I wondered if his problem was exhaustion as well as too much alcohol. Getting him home to his own bed would be the best thing for him. Alex had offered to help me get Elijah up and into a taxi, but he’d disappeared somewhere, Lucas was playing tonsil tennis with a girl I didn’t know, and Sam was in a deep conversation with Maisie West, so it looked like it was up to me. When I reached the landing, I saw the door to Alex’s spare room was ajar and the lamplight was showing through. I hoped it meant that my drunken husband was actually stirring, making my task a little easier. “Hey,” I said as I pushed open the door, expecting to see him awake. My feet and heart stopped at the same time as the world stopped turning. Bile rose in my throat when Lauren Proctor turned her head to me, a victorious smirk on her face. She was on top of Elijah, his half-sleeve of tattoos on show as his arms wrapped around her. I tried to scream out, but my throat constricted and any words I had were trapped and came out as a pained moan. Elijah’s head lifted from the pillow, lolling, as his eyes rolled in his head. “Amy,” he groaned, before dropping his head back and moaning as guilt rocked through him. I clutched my roiling stomach, with tears streaming down my face, turned, and ran.

A MY aged 28 I hadn’t heard a word that Leon had said, because the only thing going around in my head was what had happened from two nights before with Elijah. I was still reeling from it all, from his declaration that he still loved me to the fact that he was still living with his bloody girlfriend. I could not believe he would have cheated on the poor girl, never mind string me along. Elijah Cooper was a fucking bastard and didn’t deserve to be happy. How on earth could he do that to me again? He’d broken my heart once and was all set to do it again. As for Mia, did she know what a twat he was, what he’d planned on doing – to find out if I was willing and then end things with her. Talk about having your bread buttered on both sides. I breathed heavily, as I envisaged what I’d like to do to him, how I’d like to punch him in his stupid face and then knee him in the balls for good measure. I hated him. I never wanted to see or speak to him again. I wanted to curl up and cry over the fact that he’d given me hope and then snatched it away. I felt stupid and foolish and all because of Elijah. “Ugh,” I groaned, turning to stare out of the car window. “You okay?” Leon asked. I turned to look at his profile as he drove away from my house. He was handsome, but his nose was a little too straight, his hair a little too long and not quite the right shade of brown. His hands were too smooth and he didn’t have tattoos, but he was kind and sweet and I was pretty sure he would never make me feel worthless, but he would never make me feel alive either because he wasn’t Elijah, the man who only seconds before I’d been thinking I hated and never wanted to see again.

“Amy,” he said, glancing at me. “What’s wrong?” As I stared at Leon, the only noise was that of the windscreen wipers swishing against the pouring rain, and I found myself breathing in time with them. Their sound was the tick tock of a clock, counting down the minutes of silence. “Have you forgotten something?” Leon’s voice was a little more persistent, maybe even impatient. As images of my kiss and my argument with Elijah flitted through my memory banks, I curled my hands into fist and took in a deep breath. “Stop the car.” “What? Why?” Leon’s brow furrowed, but he kept on driving. “Leon, just stop the car,” I cried, leaning forward to pick up my bag from the foot well. “Are you going to be ill? Shit,” he groaned, indicating to pull into a side road. “Please don’t be sick in my car.” “I’m not going to be sick.” I reached out and touched his hand that was on the gear stick. “I’m so sorry, Leon, but I can’t go away with you.” “What the hell are you on about?” His eyes went back to the road, as he pulled up alongside the pavement. “I’m sorry, Leon. I can’t go with you.” I turned to unbuckle my seat belt, agitatedly pressing the release button twice, before getting free from its confines. “I’m so sorry.” “Yeah, you fucking said,” he cried, holding his hands up. “But why the fuck not? It’s all paid for.” “I know,” I shook my head. “But I just can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to you.” “Too damn right it’s not fair. I paid for a weekend away, I thought it’s what you wanted.” “I’ll pay you,” I said, scrabbling in my bag for my purse. “I don’t have much on me, but I can give you some.” “It’s not about the damn money; I just want to know why you can’t go? Is it the double room, because I’ll sleep on the floor if it’s that?” He looked distraught and I hated myself for letting us get this far. In fact, I hated Elijah for making me doubt about letting us get this far. I’d been fairly happy, enjoying my time with Leon before Elijah had pulled his damn mind tricks on me. I shook my head. “No, it’s not that. I just can’t.” “That’s no fucking answer, Amy. I deserve something better than ‘I can’t’.” I watched as his eyes searched my face for an answer. I saw how he was slumped back in the driver’s seat and how his knuckles were white on one hand,

from gripping the steering wheel. He was right; he did deserve a better answer. “I’m still in love with my ex-husband,” I rushed out on a heavy breath. “I hate him too, but more than anything I love him and I just can’t be with anyone who isn’t him.” As a sob escaped from my mouth, Leon let out a sigh of defeat and shook his head. “Just go,” he snapped and turned to look through the windscreen at the rain pelting down. “I am sorry, Leon.” He didn’t answer me and I’d barely closed the car door when he sped away. As the rain lashed down around me, I didn’t even watch him go, instead I pulled my phone from my bag and hoped to god that Sam’s work number was still the same.

A MY aged 28 As I ran through the streets, soaked to my skin, I could barely breathe, my hair hung in long, wet strands and I was sure my makeup would be smeared across my face, but I didn’t care. I had to get there and speak to Elijah. Gasping for breath, I rounded the corner of the street and breathed a sigh of relief; on a driveway was Elijah’s truck, so slowing down to a quick walk, I continued to the house. I hadn’t had time to think about what I was going to say, I just knew that I had to speak to him. Thankfully, Sam hadn’t questioned me too much about why I wanted Elijah’s address, if anything he sounded relieved. He even wished me good luck before he ended the call. When I was still some way from the house, I noticed the front door swing open and Elijah came storming out with a weekend bag slung over his shoulder – my heart cracked knowing he must be going to see her, Mia. He strode forward, with determined strides, and with his head down against the rain, he pointed his key at the truck and beeped it open. Without any other thought than I needed to stop him, I started to run and screamed his name into the wind and rain. “Elijah, wait.” My voice got lost in the air, so I opened my mouth again and screamed his name even louder, picking up my pace as I did so. Still not hearing me, he threw his bag into the truck, and then got in himself. As I ran faster, my bag slipped down my shoulder and fell to ground. Stumbling over it, I almost fell flat on my face, but managed to right myself just in time. Snatching it up, I continued to run, but Elijah was already pulling out of his drive.

“No…Elijah…wait,” I screamed, desperately catching my breath in between each word. It was no use; with the noise of his engine and the rain, he wasn’t going to hear me. Frantic, I ran into the middle of the road, dropped my bag and bent forwards, dragging as much air as I could into my lungs to screech out his name again, but still he didn’t hear. Leaving my bag, with its contents spilling onto the asphalt, I ran a few steps, waving my arms around. When he still continued to drive toward the junction at the end of his street, his indicator blinking brightly in the dimming light, I kicked off my ballet shoe, stooped to pick it up and threw it as hard and as far as I could, aiming for the back window of the truck. It was useless. My aim and throw were pathetic and the shoe landed only a couple of feet in front of me and with the rain still sheeting down, feeling cold, and wet and utterly deflated, I sank to the ground as Elijah continued to drive away. “Don’t go, please,” I whispered, holding my soaking wet head in my hands. “Come back.” I didn’t care that I was sitting in the middle of the road, that I was soaked to my skin and was wearing only one shoe. I didn’t care that a car could come around the corner at any moment and not see me and potentially kill me. I didn’t care, because nothing mattered any more. He’d gone to her, I was sure of it and I’d missed my chance to tell him how I really felt. As I sobbed into my hands, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, expecting to see a concerned stranger, but gasped in shock when I saw Elijah. With rain running down his face and off the end of his nose and chin, he silently held out my shoe to me. I took it, still looking up at him and put it back on and once I had, he held out his hand to help me up. “You s-s-topped,” I stammered, the cold suddenly chilling me to my bones. “What was that?” he asked, nodding down at my shoe. “It was pitiful.” I glanced at my feet and then back up to him. “I was trying to get your attention.” “Why?” He wasn’t wearing a jacket and the thin V-necked jumper he had on and white t-shirt underneath were already soaked. “I wanted to talk to you,” I replied, blinking away raindrops from my eyelashes. “What about?” He widened his stance and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked down on me. “Us. I need to talk to you about us.” Elijah grimaced and shook his head. “Nothing to say. You said it all the other

night.” “I know…” I sighed, trying to find the words. My feelings were torn. Half my heart was crying out for him to kiss me, while the other half wanted to tell him how angry I was at how he’d gone about things. “Go on,” he insisted. “I know what I said,” I continued, taking a deep breath. “I know I was angry, but I’ve had time to think about things. Consider how I feel.” Elijah let out an empty laugh. “Oh right, so now you’ve done that, ‘considered how you feel’, what great conclusion have you come to?” His jaw was set tight and there was no way he was going to make it easy for me; I could see the determination in his eyes. “How did you expect me to feel, Elijah?” I cried. “You told me you were still with your girlfriend and were going to see how I reacted before ending things with her.” “I screwed up, I admit it,” he roared over the noise of the weather. “But you wouldn’t listen, you didn’t care, you just did what you did five years ago and ran.” “You know why I ran five years ago,” I practically screamed, poking a finger at him. “And the other day, I felt as though I was being used. You’re still living with your girlfriend and yet told me you couldn’t be with anyone else. You lied, Elijah.” “I didn’t fucking lie. I admit I went about things all the wrong way, said it all wrong, but I didn’t lie.” He inched forward, leaning into my space and all my senses went on high alert. My body ached for him as his scent wafted on the wind. It was agony, not touching him. “I can’t fucking love anyone like I love you,” he said, his voice breaking. “I can’t do it, Amy. I’ve fucking tried, but every single thing in my life comes back to you. Every thought in my fucking head is about you. I’ve felt lost for five years and I kidded myself that I was getting better, that I’d finally managed to move forward, but you damn well sashayed into that fucking house in your tight skirt and blouse, swaying that bloody red hair around and all I could think about was that I loved you still and I wanted you back. I wanted our life back.” Resting his hands on his head, Elijah looked up at the grey, stormy sky and groaned. “I was fucking kidding myself, I know I was, but at the least the pain had gone away.” He dropped his head to look back at me, and rested his hands on my shoulders, leaning closer. “I can’t let you break me again, Amy. I would never survive that pain again.”

“Mia helped with that pain though, didn’t she?” I asked wondering what sick sort of a person I was to want to know. “I hate myself for saying this,” he said softly. “But Mia was only ever temporary pain relief; I just chose not to acknowledge the fact.” “Yet you’re still with her,” I replied, my heart clenching as I thought of the weekend bag in his truck and the fact that he was going to see her. Elijah shook his head. “I ended things with her. The day after the party, I went down to see her and tell her in person. It was shit, and I felt like a fucking twat, but I knew I couldn’t be with her, even if I couldn’t be with you.” I inhaled sharply, understanding the pain that Mia must have felt. I couldn’t feel guilty though because if Elijah wasn’t with her, it meant we might have a chance to get back what we’d lost. “But the weekend bag,” I said, nodding to the truck. “I thought…” “No Amy.” Elijah reached out a hand and gently cupped my cheek. “You thought wrong, again.” I drew in a breath as I leaned into his touch, closing my eyes briefly. “Why are we doing this to each other?” I asked. “Hurting each other.” “I was already hurt, Ames,” Elijah replied, dropping his hand back to his side. “What’s more pain?” “But we could stop,” I said. “We could try again and make sure we never make the same mistakes again. Forget everything bad that’s happened.” Elijah rolled his eyes and it felt like a sharp slap to my face. “What’s the eye roll for?” He moved back a step and huffed out a laugh. “Like you’d ever let me forget what you think you saw that night. It would always be your fucking stick to beat me with, Amy.” “No,” I shook my head, desperate for him to believe me. “No way, I swear to you I wouldn’t.” “You wouldn’t be able to help yourself,” he cried, pushing the heels of his hands against his eyes. “Ugh, you didn’t even stay around to find out the truth then, so why the fuck would you believe me now?” I thought about what he said and everything rushed around in my head, had been rushing around in my head for days. The party, the way Lauren had been giving me evil glares, how drunk Elijah was, how I knew about his inability to have sex when he was drunk – so many things that I’d be too pig headed and selfish to consider before. I couldn’t say it was light suddenly dawning, because I think I’d known for a long time that apart from anything, Elijah was not that man. He was not that person who would do that to me. He’d adored and loved me.

“I do,” I said, moving closer. “I do believe you. I swear.” “I wish I could believe you, Amy,” he replied sounding defeated. “I swear to you, I do.” “Fuck’s sake Amy, why now? Why couldn’t you believe me five years ago and then none of this shit would have happened?” I swallowed and pushed my hands against my stomach, trying to stem the nausea swilling around in it. “I was grieving, I was stupid, I was pig headed, I don’t know Elijah and I wish I did.” Tears started to mix with the rain on my cheeks at the guilt I felt over what I’d done to us. Watching Elijah stare down at the road, I didn’t think I could reach him. I was sure he was too far gone from me for me be able to pull him back into the life we once had. “I can’t forgive myself for not listening to you. I truly can’t, but all I can do is say sorry and ask you to forgive me and let me show you how much I love and trust you.” I reached up on my tiptoe, gasping as a shiver ran through me, and kissed Elijah’s cheek. “I’m so very sorry,” I whispered against his ear. “I love you, always have and always will.” Elijah looked at me with rain dripping from his hair and face and as he leaned forward, the clouds lifted from his eyes. He watched me for what felt like hours, his eyes taking in every part of my face, until finally he looked up at the sky and then back to me. “Never run from me again,” he said, his voice breaking. “Listen to me when I say this again; I have never and would never do anything to hurt you.” “I know,” I sobbed, reaching my hands up to frame his face. “And I promise I’ll never run again.” When his mouth smashed against mine, the coldness seeping into my body disappeared. Warmth and love pulsed through my veins and my blood heated as Elijah’s strong arms pulled me tighter against him. His hands pushed under my leather jacket and sodden jumper, touching, feeling, and warming my damp skin as his fingers explored. Needing more, I stood on my tiptoes and arched my hips forward, relishing in the feel of his erection against me. I was back where I belonged, in the arms of the man I loved and adored. The man I trusted and believed in. As Elijah’s fingers tangled in my hair, dragging through the wet strands, the emotion was too much and tears of joy started to crawl down my cheeks. His face was wet too and somehow I knew it wasn’t just from the rain. Standing in the middle of the road, kissing and touching, this was the end of the dark days, the days when we’d lost each other, when grief, pride, and stupidity had taken

away what was most precious – us. Lost in each other, we barely heard the car that beeped at us, it was only when the puddle he drove through splashed over us that we drew apart. “Oh my god,” I groaned, looking down at my soaking wet jeans. “That’s gone right through to my knickers.” Elijah laughed and shook his head. “Why were you chasing after my truck in the rain anyway?” “Because I love you and needed to tell you.” He reached out a finger and ran it across my lips. “You didn’t think to drive here?” “I didn’t have my car.” I lowered my eyes. “I was on my way to the Lakes.” Elijah grunted. “So what, Leon just dumped you?” “No,” I said, smacking at his chest. “I asked him to stop the car. He dropped me on Cartwright Street and I ran from there.” “And then you did that pathetic little throw of your shoe at my truck?” He grinned and pulled me against him, kissing the top of my head. “I guess we’ve got a lot to talk about.” I nodded. “Yes, we do, but first tell me, where were you going?” Elijah cleared his throat and I felt a little hint of fear grip me, wondering if he was going to see Mia. I waited, with tension filling my body, as he moved an arm from around me and reached behind him and produced a piece of soggy paper. “What is it?” I asked, as Elijah unfolded it and passed it to me. I read it and gasped. “You were going to the same hotel I was going to.” I looked up at him questioningly to see he had a huge grin. “Elijah?” He wrapped me in his arms again and whispered against my ear. “As if I’d let you go away for weekend with someone called Leon who was obsessed with Laurel & Hardy.” “How did you know?” I gasped, scrunching the paper in my hand. “Let’s just say a little bird called Claudia told me. Now,” he said, gently moving away from me. “Let’s get you inside and out of those wet knickers.” “And what about my wet clothes?” I asked, grinning up at him. “Goes without saying they’ll be gone too, but it’s the knickers I’m most interested in.” After another deep kiss, Elijah picked up my bag and then led me by the hand into his house, ready to start our new beginning.

A MY aged 29 As soon as my eyelids opened, I felt him. I felt his soft lips against the inside of my thigh, followed by the long, slow, slide of his tongue. An amazing, blissful way to be woken. “Morning,” I gasped, arching my back as Elijah’s tongue licked me again. “Good morning, gorgeous,” he rasped, snaking a hand up my body to cup my cheek. “I thought you might like to start the day with an orgasm.” His other hand then went between my legs and he inserted two fingers inside me. I was already so wet for him, they slid in smoothly and pumped gently as his thumb rubbed my clit. “Elijah.” My voice was breathy and needy as I pushed myself down the bed, desperately wanting more. Elijah chuckled. “I thought right, didn’t I?” “Oh god, Eli, yeeess,” I practically screamed as his tongue replaced his thumb. My hands grabbed at his hair, and pulled hard with every swipe against my nub. “Fuck,” Elijah groaned. “I need to be inside you.” “No, not yet. So close,” I whimpered. Ignoring me, Elijah pulled his head from between my legs, forcing me to untangle my fingers from the strands of his hair that he’d been wearing a little longer in the year that we’d been back together. Large, calloused hands moved up the inside of my legs and resting on my thighs, pushed them apart and then lifted my bottom from the bed. Hooking my legs over his arms, Elijah got onto his knees, his long, smooth, cock, standing

hard and proud in front of him. As he looked down on me, with pure desire shining in his dark brown eyes, I took the time to admire him and his body. It was magnificent. His stomach was ridged with hard muscles, his chest wide and firm, his biceps bulged and his narrow waist tapered down to a sculpted V shape. He was an Adonis and he was all mine, and a day didn’t go by when I didn’t give thanks that we’d found our way back to each other. “You look so beautiful.” Elijah’s voice was soft and gentle, but the way he thrust into me was anything but. It was hard. It was powerful. It was perfect. “Eli.” I let my head drop back as the force of his thrust made sure he hit exactly the right spot inside of me. I let out a cry and felt the start of the fire in the pit of my belly. “I..love..you. So..fucking..much. So..glad..you’re…mine.” Each statement was made with a thrust, his tight, muscular backside, pumping hard to provide the strength and the power. “You’ve always been mine. You will always be mine. I will love you until my final breath.” More thrusts, each one harder than the last, our hips synchronised, my fingers dug deep into Elijah’s back as we kept up a punishing rhythm. “I love you, so much,” I panted as Elijah’s thrusting hit a faster pace. “I missed you so much. I’m so sorry.” He paused, it was only for a second, but I felt it. He hated talking about our time apart, but I would never stop apologising for it, not while my heart was still beating. “No more apologising to me,” Elijah growled, before dropping his mouth to my nipple and sucking on it hard. They were sensitive and feeling his tongue and lips around them, sent me into orbit. “Oh god, I’m going to come,” I cried, my fingers tightening their grip on him. “I can feel you tightening around my cock, Amy, fuck.” Knowing I was close, Elijah lifted my bum higher, allowing him to bury himself deeper inside me. His hand went between us and with two rubs of my clit, I came apart, screaming his name. I grabbed at the sheets and curled my toes against the mattress as the waves of pleasure rolled through my body, screaming their release. As they ebbed and flowed, Elijah increased his pace once more and with a long groan, came with

full force inside of me. His chest heaving and sweat slicking his perfect body, he looked down on me and gave me a beautiful smile. “Marry me,” he said, running a finger down the side of my cheek. “W-what?” I leaned up on my elbows, my eyes wide with surprise. “You heard me. Marry me- again.” My heart started to beat faster as I took in Elijah’s words. I’d hoped that one day we might get married again, but I’d never pushed it – in fact I’d never even suggested it. We’d never discussed it. I’d been the one to end our marriage without even talking to him. Losing what we’d had had been my fault, so I wouldn’t dream of ever asking if it was a possibility. “You really want that?” I asked, feeling the prickle of tears in my eyes. “Of course I do. It’s what I’ve always wanted. I told you, Amy, you’re mineyou’ve always been mine, and you always will be mine.” Taking my hand, Elijah pulled me into a sitting position and then taking my legs, wrapped them around his waist. As his eyes searched my face, his fingers combed through the strands of my hair. “I love you with everything I have,” he whispered. “There will never be anyone else for me and you being my wife is all I’ve ever wanted since we were eighteen years of age and we went on that school trip where we had to climb trees and walk along rope bridges.” I looked at him quizzically. “Ape World? You knew then that that you wanted to marry me. Why?” “Because,” Elijah replied, kissing my jaw, “you were petrified of heights, but you told me you were more scared of being a coward than how high up you’d be.” “I think I screamed the whole time,” I said with a laugh. “Yeah you did, but you still did it. I knew then, you were it for me and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You were amazing and brave and I could never imagine spending my life with anyone but you.” I drew in a breath, hating that my stubbornness had almost ruined both of our lives. “No tears,” Elijah whispered, running a thumb over my damp cheek. “It’s done. We move forward and getting married again is part of us doing that.” My face crumpled into a watery smile as I sniffed and nodded. “Yes, of course I’ll marry you.” “You will?” Elijah’s face was full of excitement as he stared at my face. “Seriously.” “God yes.” I nodded and flung my arms around his neck. “When?”

He shrugged. “I have no idea. Soon. A couple of weeks. A few months… actually no, that’s not a good idea. Tomorrow.” I laughed and ran a hand down his cheek. “We can’t do it tomorrow.” “Why not? Actually, we should see if we can.” “I think we might have to wait a couple of weeks at least.” Elijah kissed me softly, cupping a hand at the back of my head, while the other pushed against the small of my back. “Hey,” I said, laughing and looking down between us. “Don’t squash junior.” Elijah grinned and followed my gaze to my swollen belly, gently rubbing a hand over it as pride and joyful excitement shone in his eyes. I was getting bigger every day. Our baby was growing and was healthy and with just over nine weeks to go, we were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief and look forward to our baby coming. We had no idea whether we were having a boy or girl, preferring to be surprised and to continue taking every day as it came. After all, the pregnancy hadn’t actually been planned. We hadn’t not been trying, but we hadn’t been careful either, and that relaxed vibe seemed to be working for us so far, so we were going with it, painting the nursery a pale lemon, with a whole wall painted in a woodland scene, with a beautiful old chestnut tree at its centre. “You know you’re amazing don’t you?” Elijah said, taking a deep breath. “No I’m not.” I shook my head, and placed my hands on Elijah’s; over our baby. “You are, for giving me a second chance. For never giving up on me.” “Nope, there’s nothing amazing about that. Never had a choice, you were always here.” Elijah placed a hand on my tattoo on his chest; the heart with a lock and key. “The words are true, Amy; when my heart met yours it definitely knew. My forever.” Leaning forward he kissed me again and as we clung to each other, I knew that I was the luckiest woman in the world to be given a second chance with the love of my life – my beginning, my middle, and my end. My Elijah.

“The Prince was paralytic, so bad that he could barely stand and when the Princess and the Princes’ Footman put the Prince into bed, he fell straight to sleep. “He’d stayed fast asleep for over two hours, snoring loudly, and not moving from the position he’d been left in, on his side in case he was sick. “As the party started to get more raucous, the Princess decided she wanted to go home, so asked the footman if he’d help her get the Prince out of bed. The Footman said he would, but then went missing, no one knew where but a pretty young lady couldn’t be found either, so it was logical they were together. The Princess hung around waiting for the Footman, not sure she could manage the Prince by herself, but he was taking ages, so she decided to get the Prince out of bed on her own. “What she didn’t know was, the Wicked Witch had sneaked upstairs a few minutes before her. She hated the Princess and thought it would be the ideal opportunity to ruin her life, after all the Princess had ruined hers when she’d started going out with the Prince. The Wicked Witch had loved the Prince since he’d joined their sixth form, but he’d only had eyes for the Princess and her beautiful, dark auburn hair. Over the years the Wicked Witch had tried to take him away from the Princess, but the Prince was too much in love, no matter how hard the witch tried. “As the Wicked Witch heard the Princess coming up the stairs, she whipped off her clothes, just leaving her knickers on and pulling back the duvet, straddled the Prince, whose top she’d already taken off, leaving him in only his jeans. Once she was on top of him, the Wicked Witch pulled the duvet up to her waist, reached down and wrapped the Princes’ arms around her. As the door opened behind her, the Wicked Witch started to gyrate on top of the still blind drunk Prince, throwing a smirk over her shoulder at the distraught Princess, who was watching from the doorway.

“The Prince lifted his head and groaned out the Princess’ name and the Wicked Witch thought he was going to spoil everything by pushing her off. He didn’t though, he was too drunk and flopped back against his pillow and passed out again. “When the Princess ran from the room, the Wicked Witch looked down at the Prince and thought about what she’d done. She thought that she’d feel some sort of elation at tricking the Princess, but she didn’t, it felt like an empty victory. The Prince would never want her after this, even if the Princess left him. She didn’t regret it though because the Princess needed to be taught a lesson that not everyone got their fairy tale ending. “With a sigh, the Wicked Witch got off the Prince and put her clothes back on before sneaking down the stairs and creeping out while everyone milled around, wondering why the Princess had gone running out of the house sobbing. “And that my little Bella,” Sam said, stroking his ten month old niece’s cheek, “is what the Wicked Witch told Uncle Sam had happened that night. She said she was sorry, and over the years had wished she’d come clean. But, as they say, Karma is a bitch and her husband just left her for someone else, so I think we can safely say she got hers.” Bella snuffled in Sam’s arms, her little hand coming up to rub her nose and Sam’s chest clenched with love for her. She was perfect, with dark hair the same colour as his and her daddy’s, but with the gorgeous whisky coloured eyes of her mummy. She was perfect and an absolute joy to be around, and Sam liked to be around her a lot. She made him forget. With a sigh and a kiss to her little button nose, Sam placed Bella gently into her cot and looked down at her, watching her sleep. “Night Bella, and let’s not tell Mummy and Daddy that Uncle Sam saw the Wicked Witch, or what she told him, they’ve been silly enough to last a lifetime. No point in dredging all of that up, now they’re happy again.” “Hey,” a voice whispered from the doorway. “Have you finished boring my daughter to sleep?” Sam rolled his eyes and pushed Elijah out of the room. “Whatever, you’re just jealous because you know we have a special bond that not even you can break.” “Hah, whatever dick head.” Elijah peeked into the nursery and grinned with pride. “What were you talking to her about anyway? Not your latest woman I hope.” Sam shook his head and smiled. “Nothing for you to worry about bro, just something me and Bella got going on. Now, is that damn curry ready yet or what?”

The two brothers went back down the stairs, laughing and joking and groaning with pleasure when Amy placed two huge plates of food in front of them. As Sam watched his brother with his wife, he was happy for them, but felt a little envious too. He wanted what they had, but like an idiot had, he let it go and wasn’t sure he’d ever get over it. The End…for now

Firstly Chloe Walsh. You are an amazing woman and your help and encouragement on this book has been invaluable. You kept me going when my confidence was low, you talked me down when I let other rubbish send me crazy and you fell in love with Elijah and constantly told me how hot and sweet he was. I love our crazy friendship, the looooonng telephone calls and the way we just know what the other is thinking. More greatness is coming your way my lovely and that karma bitch will kiss ass for us both. Donna Wright, you are awesome and I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done. You read every word when it was all raw and unedited and you still adored this story. As for the time and effort you put in creating the amazing playlist, it was above and beyond what I expected. Thank you for your time, your friendship and your bloody gorgeous lipsticks. My beta readers as usual, dropped everything and immersed themselves in my words. To say I was nervous about this one was an understatement, but thank goodness you loved the story and Elijah & Amy. I dread the day when one of you doesn’t like something I’ve written, but rest assured I know the news will be given with care and honesty, which is why Cal, Patsy, Laura and Sarah I now have confidence in this book. Suzy Cairney, as usual, you pulled out all the stops, even when I only gave you fifteen days notice of the release date. Your help is appreciated from here to the moon and back. Brooke Bowen Hebert, someone else who never flinches when I give her a tight deadline. Staying up all night is beyond the call of duty, Brooke and I can’t thank

you enough. Tammy Clarke, another gorgeous cover from you. I had no idea what I wanted, but as always you did and I think you made a lot of women very happy when you made Elijah so damn beautiful. Mr A. Thankfully, we’ve never needed a second chance, mainly because once I got my claws in I was never letting go. I’m pretty sure my heart knew when it met yours, but the twenty pounds you gave me for a taxi on our first date didn’t half help. Last, but definitely not least, thank you to you for reading this book. I hope you enjoy it and fall in love with Elijah as much as Amy did. Love always, Nikki xx

Find It Here Heartles - Dermot Kennedy Between the Raindrops - Lifehouse ft Natasha Bedingfield Second Chances - Imagine Dragons Young & Free - Dermot Kennedy Room to Breathe - You Me At Six I Hate to Love You/This Town - Landon Austin/Morgan McCollum I Would - Lower Than Atlantis Gone - Red Through Glass - Stone Sour I’ll Be OK - Nothing More Here’s to the Heartache - Nothing More I Can’t Go On Without You - KALEO Arms - Christina Perri Unsteady – Erich Lee Gravity Remix - X Ambassadors/Erich Lee Hurts - Emilie Sande Don’t Go Away - Oasis Stay With Me - Sam Smith My Kind of Love – Radio Remix - Emilie Sande Moments Passed – Mike Dean Remix - Dermot Kennedy/Mike Dean Half-hearted - Hands Like Houses Hear Me Now - Bad Wolves ft DIAMANTE Grace (We All Try) - Rag’n’Bone Man Human (Accoustic) - Rag’n’Bone Man Something’s Gotta Give - Camila Cabellow Waves - Dean Lewis Bridge Back to Your Heart - The Beach

No Right to Love You (Accoustic) - Rhys Lewis What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts Pieces - Red Jump Around - House of Pain Rose Petals - S. Carey May I Have This Dance - Meadowlark The Power of Love - Gabriella Aplin Human - Gabriella Aplin Kiss From A Rose - Seal Sinner - Deaf Havana Not Alone - Red A Thousand Years - Christina Perri